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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so frustrated that I want to just scream?!?!

301 replies

ariane5 · 11/06/2013 15:13

Trying to arrange help for when I (possibly) have an op later in the week.

All I would like is for DH to take 2 days off. Look after 2 younger dcs whilst older 2 at school, let me reat when home and the following day BUT he wants me to postpone as "needs to work" and is worried how he will cope with dcs.

Dm said she "cannot possibly" take time off. Dsis said she will 'help' but her help involves taking the baby for a couple of hrs the following day out for a little walk in his "nice buggy" with her dp to cafe/shops and that's it.
Dh said he might be ok with 1 day off and I asked dm/dsis can I go to their house so am not on my own with dcs but dsis wasn't keen on 'proper' helping as its a lot of work and wants dh to help instead.
Mil wants to know why does dh need time off-shes apparently had a similar op and returned to work the same afternoon.

I just feel like cancelling, I'm nervous anyway and nobody wants to help me.

AIBU to just feel like screaming I'm so so frustrated?

OP posts:
LuisSuarezTeeth · 14/06/2013 15:03

Good for you OP Smile

Is the operation next week? Thursday IIRC?

Original poster
ariane5 · 14/06/2013 15:11

Yes next thursday, and unless something very serious happens I will not be cancelling again!

I know things have to change. I'm really hoping that direct payments will make a big difference when they come through. It will enable dh to carry on working as I will have the help I need with dcs.

OP posts:
LuisSuarezTeeth · 14/06/2013 15:26

How long do you have to wait for the direct payments?

Original poster
ariane5 · 14/06/2013 15:34

The lady I spoke to said it can take weeks. I've sent the paperwork in now have to wait for an appt for a half day course on how to manage direct payments.
Once I've completed that they should pay soon after (I've had to set up new accounts for each qualifying child).

I didn't even know about direct payments untill recently, I am really hoping it is what's needed to make a difference.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/06/2013 15:39

ariane5
It sounds like you are making further progress which is great. I think having some time to yourself will be a revelation (but might feel very strange).

Start threads as and when you need, there's no right amount of posting to do. After all, you are taking on board the helpful suggestions and acting on them so hopefully it can continue to be a source of support.

Best of luck for the op.

Portofino · 14/06/2013 18:19

Sounds like you're are taking some really positive steps. That is great. Keep on at him. Not knowing where the toys are is a stupid excuse for not doing something.

TheSecondComing · 14/06/2013 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ariane5 · 15/06/2013 18:49

Today has been a bit tough. I get the distinct impression dh is not exactly happy with me.

I have had to be quite abrupt with him. I've made a point of asking him to please do things he wouldn't usually. For example I gave him ds2 and then reminded him dd2 needed a blood sugar check and dinner needed to be put on-he looked at me as if to say "I cant-im holding the baby I can't do all that" I said to him "this is what I have to do when you are at work. It is hard but you can manage, put ds2 in the playpen, check dd2 and if she is ok get dinner on".

I felt like a nag and I just went upstairs to neaten up the bedrooms so that I couldnt be tempted to help him.

It wasn't as if he didn't do anything before but he was selective about what he would do and it was either housework/cooking OR keeping an eye on dcs, never both at same time like I have to!!
I do feel better though, and in the long run it will help as I won't have everything on my shoulders.

OP posts:
Ashoething · 15/06/2013 19:06

Good for you op! I got really good advice on here after years of my dh being a complete lazy pig around the house-give him specific instructions! So now instead of me doing it all and being resentful I shall say well dh there is the kids baths to do or the ironing so which one are you doing?Grin

Don't get me wrong-I still do 90% off the housework but it is improving slowly and this is what you have to work on with your dh. Don't cave in now! and don't take any crap off him!-they are his kids too!

TheSecondComing · 15/06/2013 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 15/06/2013 22:05

Of course YANBU-or a nag.

If he used a bit of sense, you wouldn't have to tell him anything!

Usually when two adults are there, they chip in to make it easier for each other-even if one has been at work all week.

It's part of life with young children!

Original poster
ariane5 · 15/06/2013 22:18

I couldn't see it before and although dh has faults of his own making some faults are def of my making.

For too long I've stepped in as I know I can do certain things quicker (and we are always in a rush) and he has come to rely on that.
I would say "oh its not his fault he can't do x,y,z" but really I needed to step back, let him learn and just put up with being late or behind schedule.

