to not want baby gifts before baby is born?

[cantreachmytoes]

I'm just 8 months pregnant with DC2. In my last pregnancy, I didn't mind some things before the birth, but this time I've been on bed rest since 22 weeks to stop me having premature labour (I have to say that, because I do wonder if some people think bed rest is a bit of a joke). I am and have been really scared to think of the birth, because it could so easily be followed by weeks sitting with a baby in an incubator, so I've tried to put it to back of my mind. I have told people this too.

So far, I've told my MIL, who I like a lot, that I don't want to see any baby clothes (hand me downs that she's going to bring over from my SIL) until the baby is born. She said she totally understood. Next visit, which is an 8 hour journey away, so she has to pack them in a suitcase, taking up room for her own things, she tells me, "Ooops [giggle], I made a little mistake and I brought some clothes with me. Just some pyjamas and..". I interrupted her and said I couldn't talk about it, but to leave them in her room. I don't think I thanked her, because I had started to shake and didn't want want to make a huge deal out of it and hurried to calm myself and change the subject. DH took them to his office, because I was still shaking at the thought of these clothes being up there when he got home.

Tonight, my mother (who I get along with less well than MIL) told me that she's sent me some things for the new baby. I have told her that I don't want gifts until after the birth. I told her that I won't open them until after the baby is born, after she said I could open them now. In fact, I can barely write this without wanting to cry, because it brings back this awful feeling of dread.

Is this me just being hormonal? I feel - because of medical advice - that I need to focus on keeping baby inside, and having gifts etc will be great once we're there, but it's not a straightforward situation for me. It's stressful to wonder if a contraction is the start of labour, or just BH, or to worry about doing something I shouldn't (now on modified bed rest, so can move around) in case it starts labour. Labour no longer comes with "at least there's a baby at the end of it", it means that a little person will be born who will spend their first few weeks in an incubator and could have long lasting health problems, all because of something I did.

AIBU to be so scared about this (even though I know time is passing and modern medicine can do a lot) to the point where I just don't want gifts until after the birth? Especially if I've told people? Should add that I haven't been buying anything for baby either, so if you visited the house, you wouldn't know that a baby could be arriving any time now.

Bless you! I do not know the whole story here and suspect that there is more to this than just the threat of prem birth.

My Ds1 threatened early labour. I was 31 weeks and taken over 150 miles to a hospital that had an incubator if he was born. I was terrified. I spent a week in hospital and then I was in and out for the remainder of the pregnancy. Ds was eventually born at 40+3 weeks! He was fine.

I do understand where you are coming from though. Perhaps if people want to give gifts you can suggest they hold on to them until the child has been born safely? I'm sure you have tried this but perhaps get you dh to back you up a bit more forcefully.

Good luck.

all because of something I did.

Firstly don't blame yourself. You are following medical advice, whatever happens isn't due to something you have done.

You are 8 months pregnant so getting close to being full term, and with each passing day the risks of you going into early labour will decrease. Although I can understand you not wanting things do you have a good plan in place for getting everything sorted pretty quickly when the baby is here? Yes I can understand your frustration with your Mum/MIL but do remember they are only trying to be nice.

You do sound very anxious - have you spoken to your midwife about how you are feeling?

Good luck and I hope everything goes well.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I can understand people are excited to buy things for the baby, but I they should respect your wishes to wait until the baby is born before giving gifts. I think perhaps they don't realise just how worried you are about the whole situation, could your DH maybe have a word with them? Let them know why you don't want gifts before the baby is born and if they do insist give the things to him to put away so you don't see them/ know they are there.

Yanbu. This makes me really edgy.

I got my earliest at about 13/14w from GMIL. I got that she was excited (first ggc) but it felt like tempting fate. We didn't buy anything until viability, possibly until 28w iirc (where "if born today" survival first exceeds 50% I think, or some other significant centile, dunno, looked it up at the time).

A few things need to be in a house before a baby arrives. Most gifts do not.

Posted too soon.

DS1 threatened labour from 32+3. He held on until 40+6, and was and is a strong, strapping lad. You're in the best place making the best possible choices.

Oh no, YANBU at all! You have perfectly good reason to not want to see any baby gifts, and people around you need to be a bit more understanding. Your health, physical and emotional, is of utmost importance right now.

I know family are probably getting really excited about the new baby, but they can't see it from your perspective. Its not their fault, and they are only trying to be nice, but it's stressing you out, so it needs to stop! Is there any way DH could have a word with both? So that you dont have to get anxious when explaining?

OP I totally understand and I think you need to speak to your DH about ways to manage your fears and emotions surrounding baby gifts.

I think Miaow is spot on with the comment about losing the pregnancy innocence when something goes wrong, or is threatened to go wrong during pregnancy.

