To expect DH not to provoke violent neighbour.

[HeffalumpTheFlump]

We have had serious problems with our scumbag of a neighbour. The latest because I asked him to do something about his dogs howling/crying/barking all night when left alone. I'm 22 weeks pg and had had barely any sleep for nearly 2 weeks so sent him a polite message to ask him to do something.

He reacted very badly, started threatening me over messages and to put it briefly went completely nuts. I have felt very anxious because of it all, especially because after having a problem with another of our neighbours he had his flat windows smashed, his car damaged and covered in blue paint and more recently repeatedly superglued the guys front door locks so he couldn't get into his flat.

He hasn't done anything to us apart from be very agressive and threatening over messages and the phone, but I have been really worried that he would start tormenting us after the recent problem.

DH saw him today and felt the need to have a staring contest with him, neither of them willing to back down. According to DH the neighbour got angrier and angrier, then the lights changed and DH had to drive off.

I'm quite annoyed at DH, but he cannot understand why at all. I feel that it wasn't necessary to do this macho crap and will have provoked the scumbag neighbour. I am at home alone a lot of the time and now feel even more anxious about the situation. The neighbour is not rational, is really nasty and a complete bully, and it only takes something stupid like this to set people like that off.

I have explained to DH that him doing that has caused me more anxiety that I really don't need at the minute, and will have achieved absolutely nothing but to piss the neighbour off/ inflame the situation.

AIBU to be annoyed? DH thinks he has done absolutely nothing wrong and cannot see that his actions are causing me more stress that I really don't need.

He sounds awful. Did you contact the police about the threats? Did your neighbour?

Nice neighbour has gone through the police but there is never enough proof that it is scumbag neighbour. It definitely is though as these things have happened immediately after problems between them. If I'm honest I'm too scared to go to the police as he will just get 100 times worse and the police will be able to do very little. I have decided that the best way to deal with him is to avoid him and hope things settle down, which is why I'm upset with DH.

I think your anger is misdirected. If the shoe was on the other foot would you be happy to ignore a man that was intimidating and threatening your 22 weeks pregnant partner? You need to log any incident with the police from now on, and keep a record of any messages sent as evidence of his behaviour. I can understand completely wanting to ignore his behaviour but you cannot be made to feel a prisoner in your own home because he might lose it over a few stares. Did your neighbour ever report him?

Cross-post. Sorry the situation is so shitty for you, must be so stressful especially at the moment. I'm sure your partner thought he was doing the right thing, but I can see why you're upset.

I get how DH feels but you can't win with this scumbag. Nice neighbour has gone through all the correct channels and it has ruined his life. He no longer feels safe in his own home and cant sell it because scumbag neighbour has ruined the garden and communal hallways. We will hopefully be moving once baby arrives to a larger place so I can't see that DH doing this sort of thing is going to benefit us in any way.

What a piece of shit. I'm not really surprised that your DH is standing up to him, it must be horrible to feel so powerless and perhaps he wants to take a bit of control back. But understand how this makes you nervous.

I would keep a record of every little detail, tell your neighbour to, also.

Am I being pathetic? I used to be the sort of person who stands up to bullies, but this guy scares the crap out of me to be honest. He beat up his girlfriend when she was pregnant with his own child, and has attacked nice neighbour (police did arrest him for this, but he somehow got away with it?!?!) so I have no doubts that he would become physically violent towards me or DH.

I agree with you, your DH is going for 'default macho posturing' as a way of trying to show the neighbour you won't be intimidated. Unfortunately, that only works if a) it's a game, about not losing face, with both people playing to the same rules, or b) you are a lot bigger and scarier than the other bloke and he believes you will follow through.

Unfortunately in this case, the neighbour is not playing to any rules and is a lot scarier and more volatile than either of you. Winding him up is therefore quite stupid.

Your DH needs to recognise the bloke's irrationality, your vulnerability and think up a better strategy.

Lottie - that's exactly how I feel about it, but DH can't seem to see that. He thinks staring him out is nothing, apparently he should be able to stare at who he likes, and wasn't about to let the neighbour 'win'. Pointless macho rubbish!!

I'd suggest that you and DH recognise and play to your strengths - brains, rationality, impulse control, ability to plan for the longer term and knowledge that you're going to move on to a better home before long and will live altogother better, more satisfying lives than this bloke.

Feel smug, be pleasant, let his nonsense wash over you, take notes, involve the police if necessary, preferably not or only when you're leaving but, if necessary.

He needs to think through the implications of making it a competition to be 'won'. What are the stakes, what are the rules, what are the players' strengths?

Playing to the neighbour's rules, or lack of, how does your DH propose to win? (and is he happy to go to prison for that?)

