to have lost motivation for housework?

[GenuineBrunetteRoots]

Because no one else in the house lifts a finger, and not only that, they create mess, enough mess so that the house needs a thorough spring clean almost every day?

I am fed up with it.

DH works full time. I work part time from home but this often translates into full time if you count the hours I put in in the evenings too. As I am (theoretically) part time I don't mind doing the bulk of the housework.

However I am getting very resentful that after each meal, everyone just dumps their plate on the worktop and walks off. I am getting resentful that no one else ever puts a scrap of washing into the wash basket. I am getting resentful that the sinks and toilets are left in such a filthy state each day.

I wouldn't mind doing the housework if once a job was done, it was then over and done with for several days, but that's not the case. Each morning we wake up and the house looks like it hasn't been cleaned or tidied in months.

Then I get moaned at by DH when things are less than tidy and clean. I am fed up.

Tell them what you've put here. Pull them up on it as they do it. Stop doing as much and ignore complaints from DH.

Right, how old are the children?

And did DH do halves back in the dim-and-distant past when you both worked full time and didn't have mess-monsters children?

Sounds like you need a laying-down-groundrules session!

When he moans-tell him to do it himself.

I've never had any motivation for housework & never will.

We can't afford a cleaner, so people either help out or leave me to it tbh!

Kids are 15, 6 and 4.

I already had DC1 from a previous relationship when I met DH, but to be fair in the early days he did do a lot more. He seems to have got more and more lazy as time has gone on, and the children are picking up on his example. He used to cook meals but won't even do that these days, I am just expected to produce a meal at 6pm each night, regardless of whether my job has meant I have had time to food shop or not.

I've tried rotas, I've tried explaining to them that they all need to do their share, I have even tried going on strike but nothing changes. I just get moaned at more and we live in a pit, which I hate.

DH says he will not do any housework as he is tired from work. I do understand as he works fairly long hours but even at weekends or when he has annual leave he will not do a thing.

Pull the plug.

The only way I finally, after 5 years, got my DH to understand the sickening sense of futility that accompanied doing any housework whilst he was around to fuck everything up again was to compare it to the hours he put in to gardening and DIY - I repeatedly asked him how he would feel if I just randomly went off and trashed something he'd spent hours/a full day doing. Even weeding. I asked him, what would be better for his sense of achievement, for me to go throw a ton of moss and dandelions all over the garden in a gleefully disrespectful way or should I leave it alone?

Oh roots, I have four large suitcases you can have free of charge... :( what a bunch of monkeys and you OH is a wilfully lazy manchild twat. Deal breaker for me.

I've tried explaining similar scenarios to him purrpurr but he doesn't get it, and doesn't seem to think it's a huge problem for me to clean the house through every day, even though I have told him it's breaking me.

The rare occasion he does something to 'help', he will do half a job with a 'ta-da' flourish. Last night he got some washing in from the line and literally dumped it in the living room for me to sort. If he unloads the dishwasher he literally opens one cupboard, and throws everything into it, and makes a big bang and crash whilst he does it. All our kitchen cupboards get messed up on a daily basis as he and the kids rummage through them like dogs digging a hole

They are all old enough to clean up after themselves. My 7 and 5 year old only get pocket money if they put their own plates and cups in the dishwasher after every meal and keep their bedroom tidy. Otherwise they get no pocket money. Your DH is being a slacker. You could just go on strike wrt your DH's laundry, meals etc til he gets the message. Feed the kids before he gets home from work then he will have to sort himself out. Explain that this is the way it will be until he starts to support you and pull his weight.

You have got to work out which is worse for you - repeatedly telling them to put clothes away, put plates in the sink etc, or for you to do it yourself.

I always remember what my friend told me - she's a Buddhist,
Before enlightenment you do the washing up
After enlightenment you do the washing up

I have gone down the nagging route. Does not make me feel marvellous but it beats feeling undervalued.

He also always manages to find something urgent that needs doing every night at bathtime and bedtime, especially if I have urgent work that I need to do (I work for a company based in another country, so some work needs to be done at night when it is their daytime).

Roots when he suddenly remembers an urgent thing to do at bedtime or bath time, do you call him on it there and then?

Oh wow, what an arse. You're family are showing you a complete lack of respect, and you're allowing it to happen. You shouldn't have to nag, whinge or argue. I would look at some counselling and make it a deal breaker.

He sounds like a complete twat TBH.

Time to get super strict. For a start, if the clothes aren't in the laundry basket, they don't get washed.

Sounds like my house. I only wash stuff that's in the laundry, otherwise tough. The dses pick up the worst of their crap or they get their pocket money docked and/or toys removed for 36 hrs. 123 Magic has some.good suggestions for making kids do stuff, might work with your dh too as he acting like a bit of a man-child. Good luck!

Cross posts fuzz pig: )

I've tried explaining similar scenarios to him purrpurr but he doesn't get it, and doesn't seem to think it's a huge problem for me to clean the house through every day, even though I have told him it's breaking me.

I'm sorry but you are being a bit naive if you really think he 'doesn't get it'! He understands just fine, but is getting a free ride by fobbing you off with pathetic excuses.
You have 2 choices.....accept this is what the rest of your life will be like or put you foot down and stop behaving like a doormat

Oh. My. God.

I would go stark staring bonkers living like that!

My DC's all muck in. And if my Ex eats here (usually three times a fortnight), then he washes up.

