to be disturbed by DP swearing at kids

[shnarfles]

When he's nice he's really really nice, but when he's angry he's horrid.
We have a 4yo DD and an 8 week old DD. DP is doting Dad, helpful around the house, does all the cooking etc etc. Most of the time DD has him wrapped around her little finger and he's too soft.

But if she catches him in a bad mood he will literally tell her to 'fuck off' in quite an angry manner. I am used to him swearing at me when he is angry and take the bad with the good but swearing at her deeply disturbs me. He also told our 8 week old to 'shut the fuck up' a few times over the past two weeks when she is crying which is really upsetting too, when he does this I scold him in front of them and take them into a different room away from him. I am seriously worried about what this will do to my daughters growing up and wether Its a reason on its own to end the relationship. However DD adores him and he would definitely continue having contact. This is just a part of him and because he is their Dad they will inevitably grow up with his temper. I never thought he would aim it at them but now I am worried that as they grow older it will get worse (he calls me every name under the sun when he's mad).

It is totally unacceptable to say that to children.

Do you think it's acceptable for your kids to witness your partner 'calling you every name under the sun?' Is that what you want them to learn about relationships?

Once negative behaviour is excused it just escalates. Tell him that you won't tolerate being spoken too like that and if he doesn't seek help for his temper then it's just a matter of time before you walk away from him.. because it will be tbh.

Please don't leave your baby alone with him if he's capable of telling her to shut the fuck up.. it just takes one little shake in temper to permanently disable a child for life

shnarfles

I think you've got some big questions to think about here - not 'just' about the swearing at the DCs. you might want to ask MNHQ to move this thread to the Relationships Board. That might be a better place to discuss things in depth.

Yeuch. What a horrible man.

I don't agree that this is "just a part of him" and that means nothing can be done. Have you sat down with him at a neutral time (ie. not right after he has sworn at you or the kids) to tell him that his aggressive behaviour at home is unacceptable? If not, why not? Are you afraid of his reaction?

Does he call his boss and co-workers every name under the sun when he gets mad and tell them to shut the fuck up?

Nope this is not on either to talk to you like that or to talk to the kids like that.

My husband does have a bit of a temper on him sometimes and has been known to shout and swear at me once or twice when I irritate him. He explains to me afterwards what it is I have done and sometimes I do see he is point, I keep going on about the same thing but you know I just feel he doesn't get it. However I have made it clear to him in no uncertain terms that it is not on, I will not be spoken to like that and in all fairness to him he has really done his best and hardly ever looses his rag anymore. He also knows that if he ever did with our children (or rather child at the moment am 30 weeks with first baby) that I will be out the door straight away.

I should add though that I have made an effort to not pester him to the extent that he shouts, he has kind of explained to me that it is annoying when I just keep repeating the same thing to him. But my argument is sometimes he just doesn't listen.

A relationship and family is swings and roundabouts and if he shouts at you for a reason then you need to work that out and resolve the issue.

However him telling a baby to shut the F* up is totally unacceptable and I would not tolerate it. In fact I'd leave my husband straight away if he spoke to our baby like that and would be borderline on leaving if he ever spoke to me like that.

'when he's nice he's really really nice' this doesn't matter a jot sorry, he unfortunately cancels it out with this quite plain and simple verbal abuse. You are right to be worried about your daughters growing up and witnessing that. It's bad enough saying those things to you-but to speak to a baby or small child that way is just despicable. I wouldn't allow anyone to speak to my child that way, shnarfles, it's no wonder it upsets you.

This guy needs to change his behaviour or risk losing you. Also his daughter/s may adore him now-but as they grow older and if he's still around talking that way to you all, that love will soon turn to contempt.

It is not inevitable that the children will grow up being subjected to verbal abuse from their father.

Option

1. He is brought to realise that he must change. This is not acceptable parenting.

or

2. He is unable and/or unwilling to change. In which case you decide that it is necessary for you to make changes (eg. moving away/separation etc) so your children do not grow up being abused.

or

3. You choose to collude with him and decide, 'It's just him/He doesn't mean it/They'll have to learn not to annoy him/He's a good bloke really despite the shouting and aggression'. And grow up with damaged kids who grow up not knowing how to handle anger, or about proper boundaries in relationships.