Mil has never helped matters dh told me today that when he lived next door to his dm a few years ago she would phone him at dinner time and pass his food over the fence-he would then pass the plates back to her to wash up after!!! He REALLY was pampered by her and I do not want to end up doing the same!

He is capable of doing more and I think finally I have realised I need to pack my violin away and stop being a doormat.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/06/2013 22:20

TSC - that's nice.

OP - I'm impressed. I hope you keep posting, I find myself caring about you & what happens to you and your DC and your hopeless tit of a husband

LuisSuarezTeeth · 15/06/2013 23:43

Ariane, none of his faults are of your making. He can make his own, all by himself Smile

I'm rootin for ya! :)

diddl · 16/06/2013 08:12

It's not your fault-he didn't have to always accept you stepping in therefore leaving himself clueless!

Hope all goes well for you.

Original poster
ariane5 · 16/06/2013 10:17

So angry.

Asked dh to give ds2 a wash after his breakfast he replied "no, I can't find the flannels and he is too wriggly you will have to do it.I'm getting dd2 ready"
I said how sometimes you have to deal with more than 1 child at once and he can't keep picking the easiest jobs as now I would have to hold ds2, find a flannel and do it as well as everything else I needed to get done.

I mentioned how on day of my op when I'm home and day after I will be in bedroom with door shut so he will have to manage then he said "you won't need to be in bed, being a bit groggy isn't an excuse" followed by "I can manage when I want to or have to but today its easier for you to sort ds out-hes YOUR little baby".

I'm so annoyed.when I have my op I might just ask to stay in overnight rather than go home to that situation.

OP posts:
LuisSuarezTeeth · 16/06/2013 10:24

Good grief, what a tit! An "excuse" Shock

HumphreyCobbler · 16/06/2013 10:25

how can he live with himself? What a poor excuse for a father and husband. I am Angry for you.

HumphreyCobbler · 16/06/2013 10:26

he really cannot see that he is expecting you to carry on as usual after an OPERATION whilst he cannot manage to look after more than one child at once when he is completely well.

He is a waste of space.

NotGoodNotBad · 16/06/2013 10:34

"being groggy isn't an excuse"

Hmm, so the only valid excuse is... being a man?

NotGoodNotBad · 16/06/2013 10:35

Have you asked him why he can't manage just once to do the things you do every day? Does he think that you're superwoman? Or that he's a total incompetent?

Original poster
ariane5 · 16/06/2013 10:40

I am so so angry. Don't know what else to say.

I just had a meltdown and cried and shouted at him.said I was going for a walk with ds2 he said why can't I go during the week as I only have dd2 as well and if she's at pre school that's when I should go for a walk.

He really really needs to change his attitude. I am sick and tired of it. He wanted 4 dcs as well so he needs to do an equal amount of work.apparently its fathers day he would "rather be doing nothing"

Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh Angry

OP posts:
catsmother · 16/06/2013 10:41

"I can manage when I want to .... "

.... and that, unfortunately, is the crux of the matter.

He is vile and selfish to an almost unimaginable degree - I'm so sorry OP, and FWIW, I think you're fantastic doing what you do (although I'm very worried for your physical and mental health).

The holiday thing is also disgusting. How could anyone live with themselves after that ? ..... he may want a holiday, as I'm sure you do too, but you'd win hands down on who needs a holiday - it's not so much about the cost but about the time and the abdication of responsibility. I know at the end of the day he should have said no but am also very angry on your behalf at the insensitivity and crassness of the BIL who suggested this in the first place - how bloody dare he make out your DH needs and/or is entitled to a break when he must know how hard things are at home - for you !

"YOUR little baby" is also him justifying a lack of responsibility. Does he imagine he was conceived immaculately ?

Original poster
ariane5 · 16/06/2013 10:44

I'm going on strike.

Obviously when dh at work I will have to carry on as usual but not when he's here. I am going to show him exactly what I have to do.

Might make him realise.

OP posts:
lechatnoir · 16/06/2013 11:01

What happened on Mother's Day op? Did you have a whole day doing nothing? You don't even need to answer because we all know that would never happen so regardless if it being Father's Day I'd be trotting out the door ALONE right about now & wishing DH a lovely day with his children...

Please book yourself in overnight after your op otherwise you know without any doubt that you'll be left doing everything Hmm

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