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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think neither ds or I could cope with this?

40 replies

SingingSilver · 09/06/2013 11:54

Every Friday DS (16) does voluntary work at a working farm. He absolutely loves it there, and they offered to take him on after school finishes.

Initially I was told that a taxi would take him there and back (big relief to me as I can't currently afford to own a car), and that an NVQ would be tied to the work placement.

Last week I was informed that there would be no NVQ, just an unpaid work placement, and no transport provided. To get him to the farm would involve a 25 minute walk to the bus, a 30 minute bus journey, then walking through the countryside for the best part of an hour. In some places there are no footpaths and there are a few narrow 'one car' bridges with poor visibility. And the weather now is mild - what about the sun in August, foggy mornings, ice and snow? There is no way he could make the trip, he has only recently begun to walk back from school alone (25 minute walk, very familiar route), so I would have to get him there and back home. They offered me voluntary work on the farm as a solution instead of having me wander round the village for hours until the return journey.

The issue of whether it would be 'educational' is fudgey. The placement would cost £30 a day which the council will cover, but he will only be trained. Bus travel for DS and I will cost me £30 a week, and I assume Child Benefit would stop as it's an apprenticeship-style placement, not an approved course. So finances are a concern too.

DS really wants to work there, but he's also made it clear he can't imagine walking that distance alone at any point. I have a longterm problem with my knee and I worry how it would stand up to two hours of walking everyday, plus the day of farm work inbetween! (Also, I currently claim Income Support - am I even allowed to volunteer four days a week? I have to find that out.)

DS did not take GCSEs. I HE'd for three years, then he finally had enough confidence to go to hospital school for the last year, a small class with the same problems as ds. He has only come around to academic work in the last six months and has had a lot of praise from his teachers, particularly for his artwork. There may be a possibility for him to go to a college course called 'Preparing for life and work' but I may have left it too late to apply. I put all my eggs in the farm basket unfortunately.

He can't stay on at hospital school for a year and start to work towards GCSEs because even though he legally has to stay in education for another year (don't know where the farm fits in with that tbh) the school has no funding for 16 year olds.

This is keeping me awake at night. I feel upset I allowed myself to be led on for months with vague promises instead of having a Plan B/C/D in mind too. I'm toying with the idea of one more year of HE, then college if it's too late to apply. But DS has his heart set on the farm... I don't know what to do!

OP posts:
SingingSilver · 09/06/2013 11:58
  • Sorry, I didn't read it back before I posted, it could have been clearer. I wish we could edit!

If it's an unreadable mess let me know and I'll repost!

OP posts:
ginmakesitallok · 09/06/2013 11:58

Does your ds have sn which mean he can't walk by himself?

RedHelenB · 09/06/2013 12:05

I would be looking for college courses that would offer him the chance to get 5 gcse's including maths & English tbh, unless he coukldn't do this academically?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 09/06/2013 12:05

I don't know anyone who would walk 25 mins, bus 30 mins and then walk an hour to get to work. And then reverse journey at the end of the day. Two hours each way. Nope, no way.

BridgetBidet · 09/06/2013 12:05

Can you explain the situation to the college about a late application? They may well be sympathetic and of course if there are spaces left they will be keen to fill them and won't be particularly fussed if the application is a bit late. Call them first thing on Monday.

Also, I worry that if he is concentrating on the farm thing this will give him a very narrow range of jobs that he could go for. Wouldn't he be sort of tied into doing agricultural things which aren't that well paid and would by their very nature be difficult to travel to? Also they've really messed you about, considering that do you really want to be depending on them?

The college course sounds like it is more broad based and that at the end of it he may have the option to consider going on and doing more in education.

cory · 09/06/2013 12:06

It would be easier to understand if you detailed the nature of your son's medical condition/SN; it seems from your post that you are not talking about a healthy NT 16yo, but we can't really judge anything if you don't provide the details. Also, what are his hopes for the future? Where would this lead to?

SingingSilver · 09/06/2013 12:10

Sorry, the post was already so long I took out a lot of detail! He has Asperger's, and Tourettes, and he's very socially anxious.

I don't know where the placement would lead. I need to have a meeting with the farm manager urgently. Something else I should have added is that the farm is tied to Oxford University, they use it to research ethical farming methods - it's not a one man and his dog kind of operation.

OP posts:
cornypedicure · 09/06/2013 12:13

You poor thing that sounds so stressful.

You need to put pressure on the LA to help him with this. He clearly couldn't access mainstream if he was at the hospital school, so should be supported. Legally he should be in education, so the LA need to provide that.

Have you spoken to IPSEA or SOSSEN?

cornypedicure · 09/06/2013 12:14

Does he have a statement?

You could also post on the SN board for advice if you haven't already.

SingingSilver · 09/06/2013 12:15

Bridget I am concerned that he would be left with only farming skills. It's not exactly a healthy industry right now!