How does he propose to protect you from the ocnsequences of the escalated hostility, at all times?

How is he going to feel when he gets a call from the police to say you've just been rushed to hospital in early labour after having your windows smashed? Worth it because whatever he'd just said or done to the neighbour was right and 'no-one's going to tell me what to do?'.

I don't really expect that's going to happen of course and very much hope nothing further does but, these are the sorts of implications your DH needs to think through.

It's a classic case of don't stoop to his level because he ain't worth it! Your future happiness very much is worth the frustration of ignoring the bloke.

ring environmental health for the dogs & also the rscpca. But tell them he hits them or are in a bad state (half starved etc) or else they won't come out.

Nothing to add on the other front...maybe you could do a Bree Vandercamp & take him some muffins ?

Thanks for your advice lottie, I need to get those points across to him but it's difficult because he's angry about it all. Im not being sexist, but men's minds seem to work very differently in these situations and we are on very different pages about it all :(

Willow - I can only imagine which part of my body those muffins would end up. Would RSPCA actually do anything though?

I can't stand 'men are like this, women like that' explanations generally but in 'flight or fight' situations I think we do tend to respond differently.

Talk to anyone about what they'd do if burglars came into their house - most men I've spoken to would instinctively confront them, most women already know their exit route or hiding place. We know we wouldn't win in a physical confrontation, unfortunately, most men wouldn't either but don't recognise this and do feel some instinctive urge to protect others. It is understandable and well meant...but...

willo

it must be womans way, as I was also going to post "poison the fucker", not seriously.....!

OP I dont blame your DP, start a log and good luck. Dont be angry with DP, focus energy into seeing what you can do to stop him

urgh, hate bullies

In a weird way, your husband's stratergy might be the best bet, if he thinks you are frightened of him he will keep acting like a bully.

If he meets someone who is prepared to stand his ground, he won't push it as far. Does your husband look like he can handle himself? I wouldn't advocate getting into a physical confrontation, but it may make the neighbour think twice.

I don't normally advocate such macho postuering but it seems to be the only language this meathead understands.

No, rspca won't do anything. I know from experience.

We lived next door to some psycho and her wanker bf who had five dogs barking and howling all day and all night, and I mean all day and all night.

Council were involved as were rspca and environmental health and eventually police.

The neighbours acted up from the minute we politely and friendly asked them to sort the dogs, screaming and shouting, threatening us, banging on the walls, throwing stuff into our garden etc.

We moved.

I would say I used to be a lot more confrontational, but now I'm pregnant something has kicked in and i feel completely different. I desperately want my home to be a safe place and the thought of confrontation/problems with the neighbour fills me with much more dread than it would normally. I am much more likely to completely avoid an argument now.

the RSPCA will come out if you mention cruelty. Environmental health will ask you to keep a diary of dogs howling...& do something eventually.

Horrible to live like that...

Unfortunately DH is not a huge bloke, he has crohns disease so is quite underweight. But the neighbour isn't any bigger to be honest, he's just unhinged and doesn't care about concequences which makes him more of a threat IMO.

Thing is if you ignore him, he won't suddenly think 'oh I am going to be a nice human being and a good neighbour' he will continue to make your life a misery. There is no reasoning with people like this.

First thing I'd do is change phone number and set up a CCTV camera to capture any reprisals.

I see what you are saying compos, but my reasoning for ignoring him came from a previous situation. He thought I had called the police because he went after his gf with an axe, and threatened to stab both me and DH, kick our door in, make our lives hell etc. Up until this point we had been almost friendly with him, as we had no idea what a nasty piece of work he was. After this incident we cut all contact, ignored him and things settled down. A couple of months on he actually said hello to me and from then on would smile and say hello if he saw me.

I was really hoping that if we let things calm down as we did before that he would let it go like he did before. Like I said this man is not rational/mentally stable and is prone to outbursts like this. I have bought earplugs to help block out the dog noise, so I thought if we avoided him etc we might not have any more problems if that makes sense.

Did you call the Police about the threats?

I'd start collecting evidence and then go down the ASBO route.

No i didn't, but I am under mental health services and its all logged with them if it was ever needed for evidence. Nice neighbour went down the police route and was then attacked and all the criminal damage happened. Nothing was ever done to scumbag neighbour. I have kind of lost hope with them and the housing association. Scumbag neighbour is extremely manipulative and seems to be able to talk his way out of anything. The police was once called because he refused to return his child to the mum, and he managed to get the police to say the child should stay with him?!

He has a long criminal history, has been banned from the mental health centre round by us and yet the police and housing association seem to always take his side. I can't understand it at all!