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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take baby with chicken pox to my dads funeral?

70 replies

monkeynuts123 · 11/06/2013 18:33

Oh what a sodding nightmare! Baby is a clingy one at the best of times but has just come out in chicken pox spots and thursday is fathers funeral. Service is a 3 hour drive each way and am worried about him feeling ill and whinging all the way there and back and through service. Plus of course he is meant to be quarantined so I don't think I can take him with 30 people all there, who knows pregnant, old or what. Father was a right royal shit really and I've been in 2 miinds but can I take baby like this? We haven't got anyone to have him. I can't go on my own for big reasons. WWYD?

OP posts:

raffle · 11/06/2013 22:54

He may be feeling not too bad. DS was poorly prior to the spots coming out. He was then his usual lovely self (although obviously a bit scratchy!)
He would have been no worse during a long car journey than usual.

Although if you don't want to go and feel pressured by family, a scabby pox ridden child is your perfect get out clause :)

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2013 23:53

If you don't want to go, don't. Use the baby to explain to your annoying family but make your own peace with your decision. Sorry

AnyoneforTurps · 12/06/2013 00:23

Think carefully about deciding not to go - not to please your family but for your own sake. Funerals are very important when coming to terms with a death and often it is the difficult relationships that are the most difficult to grieve for because they are unresolved.

Try not to take your DS but, if there is really no alternative, lurk at the back of the church with him. If everyone else there is an adult, it is highly likely that they will be immune to chickenpox anyway. You have to be a bit careful in case there is someone who is immunosuppressed but, as long as you keep your distance, it should be fine.

swingonastar · 12/06/2013 01:22

I think if it were me, I would have to really try my best to go, for my own peace of mind.

Is there anywhere nearby you can stay the night before, so as to minimise travel on the day? And even then, as others have suggested, arrive last minute, sit at the back, and maybe even have your partner take the baby out for a walk just as the funeral starts (to be back at the door round about the time you think it'll finish).

Otherwise - and although it being a Thursday might make it difficult to find others able to get a day off work - could your partner stay at home with the baby and you take a friend with you?

MusicalEndorphins · 12/06/2013 06:07

Don't take the sick baby out. If you can't make it, perhaps there may be a memorial service at a later date that you could attend?

inneedofrain · 12/06/2013 06:29

Just another suggestion.

Could DP stay at home with poor baby and a friend go with you? I know I would happily turn out for a friend in this kind of situation.

It also gives you a good reason not to stay if you don´t want to for any wake / celebration of life etc.

I think when a parent dies that was perhaps not what needed them to be we not only mourn them we mourn the loss of what they should have been and what they should have meant to us, iyswim

I´m sorry for your loss and I hope you managed to find a soloution that works for you.

Crazy4U · 12/06/2013 06:39

Sorry for your loss. What a difficult situation. However - 3 hours in a car each way probably means stopping at least once - whilst people at the funeral could be forewarned about the CP those at service stations will not and you won't know whether they have weakened immune system.

MrsMook · 12/06/2013 06:56

A service station could be overcome by taking refreshments and sitting outside away from people. Baby won't need to go in for the loo, and parents can take turns.

I think going is important for dealing with your breavement. DM had a difficult relationship with her mother all the way through life, and it was both physically and emotionally distant for decades, but DM was hit harder than she expected when she died of old age.

Not going would be a more difficult regret to handle than going if you're feeling torn. If you feel relieved to have a sound reason not to go that's different.

Does baby normally sleep in the car? DH took DS on a 6hr round trip to a Christening and had a suprisingly easy day as DS spent over 2/3 of the time sleeping, and was happy watching traffic the resr of the time. The way he's affected by CP would make him more likely to sleep. With the occasional dose of Calpol, he's been about 80% normal.

Ragwort · 12/06/2013 08:31

Thanks for the correction re: shingles and chicken pox .

Satnightdropout · 12/06/2013 08:54

Grrr, I'm 33 weeks pregnant with a son who has chicken pox at the mo, and because I have a weakened immune system I've worried myself sick that I might catch shingles. No one thought to tell me you can't catch them from chicken pox!!

crumblepie · 12/06/2013 09:04

sounds like there are more reasons not to go than go , why put yourself through it , stay at home and care for your son in comfort .

Pilgit · 12/06/2013 09:39

satnight -nhs website has this info or a call to the midwife would have told you.....

cosydressinggown · 12/06/2013 09:50

I do agree that you should think carefully before not going to the funeral altogether.

On the other hand, you absolutely must NOT take an infectious child out in public with chicken pox. It may be a mild illness for most, but for some - it can kill. You cannot be sure who has or hasn't had it, how infectious your child is, who has a heart problem or a compromised immune system - and the repercussions could be fatal. It's really not worth it. Can a partner or friend who has had cp look after the baby?

mummytime · 12/06/2013 09:51

You should never take a child that is suposed to be in quarantine to a crowded event, such as a funeral. It isn't even just your family, there are the Funeral directors and the Minister and any caterers too.

If your family try to pressurise you, then refer them to the dangerous side effects of CP.

If you wanted to go for closure then I would suggest you try to get someone to babysit (I would babysit for example as I and all mine have had it). But if you don't want to go, it is a long way and you don't have an available babysitter then its the perfect excuse.

tiredaftertwo · 12/06/2013 10:42

You absolutely cannot take a CP baby into contact with others - you have no idea of their immunity and there may be people in early pregnancy who have not yet announced. It is wrong to make assumptions about most people - you just don't know their health status, or the danger you could be exposing them to.

Personally, I think I'd go for going on your own, and leaving ASAP with your poorly baby as an excuse, so you avoid the family bit - just go for the service. Or take a friend. Your DH and baby may have a rough day, but they will be OK, at home, with home comforts and not stuck in a traffic jam, you will have got to the funeral, and no-one else will have been put at risk. I also think you or you and another adult are likely to get away quicker than an entourage including an ill baby.

I am sorry for your loss and for what sounds like a difficult family situation. I hope it goes smoothly.

Cravey · 12/06/2013 10:49

I think the fact that the baby is ill may be a blessing for you. It gives you the excuse for staying away. But if you feel you must go then don't take the baby. Get someone to stay home maybe partner or a babysitter. I have an auto immune problem and chicken pox causes huge issues with it. However it's not something I talk bout so a lot of people don't realise. There maybe someone going who suffers with this. How would you feel if the chicken pox thing had an effect on them ?

Cravey · 12/06/2013 10:52

Can I also stress from a selfish point of view. My summer last year was ruined by dodging people who had taken the kids out for some fresh air while they had chicken pox. It was horrid. Purely selfish I agree but maybe look at it from that point of view. The fear of standing next to a buggy ( with a raincover over ) then watching parent reach into buggy to give child something and seeing the pox, is horrific.

IloveJudgeJudy · 12/06/2013 23:41

I think that, as you have already had grief from family about this, that unfortunately, you do have to go. Just go to the service if you want to. I did not get on with my father who died recently, but I did go to the service and was glad that I had. I think that sometimes if you haven't got on with a parent, then them dying is even harder on you. You are probably feeling, with good reason, sorry for yourself that you didn't have a better father. My complete sympathies for you and your (impossible) situation.

Hissy · 13/06/2013 07:16

The grief from family is exactly why she should NOT go!

She can't be alone with them, did you see that? They're not your normal family, heck, they're not even my shower of oddballs!

RedHelenB · 13/06/2013 07:19

Perfect excuse not to go imo! Well done baby on superb timimg!!

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