My DH is the most easy going man you are ever going to meet, he has a live and let live attitude towards people.

The only person he will not allow either in our home or our presence (as in if he turns up we will leave) is a jerk who speaks to his kids like you describe. Which is a bugger because he is married to a close family member (I don't know why!).

We both get frustrated with the boys, my god they can push, we have both been known to mutter a FFS under our breath when the little buggers have moved on from making us crazy.

But what you describe is unacceptable and just so aggressive.

IMO you don't speak to someone you love that way, so by extension if someone spoke to me/my kids like that I would assume he didn't love us.

shnarfles, that is pretty bad, personally, I would nit tolerate a person like that.

It would deal break with me. Sorry

Are you me OP? Sorry no advice I'm like you I just suck it up.
My DP called DD a stupid bitch when she was 3 days old it broke my heart that he was even thinking it let alone saying it and our relationship has suffered as a result although I now tell him not to shout and swear at her and he does listen but I think the damage has been done

Bejeena, sorry but if your dp verbally abuses you it is not up to you to work out what you are going wrong and change what you are doing!

I have a bit of a potty mouth but generally not within a childs earshot - but the odd 'bloody hell will you just clean your teeth/hurry up' or 'for god sake if you argue about that once more it's going in the bin' type thing is said and I have sung different words to nursery rhymes when babies wont stop crying - but I would NOT tolerate anyone telling a small child (or even a bigger one) to 'Fuck Off' or even 'Go Away' in an agressive tone. To me there is a VAST difference between swearing around a child and swearing AT a child - and it's not even really the swearing as such that would bother me - it would be the way he speaks to her and the telling her aggressively to Go Away :(

The way he speaks to you is also disgusting - do you really want your girls to grow up thinking that's 'OK', that they can speak to you and disrespect you like that or that men (or women) can treat them like that - that what you have is 'normal'?

It is not your fault for 'winding him up' - he chooses how he reacts. Yes - what you are doing is probably really annoying - but he has the option of saying to you 'Love, when you bang on and on about something it's really annoying, could you please not do that. If you don't think I'm listening to you - tell me'.

He is choosing to be an aggressive, horrible, person - I'd not be with him.

gagg :( OMG. I'd have told him to pack his bags there and then. Why are you putting up with him?

Does he speak to people he works with/friends like that? Bet not. He's an arsehole and if you think you will be able to 'absorb' his verbal abuse so your dc don't notice you're fooling yourself.

It's beyond vile.

And that's not my definition of a 'doting dad'.

I am used to him swearing at me when he is angry and take the bad with the good

And therin lies the problem.

Stop accepting it.

Most of the time I am a 'doting mother' but I can really lose it when my temper goes. Very occasionally I have sworn using the 'f' word in their presence, but I have never and I don't think I would ever actually tell my children to 'fuck off'.

I have said 'Go away, I don't want to be near you' - which is bad enough to a 3 year old...

He's a fucking horrible dad actually. A real bully who doesn't give a shit about his children's feelings. Don't you call him doting, doting parents don't speak to their children like that, ever. He's an abusive bully.

I wouldn't allow anyone to be abusive to my child in that way.

Is this a cultural thing? Eg does his family speak like this? If so then if he makes the effort he can change, but it will be hard. However, the anger/aggression would worry me and I'd be considering my options.
I'd like to know too if he talks like this at work?

If it's simply anger management/immaturity/bullying then he needs to sort himself out and step away from his family whilst he does so.

It is NOT 'part of him' and it is not 'just' anything. It is a form of bad, aggressive, damaging behaviour he has chosen to adopt and been allowed to get away with.

He can change if he wants to. You can insist that he changes, if it is important to you. Or, he can fuck the fuck off to the far end of fucking fuck and stay there, can't he. I expect he'd feel right at home.

Completely unacceptable. A good point raised above about whether he speaks like that to his boss/colleagues - I doubt it, in which case he IS capable of modifying his language in different circumstances.

And is your 4-year old using this sort of language at nursery/school? You'll have a whole new set of concerns when she does.

My DH can have a short fuse and can be quite shouty round DS (shouting at DS not to shout being the current favourite ) and we both swear but there is no way he would speak to me or DS like that, no.

It's not OK.