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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grrr I cant stand racists.... MIL thread

32 replies

ruledbyheart · 08/06/2013 12:05

My Mil and I don't get on sometimes she can be lovely other times it's very clear she doesn't like me and can be very nasty.

Today is DS2s birthday and she bought him round a pressie and card which was really nice of her especially as he is mine from another relationship and I really appreciate the effort.

BUT she is always very snipey about my pets I have 2 dog, 2 budgies and an indian ringneck parrot.
She hadn't met the parrot before so was expecting some comments but she has taken the biscuit, SIL was asking questions so I got the bird out for her to see better and the bird kissed me (as he does, gently grooms my lip) well that was it, according to MIL it was disgusting and I should put him away and no wonder I am ill (29weeks pregnant and a severe kidney infection) as the bird is probably diseased, I told her he was perfectly healthy and has been health tested etc but no he was disgusting and I shouldn't hold him whilst pregnant.

Then genius DP told her he was an indian ringneck parrot which was the worst thing to do and she launched into a rant "DP what have I told you, indian bird, disgusting having a paki bird you dont know what you'd catch, even the birds are forien now, whatever next" right in front of my DCs.

I'm pissed off not only because its nothing do to with her that I keep animals (apprently my budgies should be shot because they are noisy, but the fact she is racist in front of me and my children, I can't have it and won't have it, SIL is extremely racist due to her upbringing and will actually hide her face if she sees a black person.

AIBU to not let her look after my baby as she will not stop her comments and thinks she is doing nothing wrong?
DP has spoken to her but she is very set in her ways.

OP posts:

Buzzardbird · 08/06/2013 12:07

You should start by giving her a geography lesson I think?

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 08/06/2013 12:08

If she's passed her prejudice on to her daughter then it's likely your DC will receive the same message as your MIL won't change, did you point out that Pakistan and India aren't the same place!

Buzzardbird · 08/06/2013 12:09

Secondly (oh, I am on one now) tell her that that language is not acceptable in your house. Your dcs would be punished at school if they repeated that vile bile.

FannyFifer · 08/06/2013 12:10

I wouldn't be letting it kiss your lips especially with you being pregnant regardless of where it's from.

Your mil is a stupid racist though.

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 08/06/2013 12:16

It happened so quickly I couldn't say anything as rhey left very shortly afterwards, problem is its everytime we see her, always something like she won't come to our town anymore as there is too many "joe dakis" which is slang apprently for pakis although our town isn't very ethnically varied and if anything its more eastern European than people from Pakistan, India etc.

DP is caught in the middle as he grew up with it and isn't racist at all, and says its because she lives in a small village, but at the same time has tried to talk to her which always ends up with her belittling him and telling him that she is right its our country etc and she obviously went wrong somewhere with him if he can't respect his own mother.

OP posts:

ByTheWishingWell · 08/06/2013 12:17

YANBU at all.

If I was in your situation, and my DP had spoken to MIL to try to resolve the situation but she still would not stop spouting that crap, I would not leave her alone with my children. I'm sure it would cause awkwardness in the family, but I simply would not want my children to be influenced by her toxic views.

Difficult situation though! How does your DP feel about it?

cornypedicure · 08/06/2013 12:19

dp needs to tell her that her language was racist and extremely offensive.

I don't think YABU at all to say that you don't want her to look after your baby
she's not only racist she's thick

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 08/06/2013 12:19

Fanny I can understand some people don't like it fair enough but for her to say its my own fault I'm ill is out of order considering it is completely unrelated, I know the bird is safe and wouldn't allow it otherwise, but I can see her saying if anything wrong with the baby its down to me having animals as its already been implied several times.

OP posts:

Buzzardbird · 08/06/2013 12:25

She needs to seriously get an education. Unless she is a red head with green eyes then she is a foreigner too.
I am sorry but I would not allow her in the house. I have lived in tiny villages all my life, that does not excuse being an ignorant twat. Same goes for the banjo playing sil.
your dh needs to make a stand and stick to it or you will be raising the next generation of bigots.
all respect to you btw for not just going along with it, as is usually the easier option.

OrangeFireandGoldashes · 08/06/2013 12:40

I'd be "(w)ringing" your husband's neck as well for mentioning the parrot's type; if she's as bad as you say he must have known it would be a red rag to a bull and set her off on a rant!