My DC's all help with chores, and as for your lazy arse husband, I would (and did, hence him now being the Ex) LTB.

Just down tools where your tool husband is concerned. And probably where your 15yo is concerned too. Both ate capable of working a washing machine, putting clothes on a line, folding and hanging clothes, cooking themselves a meal, and washing up after.

Buy them both their own set if student cookware (they do basic but full sets from tin opener to plates, pans and cutlery).

Give them their 'share' of the food money each week.

And PADLOCK all the other cupboards.

If they don't clean up behind themselves, put any of their mess on their bed / your husband's side of the bed.

You will still have to cook for the two little ones, but even they are more than capable of helping with jobs - especially the 7yo. My 2yo with SN's can wipe the table and dust! (Badly, but he tries!)

Clothes not in basket? Don't get washed. I haven't washed a single item of clothing for ANYONE in my house that isn't in my washing basket, since they were 4yo.

They run out of pants? They will have to wear dirty ones for a day, and hurry up with putting their dirty ones in the basket!

They don't food shop and buy themselves food? They will get very hungry, very quickly. If all the food for you and the LO's is padlocked (yes, you can get padlocks for fridges and freezers, SN suppliers sell them), then they will have no access to food other than the SHOP and COOKER.

Seriously, you will drive yourself into an early grave chasing after them all like this. So just STOP.

Just STOP. You are not a doormat.

I'm with everyone else on this I'm afraid. Time for a holiday!

They, especially your DH, are all taking the piss out of you. I'm a single parent, so have no choice but to do everything myself and work full time BUT my 3.5 year old DD puts away her toys, puts her dirty clothes in the laundry, puts her plate on the side after dinner and any rubbish in the bin. She's even started doing the skirting boards for me with baby wipes (a bit of a fad on her part but am enjoying it while she is enjoying it). Shame on your DH!

My DH used to be unintentionally slack on the laundry front until I started binning any dirty clothes I found lying around the place. Bin as in green wheelie dustbin, not laundry bin .

Given that nagging isn't working, I suggest trying a deadline + Pavlovian conditioning approach. Announce a change in the housework regime as follows:

To balance the opposing demands of housekeeping and time management, a daily de-clutter will take place at 08:00 hours every day. Any items that are not properly stored will be put in the bin. While you are free to retrieve anything that has been binned, once it's in the bin, it's not my problem.

Then start chucking stuff out. Ruthlessly. Dirty socks on bedroom floor? Bin. TV remote control on the floor? Bin. Favourite shoes scattered in the hall? Bin. Nintendo DS left on kitchen table? Bin.

When the wailing starts (as it will), ask your family to answer the following question: "Seeing as you have no respect for my time or effort, why the heck should I have any respect for your belongings?"

It will feel good. And the fewer possessions you have, the less tidying you will have to do. Win:win in my book

Well I have decided that as no one stacked the dishwasher last night and they all left their plates on the worktop (after I cooked the meal), I am not cooking tonight until someone has tidied the kitchen. This may mean we don't have dinner until 7.30pm but it's tough luck, they will have to learn

Sounds like wishful thinking to me tbh-I don't think that you'll be eating tonight!

I don't go out to work, kids are at school, husband works, so I expect to do just about everything house wise.

But I do not expect to have to pick up after them or clean their shit from the toilet.

Oh Lord, the worktop stacking. You have my sympathy, OP. WHY is it that folk can manage to walk all the way to the worktop with their dirty plate, yet seem unable to simply bend down and put said plate in the dishwasher? Drives me potty.

DH says he will not do any housework as he is tired from work. I do understand as he works fairly long hours This makes me so full of rage.

Presumably, he understands that there are single lawyers, doctors, investment bankers. Those people either have an army of cleaners, cooks and PAs or THEY DO SOME HOUSEWORK. Why, when a man gets married and has children does his wife turn into a kitchen slave? I've worked long hours. I was capable of putting a plate in a dishwasher.

Take the power back.

And when your DH avoids bath and bed call it what it is. I started calling it 'baby avoidance activity' and DH stopped. Even now, if there is something he has to do, he will say, "promise it's not baby avoidance activity".

They are taking the piss. You need to sit the whole family down, and tell them that things are going to change right now. Each and every family member is going to muck in. If they don't, you will not cook one single meal. You will not wash one single load of laundry. All pocket money and treats/privledges will be suspended.
Your DH works more hours than you do, so sure, it's fair that you do more housework than him. I understand that the 6 & 4 years old can't help that much, but they can still muck in.
Type up a sheet of rules/chores plus give a copy to each family member. Each person needs to scrape of their dirty plate and put in in the sink/dishwasher. Each person needs to put their laundry in the hamper. Each kid needs to put their toys away. Your 15 year old can have a few chores that if completed will result in pocket money. Each person needs to rinse out the sink and flush the loo.
I can understand that your husband is tired after work even though I leave my house at 6:30am get home at 7pm and work a side job on top of that and still clean and cook but surely he could do something? I find it's much easier to get someone to cooperate if you give them a task that they don't mind doing.
I don't think that a 4 and 6 year old can clean a bathroom, and I don't think that the 15 year old should have to clean up the bathroom after them. But you can make it clear what they need to do in there (ie flush loo, hang up towels, etc) and post a list of reminders in there.
Like other posters have said there's lot's things that a 15 year old can do, such as run and empty the dishwasher.
Stand your ground!