I would add that a miscarriage lasts even when you have managed to hold onto the baby into the second trimester. My mmc first time around made me worry all through my successful pregnancy with DS and I didnt really enjoy it. I was hyper aware of what could go wrong.

In my experience people don't tend to consider that things could go wrong, and they don't want to think about it.

But OP- we did have a successful pregnancy and I really hope that you will too.

As I say, find a way to cope with unwanted gifts ... it is not long now - good luck

so to summarise my comment... YANBU!

You're dealing with the situation you find yourself in the best way you can. Whatever you need to do to get through this emotionally, that's what you do.

In Jewish faith pre baby gifts are bad luck. For the very reason you state. Yanbu.

OP, I was exactly the same after losing two babies late on. This time I got nothing ready, wouldn't discuss 'when the baby is here', wouldn't talk about names and was really upset and anxious the whole time. It took a lot of energy to pack my hospital bag, I cried the whole time then hid it in the car boot. Everyone thought I was nuts but I just couldn't cope with the assumption that all would be well when things had gone so wrong previously. (DD is here now and my relief is enormous.) I sympathise and hope everything goes ok for you but don't think people will really listen. People can't cope with acknowledging that things don't always go well.

YANBU. Just hold on to the fact that you are nearly there.

DD was born by ELCS at 38 weeks, as I was developing pre-eclampsia and she was breech. So although 2 weeks early by normal standards, I was reminded by the midwife that "full term" is anywhere between 38 and 42 weeks, and that 40 weeks is just the midpoint of that.

YANBU.

I didn't buy anything baby related until 36 weeks and certainly didn't get any gifts until after my DCs were born. It just would seem weird/tempting fate to me and I had no reason to think that anything might go wrong (thankfully it didn't)

Yanbu, and this is from a very lucky (so far) no problems pregnancy. I'm reasonably okay buying small things but then they have to be kept hidden away and SILs excitement to buy a pram has left me feeling sick, I couldn't tempt it.

Ahh, I was the same, didn't buy a single thing or prepare in any way. I told myself that I wasn't doing anything until I was 8 months, then I'd have a lovely time in my last month buying everything. It was partly superstition, but also partly to give myself something to look forward to as DH was in Iraq throughout and was only due to come home a week before I was due.

Except

I was hospitalised at 22 weeks and had DD induced at 35 weeks. Came home battered and bruised and then had to go straight out and buy a whole bloody nursery!! Didn't have so much as a cot or a single vest! If DD hasn't been kept in hospital for a while she'd have spent her first night in a drawer, I'm sure.

Hormones....it's all hormones! Best of luck OP, don't worry, your marbles will come back when your baby is born - mine did

It is totally understandable that you feel like this :(

It is largely hormonal - but so the fuck what??

But it doesn't matter one jot whether how you feel is reasonable or not - YOU are the one that is pregnant and YOUR wishes here are the ones that need to be minded. It is not hurting anyone else to do what YOU want!

They are being really, really unsupportive at a difficult and worrying time.

However, thankfully, you are surely getting to a very 'safe' stage of the pregnancy and hopefully will be able to relax/enjoy it a bit?

YANBU. I really don't understand people's lack of consideration.

Totally understandable. I was 36 weeks at Christmas and was given Christmas presents for the baby, she had her own pressie bag. This really didn't sit well with me and I felt so twitchy about it. This was with no threat of prem labour or any other complications.

You're at 8 months now, that's a real positive to focus on. YANBU at all.

You're OK. I'm the opposite, and have got a few things because I feel I need to get excited about the baby, but I had a 33 weeker first time around, which led me into postnatal depression, and I know you should absolutely be able to decide how these things go for you. You need that feeling of control, too.

In SCBU they view 36 weeks as term, even though the official delineation is 37 weeks, so you're there really. And how nice that there will be lots of presents for you when baby gets here.

I really hope it goes well for you!

People don't get how upsetting their actions are. They want to get excited and for you to get excited, and want to believe that it will all be okay and want you to as well.

If you can't get into that space, other people's preparations are so jarring, especially as 'please don't buy anything for the baby until it's here' is a very simple request.

It's just impossible to think about life after the birth when you're so caught up physically and emotionally in the minutiae of this pregnancy.

At nearly 8 months, you're just a couple of weeks shy of full term, so you're so very nearly there. I do think it would be a good idea to speak with you midwife about your fears about birth if you haven't already, as this may be something that they can help you with.

Good luck.

YANBU in the least. In Ireland, where I'm from, traditionally people didn't give baby presents until after a safe birth, no matter how uncomplicated the pregnancy, which is why baby showers sit so badly with me. Very best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy, and the birth.