AIBU to feel like telling my CEO to go and.....basically unpleasant.

[HoveringKestrel]

So I've worked at my current work for 6 and half years. (I'm a gay guy and work is ssometimes a Boys Club kind of atmosphere but I get on with everyone).

Anyway, today I got called in randomly, as he looks very randomly at cases, and got told if I want to progress then I need to 'grab the bull by it's horns'. He then proceeded to ask if he had upset me as if I was a flower he had just poured salt on.

I had been dealing with this case and the person I was corresponding with is friends with CEO (same Religion), and apparantly I should have pressed for more information....e.g. Demanded it. Now it's certainly not in my remit to give this guy a hard time, if anyone it is my Manager's to demand better performances ffrom them. But in any case we're lucky if this correspondence talks to cannnon fodder like me!?! (nobody says that but its kind of an unsaid thing)

He's older (CEO), probably three times my age, fine, there is certainly a generation gap for some when it comes to talking to a homosexual, but I'm not delicate or dainty nor do I pretend to be.

Now I know I'm the best one on my team, I'm the most resourceful and most knowledgable but I take a step back rather than light a catherine wheel everytime I do something correctly.

I felt like SCREAMING. But in retrospect I'm not ssure if he's secretly routing ffor me and just went about it wrong? I can't talk to people at work because when I told people about 'the chat', they decided to hear "grab bull by its balls" and it went back to me being gay and into the boys club again. I would really appreciate 3rd party opinions.

He said 'not within my nature'? I think he knows you a lot better than you think. So, now that you have cultivated this nicey nicey image, are you going to think about how you present yourself in the workplace? Nice can equate to competence and professionalism obviously, but he was pulling you up for being inadequate in a particular interaction.

You brought up the differences between you in your op, and your homosexuality. He didn't. He was criticizing you for being too nice, not for being too gay. He is giving you a big hint that you need to start creating a more capable and firm manner with clients.

I think you have completely misunderstood his intentions. (And if I may say - the pouring salt on a flower thing was a big clue )

And I have to say, you have put yourself on a bit of a pedestal - I mean, the rest of them are all fat and ugly with bad hair? Walking cliche, man.

Sleep on it over the weekend, and next week make an effort to avoid silly banter and start giving yourself a corporate makeover. You can create a 'competent professional' image, I'm sure, even if you do go out A LOT.

I think he sees you as quite young and immature and in need of guidance, not as a weedy gay guy.

We've all had (what we perceive as) unjust criticism at work. I can't chalk it up to being gay, but I've certainly chalked it up to being a woman occasionally. I worked in a pretty much all male environment for twenty years and i've seen some girls work the 'different' angle. I've also seen some work the 'identikit' angle and eschew all traditional femininity (tried it myself for a bit). No one's asking you to change your identity, but your boss is telling you what characteristics you need to be working on to succeed in that environment.

You could always assume that he's interested enough in your work that he's watching you for future promotions. it's more likely than him singling you out to do a gay number.

Massive cross post.

Yes, I hope that was a cross post because that last one was entirely wrong and pretty offensive and massively off the mark.

Then if you think he has you wrong, you need to make sure he has you right.

It sounded as though you were trying to make out he had a problem with you being gay, not that he just hadn't recognised your robust 'say it like it is' reputation. I'm a bit baffled how this tallies with the too nice and always being taken advantage of thing, though. It can't really work both ways. Either you have a nails image at work, and are well respected by the MD for that, or you revel in playing the gay guy with the slick hair and racy party every night thang (racist banter optional).

What wash offensive? Not my intention. I'm quoting your comments about your colleagues (which mark them as Other in exactly the same way they banter you). I found that pretty offensive.

It's all about the tone, right? If you accuse him of being a thief with a twinkle in your eye, he's not supposed to take offence? In the same way that you don't take offence when someone makes gay jokes?

Neither has any role in the workplace, tbh, unless you have a particularly dangerous job that relies on edgy banter for bonding purposes. And I'm guessing noone's shooting at you.

Can I ask you as well, (and I'm not having a go! ) whether you think you may have a self esteem problems lurking round and about, if you consider people who don't know you well enough to know you find their banter demeaning, as 'close friends'.

And that another close friend would know you so little that rather than saying 'I don't feel comfortable with you seeing that as a 'joke'' would accuse you of being a racist.

In other words why are you 'close friends' with people you believe to be homophobes (right term?) and why has he ended up friends with someone he thinks capable of being a racist?

I really should go to bed, my brain's started to eat itself

I didn't see anything offensive at all in Prissys post, it's OK to discuss the ways people are excluded and treated differently, it's the only way to resolve it on both a personal and social level.

