To expect DH not to provoke violent neighbour.

[HeffalumpTheFlump]

We have had serious problems with our scumbag of a neighbour. The latest because I asked him to do something about his dogs howling/crying/barking all night when left alone. I'm 22 weeks pg and had had barely any sleep for nearly 2 weeks so sent him a polite message to ask him to do something.

He reacted very badly, started threatening me over messages and to put it briefly went completely nuts. I have felt very anxious because of it all, especially because after having a problem with another of our neighbours he had his flat windows smashed, his car damaged and covered in blue paint and more recently repeatedly superglued the guys front door locks so he couldn't get into his flat.

He hasn't done anything to us apart from be very agressive and threatening over messages and the phone, but I have been really worried that he would start tormenting us after the recent problem.

DH saw him today and felt the need to have a staring contest with him, neither of them willing to back down. According to DH the neighbour got angrier and angrier, then the lights changed and DH had to drive off.

I'm quite annoyed at DH, but he cannot understand why at all. I feel that it wasn't necessary to do this macho crap and will have provoked the scumbag neighbour. I am at home alone a lot of the time and now feel even more anxious about the situation. The neighbour is not rational, is really nasty and a complete bully, and it only takes something stupid like this to set people like that off.

I have explained to DH that him doing that has caused me more anxiety that I really don't need at the minute, and will have achieved absolutely nothing but to piss the neighbour off/ inflame the situation.

AIBU to be annoyed? DH thinks he has done absolutely nothing wrong and cannot see that his actions are causing me more stress that I really don't need.

If he is living in ha accomodation they need to do something about it. He will be breaching his tenancy, keep a log of his behaviour and then put pressure on the housing ass. If they can get away with it they will ignore it, they are probably scared of him too but that does not excuse his behaviour. Also they have a duty towards your health if he is clearly affecting it, keep the pressure on them to pull their finger out!

I think that is it exactly, i can't think of any other reason that they would have let him get away with it for so long.

Have you got any experience in these matters? If so do you know what the process would be? If I go to them with a log of all his shitty behaviour what will they do? If they are going to have a word with him and say that we have complained and he needs to do xyz, it's not a good idea. He will then retaliate towards us as he has done to nice neighbour. What are the chances they will deal with it anonymously? Or even better kick him out? But I assume either way there would have to be some sort of explanation, and funnily enough he knows where we live.

If you can I would get CCTV I don't think it has to be hideously expensive these days so at least, if he does start any crap, you have proof to go to the police with.

YANBU to be upset and annoyed with your DP but it is misdirected, your DP is probably feeling exactly the same and not wanting to bow down to this bully.

Have you reported him to the police? Keep a biary and where you can gather any evidence, if you have phone messages on an answer phone that's great- if not get an answer phone and screen calls if you think it could be him so they get recorded, or pick up as A/P comes on so that it still records. If he starts shouting at you, call the police. If you know he'll verbally abuse you when he sees you walking outside then call the non-emergency line so they can hear the threats and/or record if he's loud enough.

Just read about 'nice neighbour' perhaps the reason it stalled with getting the bad neighbour sorted out is because no one else has said there's issues-therefore it looks like a dispute between two. When my friend was next to the neighbour from hell, the Police told her that they knew he picked on the other neighbours but since they refused to say anything the council could write it off as a private dispute.

If you also complain then it starts to paint a clearer and truer picture.

Yeah I second the answer phone.

Im guessing your H is just being protective but really with people like this it is better not to get into it.

If he is HA make sure they know there is an issue also keep a diary.

If there has already been complaints from your other neighbour then you adding your voice to it will help massively.

Will it actually help us though? We will hopefully be moving within a year, and I'm pretty sure they aren't just going to kick him out without any explanation. So if we complain, they will speak to him to adress those complaints (as they have when nice neighbour complained) and he will then make our lives hell for complaining, as he has with nice neighbour. How does that make life any better for us? Surely it's better to do damage limitation until we can move?

