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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have been upset by this comment from a member of staff?

38 replies

MadeinChelsea · 09/06/2013 19:18

Went to a wedding yesterday, which was 5 hours away.

Had finished work on Friday and driven half way down with two friends, booked a hotel room and then woke up at 6 the next morning, got ready and drove for another 2.5 hours.

Got there, ceremony, meal, speeches - all lovely. The reception started at 7, went up to get a drink about 9ish and the woman behind the bar says - "you look as tired as I feel"

.... I was so Sad as it's a more polite way of saying you look like shit basically. It'd been a long two days and I thought I looked ok but after her saying that I felt so self-conscious that I couldn't really enjoy myself.

The venue itself was so nice and it had obviously cost the couple a lot of money to hire it and you just don't expect staff to say things about the guests appearances.

OP posts:
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 09/06/2013 19:22

Perhaps you looked - tired Grin

You can look perfectly lovely, very well turned out and still look tired.

If you're tired, you look tired, regardless how nice your outfit or well done your hair or make up.

Don't dwell on it. I am sure you looked smashing.

just a bit tired. Grin

Tryharder · 09/06/2013 19:23

She was unreasonable to comment (I mean, seriously?) but YWBU to let it ruin your night. Im sure most people were too pissed by 9pm to contemplate your appearance.

Mckayz · 09/06/2013 19:25

I both say that and have people say it to me all the time.

Maybe you just looked tired. I could put on a million pound dress and I'd still look shattered.

perplexedpirate · 09/06/2013 19:26

What a horrid thing to say! I would be furious and may even have complained. She shouldn't have commented on your appearance at all, let alone say something so negative (and have a whine about being tired in the process-it's your job, suck it up!).

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 09/06/2013 19:26

Sounds like she was indulging in a spot of thoughtlessness to me. You might have looked a bit weary but weddings are notorious for that!

BeckAndCall · 09/06/2013 19:29

I don't see why 'you look tired' is negative? Maybe you do look tired - the details of the getting there certainly sound as if you would be tired?

The member of staff is just making polite conversation, or in your opinion, not so polite, at a wedding. If she hadn't said anything to you at all, that may be construed as being cold and unfriendly - not what you want at a wedding, maybe?

Let it go.

MeetMeinBaaBar · 09/06/2013 19:31

I both say that and have people say it to me all the time

Why would you ever say that to someone? Hmm

I would never feel the need to say that to anyone, it's so thoughtless and could potentially make that person feel quite shit.

You have no idea why that person might be tired. So stop saying it.

It's up there with the - "smile it might never happen"

DontSweatTheSmallStuff · 09/06/2013 19:31

YABU to be upset.

ok it wasn't the most tactful thing to say but if you had had a long couple of days maybe you did look tired. I suspect she was trying to be friendly and empathise with you rather than insult you.

Mckayz · 09/06/2013 19:33

Because they look tired?? It has never ever made me feel like shit when I have had it said to me. I just say I've been up with baby, insomnia.

TigOldBitties · 09/06/2013 19:33

You're being over sensitive, maybe you did look tired, and so what if you did, don't see why it's negative or such a big deal.

Chottie · 09/06/2013 19:33

An unfortunate remark! but I would not let it get to me. Lots of sympathy as people say it to me too.

MeetMeinBaaBar · 09/06/2013 19:33

The member of staff is just making polite conversation

Hmm, I think polite conversation would be - "your dress is nice", "have you enjoyed yourself today?"

Not saying - you look tired.

I'm sure an overweight person wouldn't like me saying - "you look quite fat"

It might be how they look, but it certainly isn't a nice thing to say.

usualsuspect · 09/06/2013 19:34

Seriously you would complain?

She just made a daft comment. Don't dwell on it.

usualsuspect · 09/06/2013 19:36

Saying someone looks tired is not an insult though.

Lizzabadger · 09/06/2013 19:36

I think she was just trying to be nice. I wouldn't give it any more thought.

Fecklessdizzy · 09/06/2013 19:37

Really not the end of the world though, is it? You probably did look a bit knackered!

RikeBider · 09/06/2013 19:38

You are being a little oversensitive - you probably did look tired if you'd had a long day, that doesn't mean you look shit.

She probably cringed as soon as she said it and is posting on some other forum now about saying something so stupid to a customer Grin

HibiscusIsland · 09/06/2013 19:43

I'm quite oversensitive and can take things to heart, but I wouldn't be offended by that comment I don't think. I think the woman was just sympathising and trying to find common ground/make conversation. I think saying someone looks tired is very different to saying they look fat as if you look tired you can make an effort to look more awake and paste a bright cheerful expression on your face so you don't look tired.

BrianTheMole · 09/06/2013 19:47

I wouldn't think anything about that comment. Looking tired doesn't equal looking shit.

decaffwithcream · 09/06/2013 19:48

People even on this thread obviously differ on whether they feel looking tired means looking bad or just looking as if you may be tired. Presumably she meant the latter.

DreamingofSummer · 09/06/2013 19:49

Get a grip! YABVU

perplexedpirate · 09/06/2013 19:49

It really doesn't matter whether she looked tired or not!
You just don't say that to someone. If the woman had said 'you look a bit ugly' would you say 'well maybe you did look ugly'?
She was at a wedding, had presumably put quite some effort into how she looked, and got that from member of staff?!
Yes, sorry, I would complain.

MammaTJ · 09/06/2013 19:51

I think she was being nice and showing concern.

BackforGood · 09/06/2013 19:54

I think it's clear from this thread, that people must interpret the phrase "You look tired" differently.
For me, it means ...er.... 'you look tired', which isn't a rude comment at all. I'd have said "yes, we live a long way away and were up early this morning" or something. It's usually said in an empathetic manner.

Clearly others have some secret code book, and translate "You look tired" as somehow meaning something else, or in some way being rude. I'm afraid the staff member couldn't have known about this unless she'd read this thread beforehand.

ninah · 09/06/2013 19:55

my boss is always saying this to me it drives me nuts