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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it unfair to deny the children ice cream

35 replies

twinklingfairy · 09/06/2013 18:07

My sis and mum can be awful when they are together!

I had though I would visit mum today because dad is going for an op tomorrow, instead they went to a tourist thing. They sent me a text at 1, which I didn't get until 2, telling me they were going.
Fair enough.
But when I asked how long they were going to be there they said they were just having lunch right then, so I figured it was a little late to throw my two into the car to travel half an hour in order to meet them all for about 20 mins, then half an hour back in the car.
And suggested that they popped in on their way past my house, the road home for them goes, quite literally past my door, and would they mind bringing some ice cream for my children whilst they were passing.
Sis called me a chancer for asking saying that they had had no intention of coming in by my house and wanted to just get on home.

I replied saying that they wouldn't have to stay long but for the sake of a long journey for me and only a short meet up, the meet up would make more sense to be just a quick one so I could give my dad a cuddle before he went in for his operation?
She responded that she would say to my mum and get back to me.

2 hours later and no response, but my mum and dad turn up, minus any ice cream.
My DS asked about the ice cream mum said, well your mother could have got you some if she had come to ...., as she said she would.

They stayed for a short while, had a wee look around my garden, I have been doing lots of work on it, I showed my mum something that I had made to which she immediately responded positively before remembering herself and jumping at the idea that the lovely lady who showed me how to make them has given me permission to make many more and sell them on, in her name. I was really honoured by this but mum just humphed.
Then, as we made our way through the living room she laughed to my dad, come on you better keep moving or she will talk your rears off no have you here for hours!
The left within 20 minutes.

Aside for my mum making me feel so low, and I, again, feel like such a child for excitedly showing her something I was proud of making.

I did tell the children that I had asked re the ice cream, but also warned them they might forget.
DD, when I said that I thought it wasn't so nice of them, responded with, well we can't get a treat every day mummy.
She is 6 and so much better a person than me.

Still, Am I being unreasonable to think it was unfair to have the children waiting all day on the promise of ice cream only for them to choose not to bring any, in what feels to me, like a punishment for my not making the journey that my mum and sister thought I should have?

OP posts:
ll31 · 09/06/2013 18:11

Yabu I think,they didn't promise, your dad's operation prob has them worried. But yanbu to feel bit upset,sounds like your mother is difficult.

kelda · 09/06/2013 18:11

Can you go out now and get the ice cream?

I'm nopt sure why you told your dd that they would bring ice cream when they had never said they would. You just assumed that they would.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/06/2013 18:12

They didnt confirm that they were bringing ice cream though. Or am I reading it wrong?

ParkerTheThief · 09/06/2013 18:14

I don't think they did promise, so perhaps your error was telling the children that they would bring ice cream.

livinginwonderland · 09/06/2013 18:15

yabu, they never promised anything.

CoolaSchmoola · 09/06/2013 18:16

YABU in that you made a promise for ice cream, then asked someone else to fulfil that promise.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/06/2013 18:16

As for your parents, I get the impression your sis is "the favourite" yes?

Stop needing their approval. I mean that nicely. It will only upset you more.

Ilovesunflowers · 09/06/2013 18:18

It's only icecream. It's not denying children anything. No one needs icecream. It's a treat they can have another time. Surely your dad and his op are much more important. As for the half hour journey. That is not a long journey... Particularly to see a parent before an op. Yabu.

flowery · 09/06/2013 18:19

"waiting all day on the promise of ice cream"

But they didn't promise ice cream. Confused

You asked for them to come round and bring some, they said they'd get back to you, presumably on both counts. No promises to either come or bring ice cream.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 09/06/2013 18:19

You should have walked them to the shop and got ice cream yourself IMO

LunaticFringe · 09/06/2013 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 09/06/2013 18:21

Why can't you get your own icecream? YABU and you should not have mentioned it to the DC either.

CloudsAndTrees · 09/06/2013 18:21

YABVU!

You made the promise of ice cream, not your parents. Whay are you blaming them for not keeping a promise you made and they never agreed to?

