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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be itching at "of course, you earn so little" from DH ?

65 replies

dontsvetmuchforafatgirl · 10/06/2013 06:54

During a friendly discussion yesterday about planning for the future, pensions etc, I was talking about making plans for financial security. DH can be quite blase about possible future disasters, death, disablement and so on. I said I felt it was very important for me to feel feel at least covered for some misfortune and DH came out with " of course, you earn so little".

I brushed it off, touche, etc. But inside it has me itching.

I earn 32k, he earns 48k. I work in an academic field, he is a sales and production manager for a mid-sized firm.

I am very happy with my salary itself. I feel very lucky, and work in the academic field I trained for, with well known institutions. Best of all I feel fortunate to get to meet all kind of experts, extremely interesting and knowledgeable people. It is a private sector job and I also know that I have to prove myself regularly as our company is not shy of showing people the door.

I have always enjoyed my job and felt it was worthwhile and felt my husband did too. But now I feel belittled.

It is not the money itself but the glimpse of my husband's character that I caught that so upsets me. Although said in jest, it was from the heart.

It seems he truly believes the measure of a (wo)man is money.

Or is he just saying this to make himself feel better?

Am I taking this too much to heart? I haven't said anything but it is nagging at me.

OP posts:

ChairmanWow · 10/06/2013 07:04

32k is a great salary. Way over the average. Yes, his comment was belittling. He clearly doesn't understand what 'little' is in financial terms. Perhaps he'd like to ponder on what it must be like to live on the minimum wage.

Maybe if your salary so small and his so large he should pay for all household expenses and leave the little woman with her pin money...

jumperooo · 10/06/2013 07:10

Sounds like he's saying it to belittle you, sorry.

I would pull him up on it.

Security is important. No one is indispensable in their career.

If he was earning £100k then perhaps your salary may seem small to him, you should bring him down a peg or two remind him that his £48k isn't exactly mega bucks either.

HollyBerryBush · 10/06/2013 07:13

Whats his background? Did his parents struggle for money so it's seen as a marker of success? Or were his parents successful and it's driven into him again, money = success?

ZillionChocolate · 10/06/2013 07:14

It was crass and ill judged and YANBU to feel upset by it. I'm not sure that it reflects how he views you and your work. If he suddenly stopped earning, could you meet the household expenses on your salary alone?

FasterStronger · 10/06/2013 07:22

he earns 50% more than you. its not that much more.

do you share all childcare/household chores equally?

kim147 · 10/06/2013 07:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GibberTheMonkey · 10/06/2013 07:37

32k is a bloody good wage (dreams of a job like that)
He was behaving twattishly
I would be calling him on it if I were you

Original poster

dontsvetmuchforafatgirl · 10/06/2013 07:41

My husband and I both work full time. My job is office based but his involves occasional travel. Kids are 4 and 6 and in nursery/school. Chores and bills are 50/50 but to be fair chores are probably 40/60 as he is far tidier than me. He also does most nursery pick ups/drop offs as he has car and drives to industrial estate whereas I take train right into city centre. He does have more disposable income, which he spends on hobbies and boat/car.

His family is very traditional. Father runs own business, mother is housewife. Father earns a lot, mother spends a lot.
If he stopped earning we could get by, just, on my income.

Why does this rile me so much?

I want to turn in to Xenia and start moonlight hedgefunding.

OP posts:

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 10/06/2013 07:42

I think if you were actually earning very little, then saying that is not a problem - just pointing out the truth. But you don't really earn that much less than him, and your salary is a substantial one, so he is BU.

But you seem to have inferred a lot from a flippant comment during a friendly discussion - has he said lots of other things too?

Wishiwasanheiress · 10/06/2013 07:44

Sorry 32k and 48k? And he's belittling YOUR salary? I presume he gets bonuses then as frankly just 16k difference doesn't strike me as massive enough to get get snarky comments as that.

One promotion and you could be doing better than him!

EuroShaggleton · 10/06/2013 07:45

It was a stupid comment. You both earn nice salaries.

Btw, a good friend of mine earns around 400k. If your husband finds your low salary a reason to belittle you, a reminder that there are folks out there earning a hell of a lot more might help.

kim147 · 10/06/2013 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zigzoo · 10/06/2013 07:48

He should not have more disposable cash. In a marriage both should have the same disposable cash regardless of who earned it.

