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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

single parent jelousy

30 replies

wonderingsoul · 08/06/2013 17:22

took the kids to the school fate today, had a lovely time, sat down to have a burger, on the next table was a dad and his son, the dad was tryi8ng to get him to eat his burger, by being silly and making a song.. i know that sounds quite odd or twee but it was really quite funny, he had his son and friend in stitches. (he was quite fit aswell.. think amrican, reall strong accent, bult very well and tall Wink)

i smiled, then got this pang of guilt jeoulsey, and just felt quite sad, sitting here with just me n the boys n my mum. looking round seeing mums n dad having fun.

normaly im happy to be single, it just every now and then its does sting that we dont have that, the boys dont have that. and prob wont ever.

can you give me a kick up the ass before i fall deeper into the self pitty hole.

OP posts:
baskingseals · 08/06/2013 17:28

You are only seeing one moment.
Think about having to wash his smelly socks.
Try not to compare your inside with other people's outside.
You sound like a lovely mum - your boys are lucky.

LeaveTheBastid · 08/06/2013 17:32

Having 2 parents doesn't guarantee happiness. For you or your kids. Don't beat yourself up, I'm sure they don't feel like they are missing out on anything at all. Flowers

WorraLiberty · 08/06/2013 17:32

Lots of kids have 2 parents at home and still don't have 'that'.

fuzzywuzzy · 08/06/2013 17:36

You have the kind of relationship you want with your boys don't you, you al love each other and enjoy spending time together.

Enjoy the good bits of being just you and your boys for now.

Why do you think this will never change tho, you could meet someone who's lovely.

mynewpassion · 08/06/2013 17:41

I don't know if your sons have a good relationship with their father. If they don't, maybe what you are feeling is the loss of that relationship with their own father and not being a single parent.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 08/06/2013 17:42

I am married, luckily to an angel bless him, but my mom decided she wanted time to herself now and moved to Spain 5 years ago, I only see her once a year 0 she doesn't feel the need to see us any more than that... I would have looked at you and your mom and probably felt all the things you did about this guy - I wish my kids had a nan in their lives, I wish I had a mom who wanted to come to the school with me, wish wish etc etc...

Not sure what point I was trying to make actually, other than I spose I understand your feelings and I would have been quite jealous of your relationship as well. hope this makes even the slightest bit of sense Blush

KatyTheCleaningLady · 08/06/2013 17:43

What you saw may have been a divorced father on the alternate weekend he has his son.

But, yeah... I can understand what you mean. It would make me sad, too, to see what looked like a happy father/child relationship if my children didn't have a father in the picture.

Original poster
wonderingsoul · 08/06/2013 17:44

i know your right. my head knows that, and tbh if i was still with their dad we deffintly would have "that" and are so much better off and happy just us 3. just sometimes the feeling creep in and are hard to shake off.

fuzzy... i dunno.. i just cant see it, i cant imagin some one wanting me.. never mind wanting me and to play dad to two children. along with my social life is very little, i dont really meet new people.

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderingsoul · 08/06/2013 17:49

babydust- yes it makes perfect sense Thanks im sorry you feel like youv lost a mum.

mynew-- no they hace zero relationship with their dad. so yes. its prob a big part of that. wishing they had a dad figure to look up to, even if it was just on the weekend.

katy- i know what you mean, but this specif farther is in the pta and him and his wife are still together and come to help with the half term discostogether. but yes, its helpfull to realize that not every thing may be what it seems.

OP posts:
snotfunny · 08/06/2013 17:49

I have a DP. He works every weekend 7am-11pm. He is very rarely around. I'm not a single parent (although I once was) and I also get that pang of jealousy when I see families out enjoying myself because I always have the children on my own at weekends and we very rarely have any family time together. I know just what you mean.

It also stings a bit that my DS1's father is remarried with another DS and the weekends DS is with them he gets the whole family time deal going on, which he never does with me.

Try to see the positives. Not all families are happy by any stretch of the imagination and there are benefits to parenting on your own sometimes - there's more scope to be spontaneous and you have a very special bond with your children when you spend more 1:1 time with them than anyone else does. Make up your own silly songs!

mrspaddy · 08/06/2013 17:53

I do know what you mean.. my dad is the person I love most in the world. He sounds like that man today.. jokes, fun, great support.
It is ok to miss this but I honestly think you never know what is around the corner and you cannot say you will never meet someone like that.

In all honesty - I think it is not everyman who is like that man today. A lot of people are not in happy relationships. Enjoy your children.. you sound like a lovely mum x

fuzzywuzzy · 08/06/2013 17:57

Wondering plenty of people are in blended families.

