to have been upset by this comment from a member of staff?

[MadeinChelsea]

Went to a wedding yesterday, which was 5 hours away.

Had finished work on Friday and driven half way down with two friends, booked a hotel room and then woke up at 6 the next morning, got ready and drove for another 2.5 hours.

Got there, ceremony, meal, speeches - all lovely. The reception started at 7, went up to get a drink about 9ish and the woman behind the bar says - "you look as tired as I feel"

.... I was so as it's a more polite way of saying you look like shit basically. It'd been a long two days and I thought I looked ok but after her saying that I felt so self-conscious that I couldn't really enjoy myself.

The venue itself was so nice and it had obviously cost the couple a lot of money to hire it and you just don't expect staff to say things about the guests appearances.

[soimpressed]

I would take this as a negative comment especially as this woman doesn't even know what you look like when you are tired/ not tired. I've had people say this to me when I'm not at all tired and I always interpret it as meaning I look a bit rubbish.

I wouldn't worry about it - some people just have no tact.

[HibiscusIsland]

It's funny how we all interpret things differently. PP above thinks "you look as tired as I feel" is worse than "you're a fat bastard aren't you?" I'd very much think the opposite!

[Growlithe]

It's not that negative a thing to say. Unless you tend to look for the negative in what people say to you generally.

[UndineSpragg]

I've no doubt at all the staff member meant well, but surely it's obvious to anyone remotely thoughtful that it's tactless to tell someone how exhausted they look fairly early on during a celebratory occasion for which they will have made an effort with their appearance...?

[MeetMeinBaaBar]

seems you cant say anything to anybody now, and we should all walk about is silence

I don't know, you could always compliment someone instead of saying something negative?

Whilst on holiday once there was a woman who I noticed each night during dinner, she had two very young children and her father and husband, she looked like she never got a moments peace.

One evening you could tell she'd made a huge effort and had a lovely dress on. So when I walked by her I told her how lovely she looked, she thanked me and was grinning for ages afterwards.

If I'd gone up to her and said - are you ok? you look tired. Of course she would feel bad after making such a effort.

If you live by the saying - if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. You can't go wrong.

[MeetMeinBaaBar]

Well done Nectar you obviously were having good work outs to look "knackered"

Regardless it's bloody rude and I'm glad you changed gyms.

[LoSiento]

If you don't actually feel tired, this is a very upsetting comment, as its basically saying your face has packed in and you permanently look like crap. Probably worse than saying "you're a fat bastard aren't you" because at least you can lose the weight!

[youmeatsix]

but IN context, it was probably a sympathetic comment, why else would the OP go to great lengths to explain not only the day of the wedding but the preceding one as well? anyone would be tired with that schedule, i think she was just trying to be friendly and a bit at the people saying complain etc, seems you cant say anything to anybody now, and we should all walk about is silence,

[UndineSpragg]

Gosh, I do think it is rude in the context. This is a guest, presumably dressed up, made up and supposedly at leisure and enjoying herself at an upscale wedding, being told she looks as tired as a working staff member, presumably uniformed and knackered from being on her feet all day working, feels. I wouldn't take any notice if a colleague said it in a Monday morning meeting, but I think it's inappropriate in this context, and made the guest feel bad at an expensive event.

[Nectar]

It's not the most positive conversation opener, and although it's not meant as a put-down, it can feel that way if you've made an effort with your appearance.

Years ago I left my local gym and joined a different one because of the male receptionist's comments. I'd been to an aerobics session and felt I'd done quite well, then heard the receptionist laughing on the phone, looking at me queuing up to sign out. He actually said, 'Sorry, got distracted there. A woman has just come out of the hall looking as though she's been murdered!!'. OK I was a bit hot and sweaty but didn't think
I looked THAT bad!

I still kept going there until the end of the month but he had something to say every time, apparently I looked knackered, worn out, etc etc.

I then switched to a gym with much nicer staff, people really should think before they speak.

[pigletmania]

Yabvu lighten up, shewasvtrying to make conversation and got it a bit wrong.

[TheFallenMadonna]

One of the many things I have learnt on MN is that people have very, very different reactions to small talk. I remember reading a thread about the most outrageous things people had said about your children, and for one poster it was that there are very tall. Which is the sort of thing I tended to notice and comment on, and my own children are freakishly big themselves. But for that poster it was a huge deal, with very negative connotations. So now I am more wary with the throw away comments. And revealing how often I wash my sheets

[nkf]

It was a bit of meaningless bonding banter. Probably, she shouldn't have said it, but you shouldn't have let it get to you.

[ninah]

my boss is always saying this to me it drives me nuts

[BackforGood]

I think it's clear from this thread, that people must interpret the phrase "You look tired" differently.
For me, it means ...er.... 'you look tired', which isn't a rude comment at all. I'd have said "yes, we live a long way away and were up early this morning" or something. It's usually said in an empathetic manner.

Clearly others have some secret code book, and translate "You look tired" as somehow meaning something else, or in some way being rude. I'm afraid the staff member couldn't have known about this unless she'd read this thread beforehand.

[MammaTJ]

I think she was being nice and showing concern.

[perplexedpirate]

It really doesn't matter whether she looked tired or not!
You just don't say that to someone. If the woman had said 'you look a bit ugly' would you say 'well maybe you did look ugly'?
She was at a wedding, had presumably put quite some effort into how she looked, and got that from member of staff?!
Yes, sorry, I would complain.

[DreamingofSummer]

Get a grip! YABVU

[decaffwithcream]

People even on this thread obviously differ on whether they feel looking tired means looking bad or just looking as if you may be tired. Presumably she meant the latter.

[BrianTheMole]

I wouldn't think anything about that comment. Looking tired doesn't equal looking shit.

[HibiscusIsland]

I'm quite oversensitive and can take things to heart, but I wouldn't be offended by that comment I don't think. I think the woman was just sympathising and trying to find common ground/make conversation. I think saying someone looks tired is very different to saying they look fat as if you look tired you can make an effort to look more awake and paste a bright cheerful expression on your face so you don't look tired.

[RikeBider]

You are being a little oversensitive - you probably did look tired if you'd had a long day, that doesn't mean you look shit.

She probably cringed as soon as she said it and is posting on some other forum now about saying something so stupid to a customer

[Fecklessdizzy]

Really not the end of the world though, is it? You probably did look a bit knackered!

[Lizzabadger]

I think she was just trying to be nice. I wouldn't give it any more thought.

[usualsuspect]

Saying someone looks tired is not an insult though.