To think that I am NOT in the wrong ('he said, she said' type of thing)

[dufflefluffle]

Yesterday was hectic. Visitors arriving and I was ferrying them to and from the train station all day (or so it felt) then I cooked two separate dinners, chatted and entertained (all ages from 3 up) and cleaned up. I said to DH I'm off to bed now (he came in during dinner, sat down and ate, went out for a while then came back and watched tv) and went upstairs. I popped back downstairs to put laundry in the machine and while I was doing so he jumped up saying I'm off to bed, you lock up (not a big deal: just checking all doors, turning off lights but I hate doing it at the best of times). I said: No, you do it - I've already gone to bed. He got right in my face and said "F you several times, I Fing hate you" and has not spoken to me since. I know he thinks that I am in the wrong and that I should apologise and he will keep this cold war going, visitors here for w'end so this could be difficult. Do I swallow my stubborness and say sorry or do I stick to ignoring him right back. I think his reaction was very extreme.

[WinkyWinkola]

Was he drunk?

[NicknameIncomplete]

What is wrong with you locking up?

I am not excusing his behaviour. It was a serious over reaction but maybe he was annoyed that he always has to lock up & might want to go to bed before you for once.

[waterlego6064]

Nick It sounds to me as though the OP had already had a very busy day with lots of chores and didn't want to do another chore as she just wanted to get to bed.

However, I think the OP is asking about her OH's reaction, rather than whether the division of chores is fair.

[FatimaLovesBread]

WTF?!
What is there for you to apologise for?

If DH said he fucking hated me if be telling him where to go.

How does he justify that reaction over locking the door

[K8Middleton]

Wtf? I would have packed him a bag and kicked him out for that and the consequences be damned!

But there is no way I would tolerate that crap from anyone nevermind someone who is supposed to love and respect me.

[Madamecastafiore]

I would leave my DH if he did that to me.

Is it normal for him to do this to you?

Do you treat him with the same amount of disrespect?

[Mandy2003]

That sort of language and behaviour is NEVER acceptable IMO. I agree with the earlier poster who said their reaction to "I fucking hate you" would have been "Well what are you still doing here then?"

Anger and words like that can often be a precursor to violence. Do you ever feel unsafe around him?

But. You describe having a stressy time with visitors for the weekend etc. Are the visitors his friends/family or yours? If they are yours, do you think this is too much for your OH to handle? Does he have emotional problems normally which would be made much worse by a disruption to his routine? I know if I had weekend visitors I would be in pieces the first day, I just don't handle that sort of thing well.

It made me wonder, you see, when you said he came in during dinner, ate and went out again that he's not happy with the disruption?

[ScrambledSmegs]

What on earth would you be apologising for?! Not having kicked his abusive arse out yet?

He sounds awful.

[wheredidiputit]

I'm betting he behaving like this because the visitors are your relatives and he doesn't want them there.

I wouldn't be apologising to him, but I wouldn't be going out of my way to be anything but civil to him or going out of my way to accommodate him.

[ivykaty44]

why would you say sorry to a man that was swearing and nasty to you?

[ChasedByBees]

I don't think anything would have deserved tha reaction. The fact that he is not grovelling with an apology means it wasn't some momentary madness. Forget apologising, I'd actually LTB.

[justmyview]

You know the issue here is nothing to do with locking up, right? That's a total red herring

The issue is how your DH spoke to you. Does he speak to his boss like that? Or his mother?

Thought not. People know their victim. They know what they'll get away with. Shouting and aggression is now recognised as a form of domestic abuse, by the way. It's not just about violence

Do you have children? If so, you might wish to be aware that it's now recognised in research that hearing domestic abuse in the home (even if not seeing it face to face) is now recognised as "experiencing" domestic abuse. ie not just "witnessing", but experiencing it. Food for thought

Good luck. Stay strong

[Cakecrumbsinmybra]

Of course you aren't in the wrong. What hideous behaviour. nickname, it is irrelevant who locks up, but as you've brought it up, the OP does seem to have done more than her fair share of chores that day!!

OP, has he spoken to you like this before? Do you have DC?

[PoppyAmex]

That's pretty horrible, are you OK? Is this normal behaviour?