Don't write yourself off, my close friend has four boys and a wonderful new man in her life who's great with the boys and loves her to bits.

Spend a bit of time enjoying your life and loving your boys and yourself.

Personally I reckon anyone who joins my family unit is the one who should feel lucky. Nobody is 'taking me on'.

MummyAbroad · 08/06/2013 17:57

"Be the change that you want to see" - I know exactly how you feel, I am a single mum and get that very same feeling often. I am going to try employing "being the change" next time, i.e. steal the lyrics of the silly song, sing it to your kids and inject a bit of "that" into their lives yourself.

sorry I cant cite the author of that quote, I saw it on facebook Grin

teatimesthree · 08/06/2013 17:59

"it is not every man who is like that man today."

So true. Like mrspaddy, my dad is like that. But I know very few men of my own age who are.

kim147 · 08/06/2013 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wonderingsoul · 08/06/2013 18:06

mummyabroad- i do that. i shall try and imploy that to.. though each one have thier own song.. but yes i deffintly get what you mean lol.

fuzzy.. ---
its been 4 years. with a semi seriouse but more fun 2 year relationship in between... the reason for it ending was becasue he didnt feel able to give the whole family unit what we deserved, that said we are still good friends and he still pops round to see us.

right now, im not hunting out a relationship. just enjoying being just us, like i said in the op, most of the time imhappy being single, but if it is round the corner, im not sure if id say no.

OP posts:
corlan · 08/06/2013 18:17

I know what you mean wonderingsoul - it always seems worse on sunny days when everyone's out and about together.

Don't you notice the couples snapping at each other as well though? I noticed a few today, and it made me so glad not to be in a crappy relationship anymore.

helenthemadex · 08/06/2013 20:57

I know what you mean, although I would hate to still be with ex lying cheating arsehole and I don't mind being single, but it is hard being a single parent

I do feel sad when I see families just enjoying being together, and also the sharing of the good and fun parts of being parents together. My dd's have been on a school trip this week, and today were both given medals at tennis they were so proud and happy and I was proud of them. I miss sharing how amazing my kids are with the other person who is responsible for their existence and who should also be feeling as proud of them as I do.

I don't think he knows just how much he is missing, and I feel sad that my dd don't have the doting dad who think they are amazing

gallifrey · 08/06/2013 21:44

I feel like this when I take my girls out somewhere on my own and I seem to be surrounded by families!
My dh is lovely but he does a lot of running which normally involves me driving somewhere to drop him off so he can run home at the weekend, in the meantime I take our 2 dd's to whatever farm park type thing is nearest and I end up sitting there on my own and looking at all these families that have the dad and sometimes the grandparents there too and it almost makes me cry.
I know it's not the same as being a single parent but I do understand the jealousy of watching people all out together as a family.

I told him this a few weeks ago and he now gets up early and does his run and then we all go out for the day somewhere nice and it's lovely.

Speedos · 08/06/2013 21:58

My husband does fuck all for or with the children. My eldest is 5 and he has never taken him anywhere apart from shops on his own. Never looked after the two of them for more than an hour. I get jealous of seeing or hearing of other dad's enjoying spending time with their kids and taking them places!

meglet · 08/06/2013 22:09

You saw a brief moment in their lives.

For all you know him and his wife could have had a screaming match and months at Relate for the dad to agree to take his DC's out. My XP could be a good dad for a few minutes every so often, but it was bloody hard work.

Don't compare yourself with other families, that way madness lies.

MoodyDidIt · 08/06/2013 22:10

sorry speedos but why are you with him ?

that would be a serious deal breaker for me

(sorry to derail thread a bit Blush )

HollyBerryBush · 08/06/2013 22:14

There is the flip side of the Ops post - when you are happily married, but have no family - and you really really need to farm them out - there is a ticking clock to 18.

I get that sort of pity from divorced friends, that I cannot dispatch children to an errant father and go out on the piss. Mind you I'm past that sort of evening

suburbophobe · 08/06/2013 22:16

It used to really get to me around Xmas time, seeing dads buy presents for their kids.....

But I'm over that now - thank fuck! - cos he's coming up for 22 and looking back over the whole thing thank god his dad did leave! Our life with him in it would have been very different and a whole lot worse.

And anyway, sooner or later another relationship suddenly presents itself Grin (coming up for 8 years together).

Speedos · 08/06/2013 22:19

If I think about it too much I get sad and depressed because I am lucky in many other ways. I have no family in this country and would possibly not be able to leave (with kids) to where my support is if I wasn't with him. It's all ok though.