AIBU?
to not want to justify trying to stay out of debt and be very irritated at having the opposite attitude shoved down my throat?
Squishsquash · 14/06/2013 19:21
DP and I are on a tight income and budget hard to make ends meet but, besides a small overdraft (due to some emergency bills) which we've nearly got out of and student loans, we're debt free. Because of our tiny budget we spend very little on going out/leisure and carefully plan and save up for family events like birthdays/Christmas etc.
DB and SIL are very much the opposite, as long as they can physically get money from somewhere they'll spend it and owe nearly everyone in the family besides us pretty hefty amounts but still prioritise going out for meals/drinks over bills or paying anyone back.
They've just suggested that for Father's Day we go to DF's favourite restaurant for a meal, albeit on a deal which makes it quite cheap but still about £30 per couple. We never usually do a lot for Father's Day, usually make lunch at one house or nip in to spend some time with DF but nothing major, and I think meal suggestion was an excuse for them to justify going out again rather than a genuinely nice thought. DM rang to tell us and i said I didn't think we could go as it'd be out of our budget (we're currently saving for some badly needed clothes). So DM felt bad and has insisted her and DF pay for us to go as they'd like us to and never give us any money anyway whereas they end up doing it with DB and SIL frequently (such as when they turn up saying they've got no food in the house and DM takes them shopping). Got a narky text from SIL later to say that she didn't think it was too much to ask for that we'd want to celebrate with our own family!
Feel very awkward about it because I don't want to put my foot down and say we still won't go as DM and DF would be very disappointed but don't see why they should have to pay for us when it's not essential that we all go out for a meal.
On its own this would be fairly trivial but it's the latest in a long line of DB and SIL organising or suggesting things that they know is out of our budget and theirs too but sponging off other people to do it and acting as if we're very unreasonable and dull not to go into debt too so we can do the same things. SIL sulked that I didn't want to go out for a meal on my own birthday because it was much cheaper (and nicer) to have a takeaway and shedloads of homemade cake at home and they frequently tell the rest of the family that we're 'anti-social' and boring for staying at home instead of going out (ie, borrowing a dvd and buying snacks to have a film night at home instead of spending £20-£30 at the cinema).
We're honestly not penny-pinching or mean though, we put money aside to go out for other people's birthdays and have a fab time but we can afford it as one-offs, not every other week. WIBU to just have it out with them (DB and SIL) and say that not everyone can afford to go out all the time and remind them that they can't afford it either and perhaps it would have been a nicer gesture to pay £30 of what they owe DF and DM (which runs into £1000's) back rather than suggest a meal that they've borrowed off SIL's auntie to afford and that they know we can't afford easily? Feeling very irritated that they're so thoughtless and reckless yet think we're BU for being so 'boring'.
LunaticFringe · 14/06/2013 19:30
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Squishsquash · 14/06/2013 19:34
Thanks, almost felt like I was being unreasonable, that we should just be coughing up and going more into the overdraft to afford this but glad it's not me being completely U. (and yes, they are a huge PITA!)
bacon - thanks, the irony is that if we'd expected a meal out for Father's Day with plenty of notice we'd probably have happily agreed, that's what's even more annoying. We spent nearly £30 on a day out with dc's to the zoo a couple of weeks ago (which we saved up for), if we'd expected this we might have chosen not to do that and pay for this instead but its just been sprung on us.
grumpyinthemorning · 14/06/2013 19:35
Yanbu. I get this too, but from friends. "What do you mean, you can't afford a night out? Just use your overdraft/credit card." I don't have either, I know I'm bad with money, so I don't put myself in a position to go into debt.
Don't be hostile about it, just be a broken record. "No, we can't afford it", over and over. She'll soon get bored.
Squishsquash · 14/06/2013 19:38
Dwells - exactly how I'd describe it too. They both want people to think they're successful without having to have the money for it first, so splash out on going for coffee and drinks all the time, buying clothes and nice stuff whenever they like. If we had the money we'd do that too, it's not a lack of wanting to be sociable and have fun, just if you can't afford it you don't in my book.
Squishsquash · 14/06/2013 19:43
Thanks Skinny, have had my fair share of debt, more through being jobless and then a student so don't want to sound holier than thou but have learnt from it and am determined not to slip back into debt - can understand it though if you've got no choice or find it hard to cut back on mortgage/travel/food. DB & SIL just annoy me because it's so unnecessary, it's socialising and frittering money away (they borrowed £800 for a lovely holiday to Spain for their anniversary because they'd been 'working hard and deserved it') that's got them into debt.
Purple2012 · 14/06/2013 19:45
Yanbu. I hatw it when people do this. We have manageable debt. However in order to save we allocate ourselves a small amount each to ourselves and save hard with the rest. A good friend qho already has an IVA will spend and spend and cant see why she should budget. Her bf has just been made redundant but because they wanted a new car and a wardrobe they stuck it on a credit card. They also eat out several times a week and buy clothes constantly.
We could do the same with eating out and buying clothes but we choose not to so we can clear a loan. My friend can't understand it. I am really worried that she will end up being bankrupt and all I can do is hwlp pick up the pieces.
)Squishsquash · 14/06/2013 19:54
None taken bacon - they are! They're stuck-up and entitled with it too if I'm being brutally honest. They don't care about the pressure they put on anyone else - DM & DF aren't well off by any means and the last loan to DB cleared out their 'rainy day' savings, which I know is enabling with a capital E but still not on IMO. They're so concerned with impressing their friends, ie 'needing' to go on holiday and buy stuff to keep up the 'lifestyle' and common sense or decency goes out the window. DB has the brass neck to even have a go at DM if she dares to remind him about the money they owe saying he can't be doing sorting it out right now!
Squishsquash · 14/06/2013 19:58
property - I'd love a good piss-up, I really would, but round here that's £30-£50 a time minimum and that's someone's birthday covered or a term of music lessons for dd or a whole new school uniform (with cash left in all 3 cases). And it's at least a month's worth of saving up for it so when there's only so many months in a year I'd rather prioritise replacing tatty clothes with drinking one night away. If I could do both I really really would.
Squishsquash · 14/06/2013 20:01
Don't want to make it sound like we spend every evening in polishing our penny collection! We go out for the odd birthday drink or a coffee and a catch up but it has to be the odd one, not 3 times a week so we end up turning 70% of invitations to go out down, which marks us as dull apparently.
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