OP, regardless of the background story (which puts you in the right anyway), it's never acceptable to speak to someone like that, especially a loved one.

I don't think you'd be "stubborn" by not apologising, because you have nothing to apologise.

[lurkedtoolong]

This is exactly the kind of thing that DH and I get into a spat about. "You do it, no you" etc. for ten minutes then we'd laugh at how ridiculous it was. In no way would it end up with him screaming in my face telling ms he fucking hated me.

As others have said, the task is irrelevant but the verbal abuse isn't. I'd be tempted to tell him to spend the weekend somewhere else as you had visitors and didn't want to subject them to such an abusive cunt. Then when the visitors had gone he could pick up his things and go.

Does he speak to you like this often? Has he ever done it to your DC?

[BillyGoatintheBuff]

Holly fuck, that is pretty awful behaviour from your dp. I couldn't live with someone who could b so fucking horrible.

[Figgygal]

Is that normal behaviour in your house? I'll admit to us sometimes in an argument telling each other to fuck off or "do it your fucking self" but i fucking hate you that's inexcusable (even for me )

[dufflefluffle]

No it's not normal behaviour. He works hard to not really express a strong opinion so as never to be "in the wrong". But he does occasionally snap like this. Last night I was a bit afraid he might hit me he was so incensed but of course he would control that as hitting is definitely blameable. The visitors are my friends but we are together 20 years and he is fond of these friends. It was an emotional strain all round though. He went out because he has to care for an elderly relative (he does this every night) so yes, he has probably more than his fair share of stress and he does tend to keep it bottled up until he erupts like this. Which is why I wouldn't be showing him the door - I just wanted someone else's take on this in case I was missing something. I didn't ask him nicely I just stated it as I was too tired to put sweetness and light into my voice.
Thank you all though, I needed the affirmation that I am not going mad.
But also: yes, my dislike of locking up is irrational!

[ImagineJL]

Still no excuse I'm afraid. I would demand a grovelling apology or he can go and spend the weekend in a B&B on his own. No way would I put up with that, no way. I have experienced some pretty awful stress in my life, some horrible life events, as well as an ongoing very stressful job. And I have never ever come close to telling anyone I fucking hate them! He needs help.

[lottiegarbanzo]

But that still doesn't explain what he had to be angry with you about. His stress is not your fault.

So, you'd gone to bed, he was going to have to lock up before going up. You came back down, he deliberately jumped at the opportunity to get to bed without doing any more jobs, however small. You said no, you'd already finished for the day, he erupted and out came all sorts of hostility and resentment, in a form that is never acceptable to anyone. How is this not wrong?

The way you describe his efforts to avoid being 'in the wrong' makes your relationship sound like a competition to make the other look bad.

What has ' expressing a strong opinion' have to do with being 'in the wrong'? Are you saying you can't have a discussion without it becoming an argument? Or is that by 'opinion' you don't mean opinion in the interesting, conversational, discursive sense but 'criticism' or 'expression of anger'? So he's constantly restraining himself from expressing anger and criticism? Or am I barking up the wrong tree there?

[Inertia]

Why would you apologise to the person who verbally abused you?

And made you frightened that he was going to hit you?

It sounds like he needs some kind of external support if looking after the elderly relative is provoking this kind of reaction- it's hard work, but it doesn't mean you get to come home and abuse your wife.

[yoshipoppet]

I might be tempted to lock up, but I'd try to make sure he was on the other side of the door...

[MrsOakenshield]

'He works hard to not really express a strong opinion so as never to be "in the wrong". ' Don't you think that's a bit worrying, that he is so determined never to be in the wrong? I can't quite understand this - is it him not wanting to be proved wrong? Or do you come down on him if he says something you don't like (the 'wrong' thing) or which turns out to be 'wrong'? Either way, that surely needs to be sorted out between you.

[Madamecastafiore]

No way is that an excuse for they sort of behaviour.

I wouldn't expect to be spoken to by anyone like that let alone someone who was supposed to love and respect me.

[justmyview]

Oh dufflefluffle your last post makes me more concerned for you, not less. I think you're a bit in denial here. Stay strong. Look after yourself