Weird Confused

oohaveabanana · 09/06/2013 18:26

Why did you ask your parents to bring ice cream? Surely popping into see you was the main thing - given your dads op? If you we're around waiting for them I don't quite see why you didn't buy your own ice creams.... ESP as they're not exactly as easy thing to transport around!

Agree your mum was not very helpful about your new made thing ... Is she worried about the op do you think, or always like this?

HoppinMad · 09/06/2013 18:26

I think there are a lot of issues going on from your post op. You are desperate to please your mum and seem to be craving her praise, for her to be proud of you. Has it always been like that, and do you feel she favours your sister over you? Does your sister make more of an effort with your mother hence both of them going out for the day with your dad, and you making plans to go over last minute?

Yabu about the ice cream thing, it is a little petty. There was no reason for you to ask them when you could easily get it yourself, and wrong to promise children when your sister clearly stated they had no intention of popping into yours on the way home. So you were unsure whether they would come over or not.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 09/06/2013 18:48

When did they agree to come and bring ice cream? Your post suggests that you asked, not that they agreed.

you told your children that they would be coming and bringing ice cream when they had never agreed to do that?

Is there any reason you couldn't just go and get your kids an ice cream? (genuine question. not snarky. )

It's also not clear if they knew in advance that you were planning a visit and had agreed to be in but then blew you off for this day out, or whether you just assumed they'd be in and intended to go round without checking if they'd be there.

It seems like there must be some massive back story about the dynamics of your family that mean that this is hugely significant for you and has upset you. Is there any way you can talk to them about how you feel?

Not right now, obviously, if your dad is having an op tomorrow, but when things are more settled.

StuntGirl · 09/06/2013 18:49

I am going to be generous here and assume you are worried about your Dad and instead of addressing it or dealing with it you're focussing massive amounts of energy on something inconsequential. Because otherwise your post is a clusterfuck of absolute nothing.

I hope your Dad's operation goes well Flowers

ihearsounds · 09/06/2013 18:51

They weren't denying your children ice cream.
They never promised to get ice cream.

They probably have other things on their mind than bringing ice cream.

somewhereaclockisticking · 09/06/2013 18:58

I think the issue is more complex really than the ice cream here - it's more the way your mum and sis make you feel about yourself and the fact that you clearly don't get the attention your sis does. The way she responded to your text makes me think she knows exactly how to get her oen way with your parents all the time and push you out. Unfortunately you get parents who allow this sort of thing and then you feel like you're always competing, always looking for approval and it's opk for people to say don't or move on - it's hard to just give up - especially as sometimes you just do and say things without even thinking about it and then feel disappointed that you don't get the response you had hoped for - you're probably not at all surprised by your mum's responses but it still hurts all the same.

Yes you promised ice cream not your parents and they do have other things on their minds - also possibly your sister didn't pass that part of the message on?? It certainly wouldn't have hurt them to bring their grandchildren ice cream.

I hope your venture goes well with whatever it is you're making anyway - just try and be proud of yourself because it seems your mum won't give you what you need from her. Thank goodness you have such a lovely DD - she sounds lovely.

GoodbyeRubyTuesday · 09/06/2013 19:00

You shouldn't have told your children about the ice cream, that would've avoided the whole problem. Even if they were bringing the ice cream, you didn't need to tell your children as it would've been a nice surprise. So for the ice cream YABU as no one agreed to bring ice cream.

With the meeting up it seems like you were all a bit unreasonable, or certainly less cooperative than you could've been. You could've driven to meet them if you were so keen to see your dad before the op, your sister needn't have been rude and your mum sounds very unsupportive. Is there a lot of history between the three of you?

I hope your dad's op goes well :)

redexpat · 09/06/2013 19:12

I don't think the issue here is with the icecream, or lack of it. It seems that several misunderstandings and miscommunications occurred, because everything went through your sister. Plus everyone was a bit more het up than usual becuase of your Dad's operation. Is there a history of your sister trying to come between you and your parents? Is there any bad feeling between you?

