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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP lying about stuff

62 replies

MyGrain · 09/06/2013 09:17

DP took his kids to the cinema yesterday. He told me they were going Saturday night so I was suprised to receieve a text off him at 5pm saying the film was shit. I asked "how come you went so early?" and he replied "oh the boys just asked to go this afternoon instead"

Bullshit, they never do that. What has happened is he has agreed to take and pay for DSSs girlfriend without telling me. And why doesn't he tell me? because he tells me we can't afford to do this, that and the other (if it involves me spending any money basically) yet he'll happily go out and spend money on someone else to keep his ds happy. Now don't get me wrong, I know a cinema ticket is only £5ish and it won't exactly break the bank but only a few weeks ago the same girlfriend ended up tagging along for a meal with them (you can add an extra £20 on that then) and DP has also suggested that he might agree to to take her to a festival with them in summer (that will cost us over £100 more). It's taking the piss. Not because I begrudge the girl but I DO begrudge being told I can't spend money on myself or join a £5 a week gym etc yet we can spend money willy nilly on this girl to pacify DSS. I know what's going on, DP thinks if it's a choice between spending the weekend with his dad or his girlfriend DSS would choose the girlfriend so he's trying to keep her in on the access weekends but one - we supposedly can't afford extras and two - why fucking lie to me????

Oh and on top of this, DP text me last night to say his youngest son is getting worried about having to share a bedroom on a weekend with his elder brother (they've already been given the biggest bedroom in the house and I sure as hell am not having my two kids sharing to give them a bedroom of their own each when they're only here once a week) so dp says "don't know why, we'll have to sort something out" - errr wouldn't be because you've agreed to let DSS1 have his girlfriend over every weekend would it?? again, why lie? And on that subject, if the two lads are no longer sharing that room, is it still fair for them to have the biggest bedroom in the house whilst my lads are squashed into tiny rooms with all their stuff?

OP posts:

Tryharder · 09/06/2013 10:25

I don't understand OP.

Do you have your own money? Presumably, you either work or are claiming benefits? So why do you ask him if you can spend money on a gym when at the time of writing you are not even living together. Just join and spend your own money.

And likewise, why does he have to ask you if he wants to treat his son's girlfriend to a cinema ticket? Presumably it's 'his' money unless you gave it to him.

LEMisdisappointed · 09/06/2013 10:31

There are a few things i don't understand here

Firstly, if you do not live together what business of it of his what you spend your money on? I assume you are spending YOUR money on the gym and not asking him for it?

Secondly, why can't you see that his relationship with his children is always going to be more important to him than the one with you? Surely you aren't going to put this man before your own children? Don't expect him to do it then, because you are going to be sorely disappointed.

I think you need to look long term here - his DS is obviously an older teen - so just how much longer is this sort of contact with his dad going to be happening? Not that long i shouldnt think, he'll get a job, go to university soon and the contact will be less - your DP is wanting to spend as much time with his son as he can. The flip side of this is that this situation will not go on for much longer.

FWIW i would not have the GF staying over in my house, especially if you have young children around, i would be putting my foot down over that.

If he is lying to you now over these things, even if it is because of the way you react - this really doesn't bode well. Because if something else comes up in future that you may react strongly too, he is going to lie isn't he. Take the easy way out.

You both need to sit down and work out how you are going to integrate your families. Do you work at the moment or will you be dependent on him for a while? I would be very wary of making sure your own DC are prioritised just as much as his.

It can work - my BIL has a son from a previous relationship, however i do know that my SIL has had to make many sacrifices in terms of his time, even though they have two children of their own BIL always goes the extra mile for his DS. I bet she gets pissed off about this sometimes, but she is very independent and resourceful and it seems to work.

LEMisdisappointed · 09/06/2013 10:32

crossed posts with try harder

EleanorHandbasket · 09/06/2013 10:32

This again?

Why?
Why Why Why?

Portofino · 09/06/2013 10:35

Run, run away.

BarredfromhavingStella · 09/06/2013 10:40

Here's an idea-why don't you try putting your children first & fuck this waster off?

snooter · 09/06/2013 10:40

Why does he have to pay for your stepson's girlfriend every time? Does she not have parents that could contribute?

OnTheNingNangNong · 09/06/2013 12:16

Leave the 'relationship' before your children realy suffer. You have your own children. Put them before your relationship needs.

Listen to the advice given or simply stop posting about it.

Balaboosta · 09/06/2013 22:01

Dunno about the bigger picture but just join the gym! (speaking from the assertive but immature end of the glorious mumsnet spectrum)

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 09/06/2013 23:01

Why not just spend the bloody money? Join the damned club.

You don't actually HAVE to obey him. If you want to do something - do it. If he doesn't like it - tough. You are acting like his word is law. You CHOOSE to comply. That is your decision.

If you choose to move in with him, don't moan about life with him after that. You go into it knowing exactly what it will be like. If you choose that, then you lose the right to moan about it. It's like sticking your hand into the fire and then moaning that it burns. And then sticking it back in the fire and moaning again that it burns. either stop sticking it in the fire or accept that it burns.

I hope that you choose not to move in with him. Sure, it will cost you more to not move in with him right now, you say, but what is going to be the cost over 5 years, 10 years, 15 years? What will be the cost of your relationship with your own children? When they are grown and they tell you what they think of your choices, what do you think they will say to you?

You're not happy with the way things are now and you don't even live with him. What on earth makes you think that things will be better if you live together?

I'm fairly sure you'll move in with him regardless but it truly is better to have a higher financial cost in the short term for a better long term future for yourself and for your children, who don't actually have a choice here but rely on you to make a good one.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 09/06/2013 23:05

I've read your numerous threads.

At this stage I'm assuming you are only in a relationship with him to generate MN threads, or for blog/autobiography material.

Seriously, LTB.

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/06/2013 23:36

Your knowingly and willingly taking your children into a emotionally and financially abusive situation intentionally with apsolutly no doubt about how wrong it is.

Give there other parent a call and ask him to take over he would probably be able to put them first.

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