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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disturbed by DP swearing at kids

54 replies

shnarfles · 12/06/2013 10:09

When he's nice he's really really nice, but when he's angry he's horrid.
We have a 4yo DD and an 8 week old DD. DP is doting Dad, helpful around the house, does all the cooking etc etc. Most of the time DD has him wrapped around her little finger and he's too soft.

But if she catches him in a bad mood he will literally tell her to 'fuck off' in quite an angry manner. I am used to him swearing at me when he is angry and take the bad with the good but swearing at her deeply disturbs me. He also told our 8 week old to 'shut the fuck up' a few times over the past two weeks when she is crying which is really upsetting too, when he does this I scold him in front of them and take them into a different room away from him. I am seriously worried about what this will do to my daughters growing up and wether Its a reason on its own to end the relationship. However DD adores him and he would definitely continue having contact. This is just a part of him and because he is their Dad they will inevitably grow up with his temper. I never thought he would aim it at them but now I am worried that as they grow older it will get worse (he calls me every name under the sun when he's mad).

OP posts:
allmycats · 12/06/2013 11:53

It is totally unacceptable. Either he stops doing it or he finds another place to live. Does he speak to any one else like this, his parents, sublings, work colleagues etc ?? Why does he think it is acceptable to you and the children.

SingingSilver · 12/06/2013 12:16

I don't know why some people think it's acceptable to act like a decent human being throughout the day, then come home and be verbally abusive to the people they are actually supposed to love.

Shouting at an 8 week old baby is disgusting, and also counter productive. If he is not bright enough to understand that shouting at a baby is pointless, that you need to soothe them or find out what they need, I would be afraid of leaving him alone with her, for obvious reasons.

gaggiagirl · 12/06/2013 13:31

Chipping, I don't know why I put up with it but after reading this thread its given me the strength to pack his bags if he ever speaks to my daughter like that again.
At least he hasn't done it since I calmly told him not to say 'shut up' to her again even though he has said much worse to her over the past two years.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 12/06/2013 13:36

gagg - do you really need him to do anything else? Has he not done enough already? I mean, I'm pleased that this this thread has given you the strength to tell him to pack his bags if he does it again, but hasn't he treat you both badly enough already?

EvaM · 12/06/2013 13:44
Hmm

It seems everyone on mumsnet is perfect.

I agree you shouldn't speak like that to a baby (or a child or, indeed, a human). Getting precious emotional about this is not going to help.

You partner is not a horrible man, he made a mistake. Talk to him about it. That you are upset and why. Any decent person (and from your op I gather, he is) would be making an effort to change their behaviour.

gaggiagirl · 12/06/2013 13:49

Chipping, I'm making excuses for him now but he has a very stressful job and suffers with depression as a result and 95% of the time he's rather nice I want to make it work but also I don't want DD to grow up scared of daddys temper. He's controlled his anger so well this past month because I think he knows he's in lastchanceville!
God sorry for the thread hijack OP

Nanny0gg · 12/06/2013 14:32

It seems everyone on mumsnet is perfect.

Nonsense. But my DH would have cut his tongue out before he would have spoken to his children like that.

Nor does it sound like a one-off incident.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/06/2013 14:32

EvaM - Really!
He swears at his children.
He calls OP every vile name under the sun.
That's not A mistake!!!
It's not a one off. He does this regularly.
He's an abusive arse and he needs a big fat wake up call.
My DD is 15 and I have never told her to f*ck off! And boy oh boy can she push and push her boundaries.
OP this is NOT acceptable.
It is verbal abuse. Your children will NOT benefit from being with this man unless he gets it sorted out.
I would pack him a bag and make him realise that this is unacceptable and unless he gets himself sorted he can stay out!
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO - to any kind of abuse - the only abuse that is acceptable is NO abuse!!!

EvaM · 12/06/2013 14:57

Can we please stop labeling any form of shouting and swearing abuse?

So he swears and shouts at the op, when they argues and she doesn't pull him up on it. He therefore gets the message that this is an ok thing to do.
I'm all for telling him in no uncertain terms, that this behaviour has to stop. In a calm and grown-up way if possible.
Making this into an ideologically charged abuser and victim issue won't help op, her hisband or their children.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/06/2013 15:54

he calls me every name under the sun when he's mad

Sorry EvaM - but that is not OK and it is verbal abuse.
If someone at work called you every name under the sun - i.e. a bitch a cnt a fckwit, etc.... would that be OK???
Of course not. You would report it as it unacceptable and abusive!!!