Sounds like he makes your life hell anyway OP. It's up to you whether to complain or not but he isn't going to get any better and living on eggshells not to provoke him, until you do provoke him, won't be fun. Also it's possible he may just take offense to you being friends with nice neighbour.

From the view of seeing my friend in the nice neighbour position, she was pretty pissed with the other neighbours- i get why they didn't report but in her case as soon as he was evicted they all came out the woodwork to say how 'bad' said neighbour had been and how great it was he was gone. She was so angry she cut them all off, after all her trauma and the police said just one supporting her complaints would have made all the difference.

But in all honesty, i don't know if i'd have complained either in their shoes, but i wouldn't have been stupid enough to start touting on about how they didn't want to be involved since his focus was on my friend and they didn't want it turned on them.

DP would do the exact same thing, OP and it drives me insane.

Have you pointed out that he will be antagonising the neighbour and you will be at home alone, and then alone with a baby before too long? I know (through completely unrelated circumstances) that the only way I could get DP to stop behaving in such an instinctive, macho ridiculous way was to highlight how his actions made me feel scared and put me in a more vulnerable situation than before.

why the fk arent the police monitoring him then? THEY or the HA should put cctv or something.

its disgusting the scum hasnt been arrested/put away.

I know you are all right. They aren't doing anything because it's his word against the neighbours. There is never enough proof. I know that if I were to speak up something would have to be done, but I'm terrified of the process to be honest! I just feel I can't put myself and the baby at the risk it would take to get him done for all the shitty things he's done. I feel awful for nice neighbour because he owns his place, but i have to put our safety first :( I feel like a complete coward to be honest :(

DH has now appologised by the way, I left him to cool off and he has taken on board how it's added to my anxiety. So that's something. It's nice to feel like we are more on the same page about it all.

but if other neighbours have complained and gone to the police then they HAVE to believe you as youre not the only one.

are they bloody scared of him or something?!? FFS.

theres a thread elsewhere about sh***y neighbours, its all too much.

and they bloody get away with it.

oh it seethes me to the bone.

jknow its somehting you shouldnt have to do but when DH is at work can you not arrange for him to text/call you every half hour or so to make sure you're okay?

you shouldnt have to be like this.

try writing to your local mp?

sorry. ,e again, im on a roll now! if its his word against everyone elses....cant the police see just by his voice/look what a piece of *** he is?

come on, its not rocket science.

Oh marj, thanks for being so cross on our behalf. My main fear is that he will have done to us what he had done to nice neighbour. If I had my windows smashed etc I think the stress of it would make me seriously unwell and I would never feel safe here again. And to be honest, knowing we had made complaints/told the police, I would be a complete wreck waiting for something to happen. I wouldn't be able to relax for even a second I don't think.

Would it be really cowardly to wait until we are given the next place and then hand over all the evidence then? That way we could back up nice neighbours side without putting me/ the baby at risk?

And about the police seeing what he is like, he's far too clever. He dresses smartly, speaks clearly and politely (unless he's in a rage and it's almost indecipherable) and manipulates anyone and everyone to make them think he is in the right. His gf took him to court for dv and he managed I make them believe that she had mental health problems, not him. Despite having a long criminal and mental health history! He's been in hospital numerous times, but still managed that, so that gives you an idea of how much he can twist things.

*to not I

She's back with him on/off now as well, so that makes him look even more credible :(

it just bloody makes me seethe that they get away with it, and the fact he has criminal records and the HA AND police know him....i just dont get it. i really dont understand.

you need to get the other neighbours on board maybe? i know its so difficult as you wouldnt want him to see you doing that, i know, ive been in exactly same situation and more than once and our only solution was to move house.

If no one is interested in taking action, can you not pay someone a few quid to put his windows through or have a quiet 'word' with him?

Believe me iv thought of it. It wouldn't change how he acts though.

Are you sure? Bullies usually back down when someone bigger/harder confronts them.

Hmm it might be an idea then!