Do you have equal leisure time?

Who pays for childcare?

It riles you because it is untrue. Have you compared your net pay? They will be even closer.

Are you certain he earns £48k could he earn more and be hiding it?

How much pension payments ate made and how much life assurance cover do you both have?

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/06/2013 07:53

Erm - 32k is a really good salary? Your husband needs a reality check.

Perseis · 10/06/2013 07:55

I tend to agree with zig, it's a bit of a red flag, because it's a "your money / my money" comment, not "us as a family".

Obviously in real terms he's talking bollocks, the difference between your salaries is small and after tax probably insignificant. And in the grand scheme of things £48k isn't a salary to boast about - it's a great salary as is yours but it's not "a lot".

But that's kind of not the point. I think you're right to focus on the comment because of what it implies - both that he sees your career as a hobby not something you do for money, and that his is the more important job in terms of family finances. I'd tell him it's upset you, if I were you.

purrpurr · 10/06/2013 07:56

Why does he have more disposable income? I don't get that.

GibberTheMonkey · 10/06/2013 08:12

Could you call his bluff and say you want to give up work (and sah/study) and 'let's look through our finances to see how we would manage'.

It would be a huge drop.

Original poster

dontsvetmuchforafatgirl · 10/06/2013 08:15

I don't know what is wrong with me.

I can't concentrate on my work and am having rapper like fantasies of making it rain and tucking huge wads of cash into his Y-fronts.

Very childish.

I suppose one reason this winds me up even more is because I am an immigrant into this country. I have had to work bloody hard to get where I am - the position he thinks is so laughable. Language, qualification conversion, no contacts etc, plus the disadvantage of maternity leave for 2 kids. He hasn't even moved 5 miles!

Now I am fuming!

OP posts:

CockyFox · 10/06/2013 08:19

No offence but nobody in their right mind sees earning 32k as earning so little. This post feels a little stealth boasty to me, your point could have been made mentioning percentages not figures.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 10/06/2013 08:20

Why does he have more disposable income than you?

alienbanana · 10/06/2013 08:26

He may earn 16k more, but he'll be paying 40% on the amount over 32k so I bet his take home pay isn't that much more than yours. 32k is a very good salary to earn - good take home rate and just before the HRT threshold.

He sounds like a twunt

MrsMelons · 10/06/2013 08:27

DH and I earn similar salaries with a similar difference to yours, DH definitely knows both are good and would never say anything like that. Also he does not have any more spare cash than me, we both have the same, I would be earning more than him if I was full time and hadn't had 5 years off to look after the DCs so its not like I earn less as I don't bother to work hard etc.

TBH I think he needs a reality check (unless he was genuinely joking) as in RL out of all my friends only 2 earn within 10k of what I earn and most people earn way less than half, possibly even a quarter of that salary. Over £30k is less usual especially once children are involved and I live in the South where salaries tend to be slightly higher.

You should have access to the same money as him as should your children IMO. I think you are upset because there is a bit more to this?!

MrsMelons · 10/06/2013 08:31

FFS - why does anyone who earns a reasonable salary have to be boasting. This is the second time in a week an OP talking about money has been told something similar.

People who earn good salaries still have problems!

I think the salary figure was relevant as if the OP was earning £5k a year then her DH would have been earning £7.5k so not significant even using %s equally if they were earning £200k and £300k where it is VERY significant as differences go.

noblegiraffe · 10/06/2013 08:32

I'd have said 'and you only earn more than me because you're a man in a patriarchal society', belittling his achievements.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/06/2013 08:44

I think it is entirely possible he was not belittling you. He was just exposing his naivety about financial planning - which you recognise. So, he recognises that you need to think about pensions and insurance, fine.

For some reason, he imagines he does not, because he earns enough to stash savings away to cover any eventuality presumably, very silly. He should think about not being able to work, so critical illness / income protection insurance, as well as his pension.

What he also reveals is that he sees his and your financial planning and retirements as separate and your note about disposable income reveals the same. That is worrying. That's what I would be focusing upon.

As far as 'value' goes, he works in field driven, measured and rewarded by money, you in one driven by results, which do not relate directly to financial gain. Measured on skills, responsibility etc you may well be senior to hiim, almost certainly equal.

It is not clear that he actually judges people on earnings but anyone who does, failing to notice the structural factors that differentiate sectors, is an idiot.

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