It doesn't say in the OP they argue - it says she gets shouted at and ABUSED when he's mad!!!!!

Sorry - NOT OK!!!

FobblyWoof · 12/06/2013 16:24

That's awful. Sad

For some inexplicable reason my swearing suddenly got a lot worse when DD was born but it was never ever for a second aimed at her in any way. Most of the time it was just in every day conversation (not exactly better Hmm but not aggresive IFSWIM?).

I think the worst I've ever done, even at the height of my PND is mutter "oh, for fuck sake" in the middle of a particularly bad night. It's not something I'm proud of Sad but I do try and tell myself we're all human and mistakes can happen.

It really doesn't sound like this is what your DP is doing. He sounds truly awful. I wonder what he'd be like if you were having a bad day and told him to fuck off or fucking shut up? My betting is, though, that you're probably not allowed bad days yourself anyway.

FobblyWoof · 12/06/2013 16:27

eva

The impression I get from the OP is that is happens every time he gets annoyed. Not a one off. I would take my DP to town if he said that to a four year old, even once, never mind every time he has a bad day. I don't think that's precious (see my previous post re swearing), I just don't think aggression towards children is acceptable

PunkHedgehog · 12/06/2013 16:35

"This is just a part of him and because he is their Dad they will inevitably grow up with his temper. "

No.

It's not 'part of him' and it's not inevitable. He's choosing to do it and you're choosing to let them be exposed to it.

At least one of you needs to make a better choice.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 12/06/2013 16:38

EvaM - your attitude amazes me. Can you not see that you are the only here who thinks like that?

Op, this is abuse, plain and simple. Do not put up with it any longer. If not for yourself, for the sake of your DDs.

TheOrchardKeeper · 12/06/2013 16:40

It's sad that you feel this is the way it has to be Sad

Your kids don't have to end up like that. They really don't

SquinkiesRule · 12/06/2013 17:24

What a horrible man, completely unacceptable. How will he feel when Dd gets annoyed at school and tell the teacher to "fuck off" he needs to take control of himself, there's no need for this aimed at you or the children. He can swear all he liked in his head, but the words should never leave his mouth in front of the kids.

pictish · 12/06/2013 17:40

I echo everyone else.
This has become your normailty OP. Your boundaries have been eroded away by your relationship with with this aggressive, abusive man. You are so used to it, you think it's ok, and that your kids just need to learn to live with it.
Being called every name under the sun is completely unacceptable. His conduct towards his children is vile.

He doesn't speak to his boss like that does he? Or his mates. Or his mum.

No...he saves it all up for you and the kids, because he sees it as your role to absorb his shit, while presenting a decent face to everyone else.

What is very sad is that you appear to accept that.

EvaM · 12/06/2013 18:22

Stop, stop I never ones said that what husband is doing is ok.

He needs to be challenged on his behaviour, but I disagree with calling him a horrible man or an abuser.

If someone called me 'every name under the sun' I will challenge them on their behaviour and not claim victim status, not relinquishing responsibilty to people in charge without a good reason.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/06/2013 18:27

I am sorry, this is not acceptable, and he needs to acknowledge that and stop.

Evam

He keeps making the same mistake. That is abusive, whether he thinks it is or not. A grown man should not need to be told not to call his wife names, shout at her or their children. Really, he shouldn't

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/06/2013 18:28

sorry ^^ was to Eva

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/06/2013 18:32

The trouble is, that the anger and swearing at the DCs becomes habit-forming. Nothing "bad" happens in the immediate aftermath, and in fact there's a brief feeling of relief at getting the emotion out, so he thinks it's OK to continue. What worries me about this level of anger is that one day, swearing won't be enough and he'll hit your DD, or shake your baby, to get that same feeling.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/06/2013 18:33

Finally, Eva

Have you considered that someone who is shouting and swearing routinely is actually pretty scary, so "pulling them up on it" may actually be quite difficult.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 12/06/2013 18:40

EvaM
What kind of dickhead needs to be told that it's not acceptable to tell a baby to shut the fuck up? Most of us can work that out for ourselves without being told Hmm

pictish · 12/06/2013 18:47

Regular name calling, swearing, shouting and aggressive behaviour within the home is abusive Eva.

pictish · 12/06/2013 18:52

And I don't think the OP feels able to pull him up on it.
She has learned to be quiet and brush it under the rug, as pulling him up on it only escalates the aggression.

Bet you a tenner.