Bottom line, you can't change how she feels or thinks. All you can do is keep asking her, politely (assuming you don't want to fall out irrevocably with her) not to use certain phrases in your house or in front of your children. In her own house with other adults she can say what she wants and it's up to them to challenge her or not, or stop going to see her if she offends, but I certainly wouldn't be leaving her alone with the children if she's likely to spout off racist shite without you or your husband to pull her up in it (assuming he does).

As for the animals, I'd let her views wash over me - it's none of her business what pets you keep or don't keep in your own house. A vague "well, it would be boring if we all liked the same things" should cover most situations where a comment is required.

(Of course in reality I'd be tempted to say "research shows people with pets suffer much less stress than those without. You should really think of getting an animal, MIL, it might help you chill out rather than getting so het up over racial and ethnic diversity." )

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 08/06/2013 12:56

The animal thing doesn't particularly bother me it's more the blame that as soon as anything may be wrong with me or baby then its obviously my fault one way or another.

I don't think the birds breed was intentional I think his sis asked, possibly?

SIL isn't really old enough to know better at the moment so copies her mum.

Think DP will have to have another word with her although I know it will be turned round that he is in the wrong.

OP posts:

trackies · 08/06/2013 12:58

ok i'm not a big fan of animals and birds pecking me either.

But can see how you'd think being racist and slating paki's indians blacks is bad for your child. No i wouldn't let her look after my child, but then i am brown so she probably would look after my half white kids

Sometimes people can be re-educated. Apparantly, my FIL was used to refer to people as paki's 30 years ago, but he doesn't now cos DH used to have a go at him (well b4 i was on the scene). But if MIL is set in her ways, and passed onto SIL then might not be able to change.

FreudiansSlipper · 08/06/2013 13:06

that is so stupid it is laughable

But I can understand you being upset it is hard to confront such stupidity but a firm we do to want to hear that we have a difference of opinion. and yes I would be looking for someone else for child care she is set in her ways, pig headed and stupid

BegoniaBampot · 08/06/2013 13:07

I would really struggle with that kind of racist talk going on round my children. They must be weakly ignorant and a bit thick to think that is acceptable. I would be reducing any unsupervised contact and challenging them on any comments. Lucky, never had to cope with this from my family or husbands.

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 08/06/2013 14:39

Luckily so far there is no unsupervised contact at the moment but know she will want DC4 at some point after she is born and don't want her to grow up thinking these comments are ok.

DP is going to have another word.

OP posts:

Buzzardbird · 08/06/2013 16:24

Good, well done op

CuppaSarah · 08/06/2013 18:08

I'm sorry but 'even the birds are foriegn now' made me laugh out loud. It's just the greatest most ignorant thing I have ever heard. I feel for you dealing with her. But you must already know not to listen to her by now.

Original poster

ruledbyheart · 08/06/2013 21:09

It would be funny if she wasn't so deadly serious, unfortunately although I know not to take any notice my DCs are all under 5 and repeat everything at the moment so she should know better.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 08/06/2013 21:23

Unless she is a red head with green eyes then she is a foreigner too

I am that person but appreciate the mix that is GB!! My Children have different 'white British' mixes but they are from a parent whos ancestors are not origonally British!! Goodness knows where they are from!! But their ancestors invaded my country!!

Boomba · 08/06/2013 21:28

i dont even know why you have to start a thread/ have a rant. The woman wouldnt be stepping foot in my house/ seeing my kids again. But then I wouldnt marry into a racist family, give my kids a racist aunt/granny in the first place

MammaTJ · 08/06/2013 21:33

Her DP sounds lovely, why should she not be with him because of his parents?

TBH judging somebody because of their parents behaviour is almost as bad as judging them because of thei skin colour!!

Boomba · 08/06/2013 21:40

Im not judging her dp. Im saying I wouldnt marry someone who had a racist family...because that family are going to be your childrens aunts/uncles/granny/grandad. For exactly the reason OP is worried about; she doesnt want them influencing her children

MammaTJ · 08/06/2013 22:08

Then stay with the man you love and bin the relatives!!

Boomba · 08/06/2013 22:14

you cant bin your DP's relatives, unless he wants to bin them

MammaTJ · 08/06/2013 22:15

Well he sounds like he would!! He sounds normal!

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