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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being excluded from day trips with other babymums I know

37 replies

HarrieB87 · 12/06/2013 11:34

I moved from my home town to live with my partner about two months before our baby was due. I've left my parents and friends behind for him and all of his friends WAGS have little ones too but my LO and I never seem to get invited to any of the day trips they go on.

It might be because I've only been with my OH for nearly 3 years and they've known each other longer. Or because we don't have a car and have to rely on public transport.

It was my OH's 30th birthday party on Saturday night and all of the other mums kind of kept to themselves unless I went over to them. I would just like to know what I have done to deserve this treatment so that I can either remedy it or if its nothing I've done then not bother with them.

Please advise. Confused

OP posts:
PessimisticMissPiggy · 12/06/2013 11:36

How old is your DC?
Do you smile and approach them?
Do you make any suggestions for meet ups?

ItsallFeegle · 12/06/2013 11:38

Have you made an effort to actively get to know the WAGS?

It takes time to build friendships, why not arrange a play morning (if you have the room) and invite them and their LO's?

If you don't fancy that, what about maybe arranging to meet up with each of them for coffee and a chat?

Good luck

Original poster
HarrieB87 · 12/06/2013 11:39

She's 16 months, but not walking yet.

I'm always friendly to them. I don't always mention meeting up in case they think I'm needy. I don't think they realize I have no other friends with children.

OP posts:
Dannilion · 12/06/2013 11:40

It's nothing you've done, they just don't know you. I would probably just stick with my mates at a party. I'm quite the introvert and have no desire to make small talk or get to know people, it's just the way I am and I'd feel awful if I knew that upset someone else. Then again I've never been part of a clique, which kind of sounds like the people you are describing.

Maybe you could just mention to them next time you see them that you don't know many people in the area and you're getting a bit sad with the lack of adult company. It may be they just didn't realise this.

Original poster
HarrieB87 · 12/06/2013 11:41

I've been to a BBQ at two of their houses, and one of the mums did mention that we need to meet up more often. But as my LO isn't walking yet I kind of feel that's why we are being left out.

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 12/06/2013 11:41

Nothing. It just sounds like they are a gang of bitches

ItsallFeegle · 12/06/2013 11:45

"I've been to a BBQ at two of their houses, and one of the mums did mention that we need to meet up more often."

There you are! They wont think you're needy, honestly, put some effort in to getting to know them and you'll see they will too!

Original poster
HarrieB87 · 12/06/2013 11:46

I get on with them individually, they all seem fine with me. But I think they all went to school together and have known each other because of their OH's for longer.

The one who most recently had a baby has fitted right in with them and i'll admit that she is the only one I don't really like.

OP posts:
Original poster
HarrieB87 · 12/06/2013 11:48

Thank you ItsallFeegle Smile

I think being around my LO 24/7 with not much adult contact has been getting me down a bit. Especially as she's getting to tantrum stage!

OP posts:
Growlithe · 12/06/2013 11:50

It's not easy to break into a group like this. Is there anyway you can find other friends in your new area? Are there any mums and tots groups etc? It may be easier to get your own group of friends rather than try and get in with a group of women with whom the only common things you share are husbands who know each other and children of similar age.

WipsGlitter · 12/06/2013 11:51

Agree it's hard if they've all been friends for a long time. You might have to gird your loins and do the inviting/suggesting.

Original poster
HarrieB87 · 12/06/2013 11:52

There is one I go to on Thursdays. I'm just gonna let my LO crawl off and play and hopefully I can meet some new people there. Smile

OP posts:
Petal02 · 12/06/2013 11:53

Some people/groups are just harder to get to know than others. I like the suggestion made my a previous poster - could you invite one of these women over for a coffee, on a 1-2-1 basis, and if that goes well, then do the same with one of the others? That might start things off?

I wouldn't want to look needy either, but sometimes you've just got to make the first move. But if you do make the first move, and still nothing comes of it, then at least you've tried.

We moved to a new village 6 years ago, and it took quite a while to make friends, but it was worth the effort. I also think making friends gets harder as you get older.

Original poster
HarrieB87 · 12/06/2013 11:55

Thank you for the advise everyone. Much appreciated. I'll drop them all a line and see what they are up to one day next week. Maybe we can arrange something. Smile

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 12/06/2013 11:55

They don't know you, but they've been friends for years. It's hard, but you need to make an effort with them.

Can you invite one or two over for a playdate & coffee? Start it being a regular thing.

Also worth you looking for your own friends, go to toddler groups/classes, chat to mums with DCs the same age as yours, make a group that's not reliant on your DP's school friends' DPs. If you go to a group or class daily, then bit by bit you'll make your own friends. If you'd stayed in your old town, I would guess a lot of your friends would be at work or have different aged DCs (so wanting to do different things), so you'd need to make new friends anyway.

(BTW - DH and I moved when I was 7 months pregnant, out of London to a town that's close to where he grew up, he knows a lot of people around here, but 3 years on I've built a group of friends and only one of them is someone who's the DW of one of his childhood friends - I do know what it's like but you do need to get out there and build your own life)

Petal02 · 12/06/2013 12:01

Is there a WI in your area? That's how I made friends in my new village. I initially thought the WI was for older ladies, but there's now a whole new wave of "young" WI groups being set up round the country. I was in my 30s when I joined, and met lots of other women my own age, and I've never looked back. We don't do Jam or Jerusalem !!!

Original poster
HarrieB87 · 12/06/2013 12:11

I'll have to look into that thanks Petal02.

I've just joined a mumsnet coffee group in my area, so hopefully I'll have more luck. Combined with weekly baby group I should hopefully build a new group of friends. :)

OP posts:
Arabesque · 12/06/2013 12:45

If it was me I might try and get friendly with the BBQ mum as she sounds okay. But I don't think I'd be bothered trying to break into a very tightly knit group of people who've been hanging around together since schooldays. It sounds a bit insular to be honest.

I think you're doing the right thing by trying to broaden your horizons and make some friends of your own instead of relying on your DP's mates WAGs.

ItsallFeegle · 12/06/2013 12:46

Where are you Harrie?

Original poster
HarrieB87 · 12/06/2013 13:10

Eastbourne.

OP posts:
Scholes34 · 12/06/2013 13:19

You should be able to make your own circle of friends, having a DC to give you a reason to go out and about, and certainly once she starts nursery and school. Cliques are always difficult to penetrate and seldom worth the effort.

dipsymum · 12/06/2013 13:33

I'm in Eastbourne! my girls are older at 4 and 6 but happy to meet for a coffee in the park on a Saturday morning. I also belong to a local WI and we're always looking for new members! Smile

Original poster
HarrieB87 · 12/06/2013 13:52

dipsymum that sounds great. I was looking into my nearest WI, always been curious about it. :)

OP posts:
sparkle12mar08 · 12/06/2013 14:07

Sadly I think it's the car thing. It happened to me too - I was eventually frozen out of what I thought was a really good friendship group, in part because I don't drive. However I'd never once asked for lifts and had always offered petrol money or bought the coffees or whatever if lifts were offered to me. If they're an established group already I probably wouldn't waste much more time trying to get in there tbh, as someone said, carry on with individual coffees etc, but don't dwell on it. I think the best idea is as you are doing - a few more groups to go to, make a few approaches, just keep trying really.

Original poster
HarrieB87 · 12/06/2013 14:10

Its the same with me sparkle12mar. Also they nearly all have 2 kids each so there would be no room for me and my LO to have a lift so I never ask for one.

Thanks for the advise. :)

OP posts: