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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed in my dp re Nigella Lawson?

91 replies

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 16/06/2013 20:25

I told my dp about what happened to Nigella Lawson via email and said how horrible and abusive her husband is and he should be arrested.

My dp's response:

'But without knowing why he grabbed her by the throat how can you judge? It is terrible but if she did something terrible for him to grab her? What if she told him she had been having an affair?'

'I'm sure they didn't sit down, order food then all of a sudden he reaches over and grabs her by the throat, if he did that's awful, but what if she really pissed him off?

'Violence is a terrible thing but sometimes it is warranted, regardless of who it comes from'

Confused Confused :(

I was pretty speechless tbh and still hours later I feel really upset. Of course I said you NEVER put your hands on someone, no matter what they say or do. I'm just shocked he thinks like this.

WHBU?

OP posts:
RoooneyMara · 16/06/2013 20:53

He has probably never thought it through.

Cabbageleaves · 16/06/2013 20:55

I think many people can't quite compute DV. It seems so removed from their lives that they assume there must be some back story, trigger etc because its otherwise unbelievable... Their comments are ridiculous because there is never an accepptable reason for DV but I don't think they really analyse it and thus a casual remark is possibly not a great thing to judge them on. Not good but not necessarily carrying the condemnation you might otherwise give it.

Cabbageleaves · 16/06/2013 20:56

Or what Rooney said more succinctly!

Original poster
GirlWiththeLionHeart · 16/06/2013 21:02

I hope that's what it is

OP posts:
ClaireBeauchamp · 16/06/2013 21:18

SirBoobAlot

Honestly? I would no longer feel safe with someone who has basically just said that one day, you might do something when he feels it's okay to
wrap his hands around your throat.

100% agree. You have seen his true colours. If you do something to 'warrant' it will it be his hands around your neck?

Viviennemary · 16/06/2013 21:21

Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. but I was a bit shocked at this happening in public. I wonder what's behind it.

creighton · 16/06/2013 21:21

i've been wondering what saatchi is like at home if he is moved to assault her in public like that.

TolliverGroat · 16/06/2013 21:30

He's contradicting himself, too.

"There should be no violence regardless of where it takes place." - so it's wrong, then, full stop.

"But there will be times when people feel the need to react and to say they're wrong without knowing why they did it is unwise" - so, what, it suddenly isn't wrong, after all (even though a moment ago it was)? Or it is still wrong but it's "unwise" to say so?

Your best possible outcome here, OP, is that he doesn't fully know what he thinks about it and is still fumbling towards a coherent position that might end up being the right one. But even then it's not good.

WMittens · 16/06/2013 21:55

My dad who is a dinosaur in many ways declared that Saatchi needed "a kicking" for that behaviour. I thought he was ace for saying that. (Yes I know it's violence but like I said my dad can be a dinosaur )

I think this may be an example of the perception of (some) men (and how it is different to women) and mixing up terminology.

Take this phrase for example: "so-and-so deserved a kicking."
True, some may mean it this way (varying with context and how aggressive the person making the statement is).
Others may actually mean "provoked" instead of "deserved" - this is still a very unpleasant point of view.

The pivot of this view is the difference between reality and utopia - in a utopic sense, there is no 'provocation' (or risk of provocation) because there would be no violent response. In reality, what they mean is it's a case of accepting that violent people exist, and you may or may not be in the presence of a violent person and say or do something that incenses that person.

Ultimately, no, violence is never* right and never deserved and your partner is either very unreasonable or inarticulate.

*very rarely, unless we're talking about overthrowing despots.

ARealDame · 16/06/2013 22:10

I agree with your husband, we don't know the full story, and working oneself into a sheer frenzy of hatred and retribution without it, seems very dodgy to me.

AnyFucker · 16/06/2013 22:15

For some strange reason, Nigella's experience seems to be drawing out the Bottom Feeders

I wonder why that is ?

Panzee · 16/06/2013 22:19

WMittens I think you're reading too much into my father's statement. And incorrectly confusing him with OP's husband's pov. And I said needed, not my dad (note quote marks).

Original poster
GirlWiththeLionHeart · 16/06/2013 22:23

What's a bottom feeder, AF?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/06/2013 22:23

Lowest common denominator

Original poster
GirlWiththeLionHeart · 16/06/2013 22:28

I bet his friends would recoil in horror at him. I think I'm going to bring it up during next counselling session.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/06/2013 22:29

Why are you having counselling?

Original poster
GirlWiththeLionHeart · 16/06/2013 22:33

New baby, lots of stress and arguments. Just thought it might help settle things. Things have been much better since we've been going. Still bringing this up next time. I think it's too late to change a thirty something's viewpoints though

OP posts:
Mimishimi · 16/06/2013 22:35

YANBU and personally, I would find it worrisome that he thinks sometimes domestic violence can be justified. For Ms. Lawson's husband to lose control like this in public, who the hell knows what goes on behind closed doors?

WorraLiberty · 16/06/2013 22:38

Are you married to Dennis Waterman?

joanofarchitrave · 16/06/2013 22:48

Lots of people change their views all their lives. I changed my view on something quite big just last year, and I'm in my 40s (and still grappling with it tbh!) My dh approved of smacking children until he was 40, but I made it clear this would NEVER happen to a child I had responsibility for for a lot of reasons I won't go into here, and he now says he agrees with me.

I would argue it out with him. I think you can judge when a person holds another person's throat. You absolutely can. Does he really think he can't? If he had a daughter, would he be happy for her partner to 'react' in this way to something she said? Would he think this was a 'reaction' or a violent method of control? I would have a better view of his real opinions than this. I don't think he's thought it through. So help him.

ImperialBlether · 17/06/2013 00:22

Wait a couple of weeks until he's forgotten about this, then say, "Oh I meant to tell you. I saw your mum in Starbucks the other day. She was sitting with her next door neighbour. It was so odd - he was trying to strangle her. I wonder what she'd said to upset him?"

HullMum · 17/06/2013 04:55

your dh probably thinks women who have been raped probably did something really horrible to deserve it like wearing a skirt or something.

get a new partner. there are like 3billion men in this world. get one who isn't just waiting for a good enough reason to throttle you.

Original poster
GirlWiththeLionHeart · 17/06/2013 08:12

Hull I did ask him that funnily enough to show that it's very similar in that it blames the victim. He said 'No that's just abuse' Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlWiththeLionHeart · 17/06/2013 08:13

He said that if someone was to rape someone because of what they were wearing they must be psychotic

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 17/06/2013 08:17

If she had done something like pulled a knife on him then I guess it could be justified.

But that's not what happened here and it's not what happened in 99.9999% of other DV cases.