Justfornowitwilldo · 09/06/2013 19:36

Grin This has to be a wind up.

NicknameIncomplete · 09/06/2013 19:46

From your text it sounded like u only wanted them to come round so they could bring ice cream.

Maybe they were annoyed at this & also worried about the operation.

Original poster
twinklingfairy · 09/06/2013 20:27

Oh, it's all petty and childish, on both sides.
Hands up, they didn't promise any ice cream (though nor did I promise any, it was a phrase I used in the last sentence. I see how it came across wrong though. I told the children that they would because I thought they would, then realised mistake and had to say that maybe they wouldn't manage it) but they also didn't contact me to let me know that there wasn't to be any.
It's not a nip over to the shop, it's an hour round trip to a specialist shop, at rare treat for the children and the only reason I didn't make the trip was because it seemed to me that I would pass them on the road. That they would leaving as I arrived.
There isn't that much to do out there and, by the time I received the message saying that they were out there, they had already been out for an hour and were already at lunch.
There hadn't been any set plan for my going in to them and the trip out appears to have been a last minute one.
My sis was involved because she would have been up to mum at the crack of dawn to perform her perfect daughter duties ;)
There is a lot of history behind my complaint.
Yes I do try to hard to please my mum especially on the very rare occasions she visits my house. I can't help myself and feel such a fool after she has left for trying too hard. She seems to hate being my house and is always desperate to go before she has even taken off her coat (she rarely actually does take off her coat)
But the funny thing is, though my sister spends most weekends at mums, I know that my mum finds her very tiring. Sis is aware of this but is doing her own 'trying to please mum'
When they get together they love to be superior, I am normally the joint target. Sometimes I am not even sure they know they are doing it. Certainly, if I were ever to bring it up I know the response would be to pour laughing (we are only having a joke with you pixie Hmm) scorn on my concerns.

That is why I would be getting so het up today.
It's not about the ice cream. It's about the fact that I didn't do what they both decided that I ought to.
It wasn't a special day for my dad that I ought to have been with, dad wouldn't have wanted that. It was just a spur of the moment thing that I should have jumped in on, because they both thought I should just grab my children from whatever they were doing, throw them into the car, and drive immediately to join them. Obviously.
Well, no.
We were all happy at home and I just felt a quick hello with my dad, a wee cuddle, and all would be well.
To me, it made sense to just leave them to their day out, with a wee stop by me on their way home.
If they had a moment could they pick up tubs of ice cream before they left?
No, 'Your mother could have got those if she had come out when she said she would'
Just wasn't required.
It was a dig, it front of my children, for the sake of a dig.
And (petty alert) a refusal to get the ice cream just so that she could make the dig.

For the record, I also (in the same way they never said they would get ice cream) I didn't say I was coming out, they just took it that I would when I said I might.

Oh dear, holes big holes of pettiness Sad

OP posts:
Mia4 · 09/06/2013 20:30

OP had you planned to see your dad and then they skipped out to the tourist thing? Or did you, on the day or day before when they'd already made plans, contact wanting a meet up? If it's the latter then really you can't blame them for keeping to their plans, they may even think that if you were that bothered you would have arranged before the day before. It's the former that that's really shitty of them and YANBU for being down about it.

I don't think YABU to be upset that your mum wasn't too bothered or thrilled with your project but from another perspective perhaps they were annoyed you weren't making the effort to go and see them? Perhaps the text was an added 'salt in the wound' of them having to make the effort when your dad is the one going in for an OP but seeing it as you not making any? Add in saying to bring some ice cream and it could sound like a) you couldn't be bothered to get it yourself and/or b) they should have to make it up to you for not being more accommodating-which could have got their backs up. It could be all or none of the above but you can't be sure of that without asking.

YABU to think they promised ice cream though, they didn't. You expected them to stop and get some from your kids when in all fairness you already knew they may not stop or that they were diverting themselves anyway. Without any background it's hard to tell anything: you look unreasonable on some things here but it's all about context too (though I do think blaming them for the lack of ice cream is v v unreasonable and you DD has a good head on her shoulders being so level headed)