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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to feel guilty for dressing dd up nicely for special day at school.

42 replies

OliveOyle · 14/06/2013 16:25

Have nc'd for privacy.

The other day it was a special dress up day at my Dd's school. She's in reception and had been excited about dressing up for weeks. We were told 3 weeks in advance so that was enough time for me to put something together for her. I ended up fishing out an old dress of hers I was going to give to charity and painting patterns on it. On the day I really went all out and did her hair nicely and used face paints to bring the outfit together.

I like doing things like this and enjoy it. I have quite a boring life at the moment so these type of school events give me something to focus on for a few weeks.

On the morning I took dd in and everyone complimented dd including her best friends mother. When we were standing at the back the mother started putting herself down and saying she's not good at these things and then went red and cried. Her mother was with her and started telling her that she's brilliant and not to put herself down like that. I felt absolutely mortified. I consoled her and told her that she was a brilliant mother and at least she'd remembered as some had forgotten.

I felt horrible for the rest of the day and still have a guilty feeling in my stomach and I don't know why. I feel bad for making the mother feel bad. I'm thinking next time I shouldn't make a big deal out of these things for dd, but I really enjoy doing and making these things. I shouldn't have to feel guilty should I? So why am I feeling so bad?

OP posts:
pictish · 14/06/2013 16:28

I have no idea.
At our school, some mums go mad for stuff like that, some mums me cba and just chuck something together, some mums forget.

I don't think you need to feel guilty at all. I think it's a bit strange that you do!

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 14/06/2013 16:30

Don't feel guilty. It's a shame she's having emotional problems but that isn't your fault.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 14/06/2013 16:30

Awww for both of you

You didn't make the other mum feel bad. She felt bad because it just reminded her that, like me, she's utter shite at that sort of stuff. This wasn't about you so don't make it about you.

Maybe next time get together with her and plan the outfits so they coordinate?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 14/06/2013 16:30

Do you often take the blame or feel guilty for things that are not your fault?

Floggingmolly · 14/06/2013 16:31

You didn't make her feel bad Confused.

She was obviously having a bad day; but her reaction to seeing your dd dressed up was OTT and nothing to do with you.

Hullygully · 14/06/2013 16:31

I think the other mother is raving bonkers

And I think you are for focusing on it "for a few weeks"

But apart from that I don't think anyone did anything wrong

MyNameIsRio · 14/06/2013 16:31

To be fair, "at least she'd remembered" might not have been the most comforting thing to say.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 14/06/2013 16:31

I'm utter shite but I don't feel bad. She must be having other problems you don't know about OP

IWipeArses · 14/06/2013 16:32

You didn't make her feel guilty, something else would have set her off I'm sure.

OliveOyle · 14/06/2013 16:32

I think I feel guilty because she cried.

I think I will offer to coordinate with her next time so both girls dress similarly.

OP posts:
TheCutOfYourJib · 14/06/2013 16:32

So if you don't make an effort for your dd next time will you feel better?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 14/06/2013 16:32

MyName

Don't say that Grin. I think it wasn't bad given the unexpected emotional outburst

kelda · 14/06/2013 16:33

Don't worry about it. It's not your fault. I would probably have just lied and said that her child looks great even if they didn't.

There are some people who are very dismissive about parents who make an effort about this sort of thing. Just carry on doing what makes you and your dd happy.

Hullygully · 14/06/2013 16:33

Why not offer HER a make over? That way she will cheer up and you will have something else to do?

win win

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 14/06/2013 16:33

Olive

Sympathy for someone's upset it fine, but no need for guilt.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 14/06/2013 16:33

is fine

exoticfruits · 14/06/2013 16:34

Don't feel guilty. I have seen lots of dressing up days, some parents go to town, some do something to get by and some don't bother to do anything. It is the way it is.If she is a friend you could offer to give her a hand next time.

Floggingmolly · 14/06/2013 16:34

A few weeks ago? Confused. I thought it happened this morning.
Has nothing happened in your life since to put this out of your head? Hmm

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 14/06/2013 16:35

Flogging

No, it was "the other day"

Dorange · 14/06/2013 16:35

have you thought about those little girls competition that is very big in America? sorry, forgot what it's called. there are some in the UK.
you would probably enjoy this kind of thing
as for a school day only, I think you tried too hard
maybe find a hobby for yourself?

the other mum was probably feeling guilty about something else or she has some issues going on

pictish · 14/06/2013 16:36

You think you will offer to coordinate next time, so they are the same? Confused

Err...okay. I cannot for the life of me think why you feel the need to do that.

OliveOyle · 14/06/2013 16:36

jamie I do tend to feel bad for other people's bad luck, but I think everyone does that don't they?

She is having a very bad time at the moment with an ex who doesn't give a shit about his children. She's not living in the best circumstances. She keeps complimenting my whole life everytime she comes around, she doesn't know that I've had really bad marital problems in the past year and things have only got better for us now. No one has a perfect life do they?

OP posts:
fromparistoberlin · 14/06/2013 16:37

i am 99.9% sure her sadness has NOTHING to do with you, or your DDs outfit

Triumphoveradversity · 14/06/2013 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kelda · 14/06/2013 16:38

'as for a school day only, I think you tried too hard
maybe find a hobby for yourself?'

that could come across as very patronising.

If the OP wants to do it, if she makes herself and her dd happy, then whyever not?