To think that I am NOT in the wrong ('he said, she said' type of thing)

[dufflefluffle]

Yesterday was hectic. Visitors arriving and I was ferrying them to and from the train station all day (or so it felt) then I cooked two separate dinners, chatted and entertained (all ages from 3 up) and cleaned up. I said to DH I'm off to bed now (he came in during dinner, sat down and ate, went out for a while then came back and watched tv) and went upstairs. I popped back downstairs to put laundry in the machine and while I was doing so he jumped up saying I'm off to bed, you lock up (not a big deal: just checking all doors, turning off lights but I hate doing it at the best of times). I said: No, you do it - I've already gone to bed. He got right in my face and said "F you several times, I Fing hate you" and has not spoken to me since. I know he thinks that I am in the wrong and that I should apologise and he will keep this cold war going, visitors here for w'end so this could be difficult. Do I swallow my stubborness and say sorry or do I stick to ignoring him right back. I think his reaction was very extreme.

" He works hard to not really express a strong opinion so as never to be "in the wrong". But he does occasionally snap like this. Last night I was a bit afraid he might hit me he was so incensed but of course he would control that as hitting is definitely blameable."
Am I the only one who finds this a bit chilling? It smacks of mind games to me - a sort of I-am-going-to-make-your-life-hell-but-in-such-a-way-that-you-won't-feel-able-to-complain-because-it-will-sound-petty-even-though-your-life-is-hell.

"He got right in my face and said "F you several times, I F**ing hate you" and has not spoken to me since. "
I really, really don't give a shit how stressed he might be. There is absolutely no excuse for this behaviour. And from your posts, this is not the first time he has done this. To be blunt, he's telling you how he feels - I think you need to listen, and take the appropriate action. Which IMO would include kicking him out. I sure as hell wouldn't be playing nice just because there is an audience (your visitors).

Having read your further post OP, I thinking he did this to put you firmly in place as he knows you would not react in any other then to sweep everything under the carpet while be extra nice to him as you are afraid he will blow up again.

I would urge you to really think about what you want and if this is the relationship to get it.

Only you know how you "told him" to lock up but his reaction does seem very extreme.

I wouldn't do either of the 2options that you give, there is nothing to say 'sorry' for and sulking is as childish as his response.
I would wait until the visitors have gone and tell him that the relationship is in problems and things have to change. You don't seem to realise that you are in an abusive one - you are making excuses for him being stressed, but that is his problem- don't let him hang it on you.

This is awful. He is awful, and you are being abused.

wtf? if dh said that to me id be going to visit my mum... permenantly!

what an arse. stress is not an excuse!

If he's stressed, I might accept a bit of muttering or grumbling, at a push, a "you do it" "no you do it" argument. What he did is never acceptable and completely inexcusable.

It worries me that you seem to suggest he's in control of what he's doing in a calculating way, so that he can't be blamed. He's choosing to be aggressive and abusive to you. You deserve better than that, and so do your children. You need to change this situation, not by apologising for his behaviour, but by making yourself safe.

My DH and I have been known on occasion to have hum-dingers of arguments. In the midst of the worst of these I cannot imagine him ever saying that or shouting in my face like that. However stressed he was.

If either of us ever did that we would have crossed the line of no return, and the marriage would be over.

Sorry but there is no excuse. I can't see you have anything to apologise for.

Whose up for rendition of beyonce?

To the left to the left.... All ur stuff to the box to the left!

whereyouleftit - I absolutely agree!! I was in this kind of abusive relationship for a long time. It drove me to a breakdown in the end.

Another one here furious on your behalf. While your friends are there, how about starting a conversation about getting angry and ask them (infront of him) if they think a man getting in his wife's face and repeatedly saying fuck you, I fucking hate you is acceptable behaviour.

Excellent suggestion, tallwivglasses. He's using your visitors against you, feeling safe to escalate his shittiness because he thinks you'll keep it quiet in front of them. Turn it around and use your visitors against him, as per tallwivglasses's suggestion.

OP, on the basis of what you say, his reaction was extreme. So extreme that I wonder why you ask the question.

If something like that happened to me (and I'm sorry to say that it has), I would be holding my ground - giving in once means giving in again. However, I would be trying to find out why it happened.

I am actually really really sad that he wouldn't hit you because it's blameable, rather than he wouldn't hit you because he loves you so much.

His behaviour is not acceptable though.

Why did you marry this bloke...

I honestly and truly think you should leave the abusive bastard.

Being stressed does not excuse intimidating and verbally abusing you.

There is no excuse for treating you like this.

Op, please have a look at this website or this book

You deserve better.