to be itching at "of course, you earn so little" from DH ?

[dontsvetmuchforafatgirl]

During a friendly discussion yesterday about planning for the future, pensions etc, I was talking about making plans for financial security. DH can be quite blase about possible future disasters, death, disablement and so on. I said I felt it was very important for me to feel feel at least covered for some misfortune and DH came out with " of course, you earn so little".

I brushed it off, touche, etc. But inside it has me itching.

I earn 32k, he earns 48k. I work in an academic field, he is a sales and production manager for a mid-sized firm.

I am very happy with my salary itself. I feel very lucky, and work in the academic field I trained for, with well known institutions. Best of all I feel fortunate to get to meet all kind of experts, extremely interesting and knowledgeable people. It is a private sector job and I also know that I have to prove myself regularly as our company is not shy of showing people the door.

I have always enjoyed my job and felt it was worthwhile and felt my husband did too. But now I feel belittled.

It is not the money itself but the glimpse of my husband's character that I caught that so upsets me. Although said in jest, it was from the heart.

It seems he truly believes the measure of a (wo)man is money.

Or is he just saying this to make himself feel better?

Am I taking this too much to heart? I haven't said anything but it is nagging at me.

I agree that in a wider context your salary and his are in the same ballpark. He's being a bit narrow-minded if he's seeing a vast difference.

Presumably he would be very apologetic if he knew how you felt; don't steam silently/on here, tell him what you've told us.

With regard to finances, 50:50, contributing in proportion to income, and pooling everything can all be valid models for a particular couple, which is best at a particular time depends on the circumstances and characters of the a particular couple. 50:50 is suited to couples where both have similar earning potential. You might mention that if he doesn't see you as an equal, then it might be better to move to another model.

Hi, Sorry I put the actual figures.

I just wanted to show in concrete terms how unreasonable I feel he is being, to me to call that figure so little makes you money mad.
So I wonder - is he so money mad or is he trying to make me feel small?

Perhaps you could say "No darling, it only seems I earn so little because you spend so much of yours on yourself. Thank you for pointing it out, here's the newly revised family budget where we get equal amounts of spending money".

It was a stupid thing to say, and he needs to be pulled up on it, for all the reasons other posters say.

Having said that, has it brought up other resentments for you? - the fact that you've clawed your way up, very much against the odds, whilst your DH has not faced the barriers you have?

Maybe a sharp word reminding him of what you've achieved, and pointing out that you will not have your salary belittled, given that it's a major contribution to the family.

And who knows how things will be in ten years anyway.....things can easily be reversed.

OP why does he have more disposable money than you? Several posters have asked but you haven't answered.

As a family unit all money is family money surely, you should both have equal access.

If you don't have joint finances you're not in an equal relationship.

You said he was joking. So why are you making this into a huge thing?

I totally get that something like this can bring out your own insecurities (can i ever!) but you are attributing an attitude to him that even you admit wasn't intended.

Obviously if there are other things of concern that's different but in isolation and with the caveat he was joking I think you should get over it. Not least because the difference in your net salaries is not that significant.

I don't understand who someone who earns £48K can think £32 is so little.

Your salaries are both in the same ballpark.

He's making himself sound like an idiot.

My God, thought you were going to say you earned £5k or something, I would definitely have retaliated. What a dream your two wages are!!

What about pension contributions, they are often much more generous in the public sector. Not that it matters of course. DH was very rude.

I've googled UK income distributions, and on the basis that there are 41.7 million working age adults in the UK, I reckon he earns more than 96% of the population, and you earn more than 86%. Hardly a vast difference.

The comment itself, in the context and tone you describe, not a big deal. And although both are good salaries, 50% more is a significant difference.

The issue is more the household budget split - not to mention your apparent equation of money with self worth imo. Fantasising about showering him with cash?

Your dh would be very scathing about my paltry £15K then

my dh earns a good salary, but realises I have much better job satisfaction from my job.

Thank you for the comments . I appreciate how lucky we are and just wish Dh could see this. Now I worry, if he looks down on me, how does he treat other people?

It was said in a flippant way but it was meant. This is not just hindsight bias but he has shown some of this kind of attitude before. I think he gets it from his father.

OP why does he have more disposable money than you? Several posters have asked but you haven't answered

Despite what Mumsnet thinks, equalising disposable income isn't the only valid way to arrange things.

For example, I am choosing not to work from the end of this month. Should DW financial contribution change as a result of my decision?

OP, why on earth do you think he looks down on you?

