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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being excluded from day trips with other babymums I know

37 replies

HarrieB87 · 12/06/2013 11:34

I moved from my home town to live with my partner about two months before our baby was due. I've left my parents and friends behind for him and all of his friends WAGS have little ones too but my LO and I never seem to get invited to any of the day trips they go on.

It might be because I've only been with my OH for nearly 3 years and they've known each other longer. Or because we don't have a car and have to rely on public transport.

It was my OH's 30th birthday party on Saturday night and all of the other mums kind of kept to themselves unless I went over to them. I would just like to know what I have done to deserve this treatment so that I can either remedy it or if its nothing I've done then not bother with them.

Please advise.

OP posts:

Petal02 · 12/06/2013 14:13

Cliques are always difficult to penetrate and seldom worth the effort

Excellent point Scholes34.

DinoSnores · 12/06/2013 14:17

I'm amazed that crinkles can call them "a gang of bitches" on such little information!

My guess is that, because you've not mentioned meeting up, that they think that you don't want to. They are perhaps trying not to be pushy while you are trying not to be needy. As a bit of introvert myselfp, I can see how this might happen.

Sounds like the email you're going to send is the right thing to do! Hope it all works out nicely.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 12/06/2013 14:18

Bugger them! You can make new friends and just be civil to them for the sake of your OH. They should have made an effort. They're not nice people...who wants to be with that type anyway? You can do better.

ItsallFeegle · 12/06/2013 14:22

It's brilliant you've made a connection here!

I was going to say I'm in Manchester if you're local but you're slightly off the local bus route

Original poster

HarrieB87 · 12/06/2013 14:23

ItsallFeegle. Just a little bit! haha.

OP posts:

GenuineBrunetteRoots · 12/06/2013 14:29

I too would not bother trying to break into an established group of friends and be friends with them all. What I would do is choose one or two that you like most and try to cultivate separate friendships with each of them away from the group. And also, as others have suggested, I would look for friends elsewhere too.

I've never been one for cliques and groups of friends; I far prefer to meet up with people on a one-to-one basis.

sparkle12mar08 · 12/06/2013 14:30

Is there also a gender division between their children and yours? Our friendship group splintered along gender lines as well, and at roughly the same time, I'm still very good friends with the other mums of boys from that group, far less so with the mums of girls, who seemed to see our children as almost a threat to theirs!

dipsymum · 12/06/2013 14:58

Will private message you and arrange a meet up, one of my best friends locally is someone I met from the Netmums site when I moved back to Eastbourne a four years ago so always keen to meet new people!

wishingchair · 12/06/2013 15:18

I don't think they're giving you "bad" treatment. They've got more than 1 DC, are super busy and probably have great intentions but like the rest of us, time just slips away. They might not even see each other that often hence why they loved the chance of a child-free chin-wag at your OH's bday party.

Get yourself out and about and join some toddler groups. You're going to have to put yourself out there and suggest a coffee afterwards or similar. Great friendships can develop from that kind of thing.

I didn't have a car when my DC were little. Wasn't a problem. Sounds like you've been in the area for a while ... moved 2 months before your baby was due and baby is now 18 months I think you said? They probably think you've made loads of friends. Please don't assume the worst of them.

Original poster

HarrieB87 · 12/06/2013 17:10

She's 16 months. I'm not assuming the worst of them, I just feel a little excluded that's all.

I've been trying this whole time to be friendly and get to know them but I guess such a tight knit group are already happy with the group.

I'll start building friendships at some baby groups instead. :)

OP posts:

Original poster

HarrieB87 · 12/06/2013 17:13

sparkle12mar08 the group is mixed gender mostly girls with three boys. But the ages I think are what's splitting the group. There are three 4 yr olds, and about four LO's who are the same age as my LG. So very strange, but I'm going to a coffee meet up in my area next week, so hopefully will make some new mummy friends there. :)

OP posts:

DoJo · 12/06/2013 17:26

It can be difficult to include someone new in a group where there is a lot of shared history, particularly when everyone has busy lives and not many opportunities to all meet up. It doesn't meant that they aren't perfectly pleasant people, just that it will probably take longer to become 'part of the group' than it would amongst people who don't have all those years together. None of the 'mum' friends I have are anything to do with most of my existing friends - we fell together because our kids are the same ages and those of us who got along best still see each other, and I think this is probably true of most people when they have children.

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