RedHelen I believe the only way for him to get GCSEs would be through a sixth form and he is still very frightened by schools.

OP posts:
SingingSilver · 09/06/2013 12:15

Sorry, shopping just arrived BRB!

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/06/2013 12:15

The logistics of the farm job puts it right out of the picture tbh. And its a lesson DS needs to learn. Unfortunately what we "want" in life isnt always possible.

I think you should apply for the college course and if it is indeed too late, HE for another year and get onto the course next year.

cornypedicure · 09/06/2013 12:17

how has he got to the farm up till now? Has the LA provided transport?

SingingSilver · 09/06/2013 12:39

His Autism Outreach mentor drives him there and back currently.

We had a CPA meeting with someone from the LA. I felt broadsided tbh, all of a sudden I was hearing that the plan for ds was not at all what I was led to believe it would be - and they were so happy and proud of him and calling ds a success story. Someone actually said 'some people succeed at taking exams, some people succeed at life!' Hmm DS was pleased with that and I felt too intimdated to say 'well he has a long way to go actually...' I should have done though. They were all SEN professionals and it surprised me that the didn't take into account that any change is hard for him.

cornypedicure I'm afraid I don't know what IPSEA or SOSSEN are, but I am going to google them right now!

I will definitely call the college on Monday morning. Perhaps the farm/LA will offer a taxi in the end, but if not I will ask if he could still volunteer the occasional day in the holidays. We could make the trek if it was an isolated day trip kind of thing - I think!

I don't know what DS would like to do. He loves animals - we look after cats for Cats Protection and that's his thing not mine, he's wonderful with them. We currently have a little black cat with us who was very traumatised when she arrived, now she's a happy little thing who trots round after DS like a puppy! Aside from that he's obsessed with the XBox. Not just games though that's a big part of it, but also the inner workings of the machine, the history of Microsoft, etc. I don't know about what he'd like to do for work. He gets agitated when we talk about things that haven't happened yet.

OP posts:
Corygal · 09/06/2013 12:42

He is obviously a natural with animals, no mean feat, and that sounds like an ideal career. Could he work for Cats' Protection? They would love him to bits.

SingingSilver · 09/06/2013 12:43

Ah, have just quickly googled IPSEA and SOSSEN! Smile

I have been wondering for ages who to speak to about his future, but was told it all went through his CAMHS care coordinator. I'm so dozy, I should have asked about this ages ago Blush

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 09/06/2013 12:47

Can the Prince of Wales Trust help at all? I do hope he can do this...but see the journey is awful I really hope someone helps....

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 09/06/2013 12:48

Farming skills are more than useful OP...there is a growth in organic small scale farming and DS will be learning more than farming by dint of being around machinery and other people.

SingingSilver · 09/06/2013 12:49

Corygal I think most people who work with the animals are volunteers, but I think he'd like to go further up the volunteering pole at some point, that may be a good bargaining chip for when I try to talk him into driving lessons actually - I'll remember that!

OP posts:
Catkinsthecatinthehat · 09/06/2013 12:53

OP, are there any farms near you who take part in Woofing? Although I appreciate your DS may not want to be away overnight, there may be some more local to you than the farm where he does his current placement.

CaptainSweatPants · 09/06/2013 12:54

Would tte farm let him sleep over or would that be too stressful for him?

SingingSilver · 09/06/2013 12:57

NeoMaxi I love your name! I used to know the Breakfast Club script off by heart Grin

Yes, you could be right, I suppose my concern is that so many farms are 'off the beaten track' and until I can get him to learn to drive (hates the idea) or get him doing something that will allow me to go back to work to afford a car we're a bit stuck.

OK - so today I am going to look at the IPSEA and SOSSEN and Princes Trust sites, and tomorrow I am going to call the college, also contact the farm manager and ask for a meeting as soon as possible. If transport can't be arranged it can't really happen.

OP posts:
SingingSilver · 09/06/2013 13:04

Capt The farm does have cottages for permanent staff but I don't think he would be okay with staying over with someone. He's quite vulnerable, and I don't know the workers enough to know if he would be safe. If he panicked he would try to walk back home, he tried to do that before when staying with ex-dh.

Catkins That looks fantastic. I had no idea this existed! I'm going to have a good look at this site too - the housework can wait till tomorrow.

OP posts:
StuffezLaYoni · 09/06/2013 13:06

I have just PMd you, OP.
Farming work can lead to very successful work. My brother learned many farming skills and now runs a division of a massive estate farm in the Cotswolds.

Catkinsthecatinthehat · 09/06/2013 13:08

singingsilver I came across Woofers by accident when I did an unrelated weekend course held at an organic farm. There were a couple of teenage girls, a retired woman in her late 60s who'd 'woofed' all over the world following her retirement - it's a lovey scheme.