LondonMan - I chose not to work for 5 years as I preferred to be at home with the DCs, DH was happy whatever I chose. I didn't end up with no money at all because I didn't contribute, we just had one bank account where his wages went into. Same as now I contribute more I don't have any more. If either of us did overtime or in my case the odd day or two of work then we may treat ourselves (or each other) with that extra money but never out of set wages.

If you are in an equal relationship and have both discussed and agreed to the arrangement then yes I think her financial contribution should change, you are a partnership after all. If you are leaving work for no reason and she does not want this then maybe that is different.

I was married previously and earnt a lot more than XH, it would always have been that way but I didn't take a higher % of our disposable income as that would have been unfair. He would not have been able to earn more in his field so its not like he was not bothering at all.

I'm sorry OP but your DH sounds like he's being a total arse about this. 32k is NOT a small amount and if he thinks it is he has a very warped idea of the actual value of money. You earn a good salary and should be proud of it, especially after presumably taking two periods of maternity leave which can stall many women's careers.

I am an above average earner but my DH earns 5x what I do. He would never belittle me like this and he values the contribution my salary makes to our lifestyle.

Regardless of the amounts involved the OPs H is being vile.

I believe all couples with DCs married or not, should share their money 50/50. All their money not just household bills.

One partner (usually the women by dint of taking time out for having children and often being younger and less established in their career) may earn less, but that shouldn't make them less of an equal partner in the family.

What ever message does it send to older DCs if Dad has a posh car and new golf clubs every year and mum has and old banger and worries whether she can afford some new shoes. DC do notice. It's a hell of a patriarchal message to send.

he sounds like a bit of a pratt
yanbu

don't let him talk to you like that

donts I think your DH is wrong but at least I assume he didn't marry you for your salary. He probably sees you earning less than him, him sharing chores and you trying to boss him about about how the household income is spent.

Thing is if you don't agree re. pensions etc. you have two choices

1. Go with what he says and not worry.
2. Make your own arrangements with the money you earn. You do earn money so you can do this.

I don't think you should be destitute organising some money for a pension fund etc on the household income you have described. Does your DH dictate how much you spend on other things? Economise on something that he won't notice eg. groceries / clothes then spend what you want to on your investments.

In fact he should give you money to invest if he were being financially savvy, since you will pay less tax on the interest! Maybe talk about investments such as shares, second property, they always seem more exciting but could give you good returns. If his family have their own business they must at least take a passing interest in financial matters.

Are you going to raise it with him? I'm surprised you didn't say something immediately. Surely better than brooding over it. Do you not feel you can mention things you aren't happy with?

He's a twat. 32k is a good salary. I assume it's also a very mentally challenging job, with good job recognition and satisfaction given that it's academia.

Your DH works in sales, it is all about the money, it would have to be or frankly he wouldn't last long in his role. Thoughtless and rude remark yes, but I think you may be overthinking it slightly. He was rude, tell him that and don't put up with being condescended to.

Has he had a good couple of months recently - knows there is a bonus in the post which is making him feel a bit flush? Or is his overall package excellent aside from his base salary - final salary pension, life assurance etc etc. Those sorts of perks for either of you will enhance your overall "package". If you are on a longer notice period for example, then you would stand to receive a longer payout on redundancy.

I would calmly pull him up on it when you get a chance tonight - tell him that his comments have bothered you all day and why [similar salaries -esp after tax, you've had time out to have the kids and wipe the backsides, not to mention both of you being in the top 85% income bracket]. It doesn't sound like either of you are in "jobs for life" and therefore, with two children you are quite right to want to ensure there is a buffer and a long term plan.

Whether you chose to raise the disparity in disposable income is up to you and it's no-one elses business. My DH probably spends significantly more on himself over the course of a year than I do. He has an expensive hobby which he enjoys and I don't begrudge him that. I earn more than him but don't make time for a hobby, can't be bothered to go for "spa days" and post DC I frankly feel far to fat to go clothes shopping aside from the neccessities. Our salaries do go into a joint pot and we have a monthly personal allowance he's just very good at spending his

The catalyst for the original conversation was financial planning. Get him to agree to meet with a financial planner. Nothing more effective than a third party raising an eyebrow at two reasonable joint incomes and a poor long term plan. Takes the pressure off you to be the sensible one.

daft dame you trying to boss him about about how the household income is spent

how can you boss someone about how your own household income is spent?

Faster Not what I think, just trying imagine what the husband is thinking. I have heard these king of arguments from some lovely (old fashioned) people I know so repeated it by way of explanation. By the way my Granny always squirrelled money away had her own savings accounts etc and didn't hide this from my Grandad either (in fact I think they used to compete with each other).

Oscar I think the idea of meeting with a good financial advisor is great. They should be able to speak with some authority regarding investments and the husband might feel obliged to listen.