Who the fuck said going out every night???
Nobody has ever said that.

The MD is a very outgoing, alphamale, loud, almost aggresive man, and he just gets me, not the aggresion but he likes my honesty about what I think, my humour, and the fact I'm not scared of him (he is a scary bloke but what you see is what you get). The CEO, I don't know, he has phases of favourite people (quite well known its a flavour off the month kinda thing), and we have NOTHING in common. I mean literally.

I just didn't like how I got called into his office today and got asked "Do I want to progress?" After spending 6 years there, when its one of his mates which is failing and I suddenly get go ahead to have a go but I failed because I didn't do it *before.........

'"Do I want to progress?"'

That could mean if you want promotion then you have to take on a more direct strategy.

Isn't that a legit boss remit?

They tell you to jump and you say how high?

They pay you for doing a job they detail in a way they'll outline?

That's paring it down to the bone, but basically how it works.

But if you genuinely can't write it off as that and it's a wider problem of bullying, then that's obviously more serious.

All I was asking was if I should be mad at my CEO, basically for treating me differently.

I don't think its bullying. I DON'T. My problem is, I'm the best one on the team, and they NEVER get a PEP talk. I was put in this IMPOSSIBLE situation, and suddenly I had to be affirmative with his mate!?!?

I don't have an easy job at the best of times, its not high on priority if you have a conscience, and for the CEO - who doesnt need to think about it - to go ahead and tell me to grab the bull....

I was pissed off.

This is coming from the man, who last week, my annual salury is literally 3% of what I made him.

^And that was in one sale^

I think you just sound pissed because you got criticized tbh.

And I get that. But you are turning it into a massive incident, when the dude probably thought he was doing you a favour by pointing out where you went wrong, so that you can correct it next time.

It's life. Get over it.

...............unfortunately I read that before sleep, and althought I appreciate your input, fuck off and don't patronise me.

Just say I'm being unreasonable next time.

I'm sorry, didn't mean to swear.

I think if you don't know what he actually meant by it and if you don't feel able to go in and ask for clarification (I certainly wouldn't) then the only thing is to approach it as if he is routing for you and take it as a positive thing - otherwise this kind of thing will drive you batty and ime can make you feel bitter which can impact negatively on your work life.

If it were me I would ask my line manager how I could achieve what rhe ceo has suggested in order to drive your career forward - maybr they are looking for you to step up so your manager would be best placed to guide and support you.

There's no need to be rude Kestrel. Arriviste has spent a lot of time trying to help you.

FWIW I think CEO was trying to give you some constructive feedback as to how you can be even better at your job. Having said that, it's how it's made you feel that is important. If you feel that this is because you're gay then absolutely you need to take it further and speak to HR.

Could it be he has higher expectations of you, he sees more in you than the others? He also got some feedback from someone he knows and possibly trysts who could well have said you could have done more?

I know prissyenglisharriviste has spent a lot of time talking to me, which I appreciated, but has also spent a lot of time getting me wrong. The way I'm explaining it on here is fAR different than the way it is in the office.
I don't want people to think just because I'm talking freely here is how I act professionally. I skimmed over my own description at first because I didn't realise (I was wrong) how important it would be topically.

But I didn't expect to be insulted.

Just a simple YABU would have sufficed rather than a personl strikedown.

Wow. Can I just thread back to my own original thread. I did ask whether I was being unreasonable.

I was in that its NOTT homophobic

I was just in general as I over thought it.

I've never seen somebody shush somebody on mumsnet an get away with it.

Looks like your boss doesn't seem to share your opinion of how good you are and dished you up a dose of reality and you didn't like it.

Saying something racist and then saying it was a joke because your mates doesn't cut it.

Getting arsey and telling people to fuck of equally doesn't cut it either and kind of undermines your nice guy assertion.

Your complaint only seems to hold water if you cleverly wrap it with lots of alpha male this, boys club that, bullying the other etc.

Take all that away and it seems that your boss gave you a bollocking, something you yourself says is unusual so must have been warranted and it smarts.

Seems you posted to start and have a fight.

TheFallenNinja Omg who even sold you a keyboard, what utter bollocks dear.

These two lovely posters have given you about 90% more time and civility than you deserve tbh. You are coming across as rude, snippy and with a mahooosive chip on your exceedingly well turned out gay shoulder. Stop being professionally 'gay' and replace it with just being a PERSON like everyone else is. You're gay. So what? You sound like nothing more than bloody hard work I'm afraid.

MalcolmTuckersMum yes you're probably right. I have been fighting this case for a lot more hours than I thought it would be going on for.