Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DP to take the time off work he's been offered?

33 replies

InViennaWeWerePoetry · 07/06/2013 21:15

DP is currently working abroad. For a few weeks now we've known that there was a possibility we would be given custody of my friend's DD; this went ahead at the end of last week. I knew DD fairly well when she was younger but she doesn't remember me from then, and she hasn't met DP. She's been with me a few days now and is settling in well under the circumstances. When it became clear this arrangement would be going ahead, DP requested some time off work to come home and yesterday was offered 5 days off (a minor miracle given it's normally an absolute nightmare for him to negotiate time off).

He's now told me via text he won't be taking it after all, which means he won't be meeting DD properly- they've said hi to each other on skype a couple of times- until he's due back from working abroad at the end of August. We've recently relocated because of my work, which means I haven't got much in the way of support down here, family live 4 hours one way and friends 3 hours the other. I will cope and it will all be fine, it's more the fact that he could come back for a few days but he won't IYSWIM. AIBU to be fairly fed up with him?

OP posts:
SanityClause · 07/06/2013 21:19

Why has he decided not to come back?

It seems a bizarre decision to me.

And good luck with the little (?) girl! Flowers

Triumphoveradversity · 07/06/2013 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 07/06/2013 21:37

He's said in his text that it's too much hassle for the sake of 5 days- I've been trying to call him but conveniently he's not answering his phone Hmm

Should also mention that from July I will be working FT, but when DP is back from working abroad at the end of August he will most likely have about 3 months off. So the plan is that he will do the school run for the time he is off work to save DD being in after school care. So given he's going to be looking after her for a couple of hours each night when he comes home, it would have been nice for her to have a bit of a more gradual introduction period beforehand when both of us were off work.

OP posts:
GlitterFingers · 07/06/2013 21:38

Depends on the reason he hasn't come back? But no I don't think yabu to expect him to come home and support you and your new dd

GlitterFingers · 07/06/2013 21:39

Xpost too much hassle isn't a good enough reason

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 07/06/2013 21:43

YANBU.

Too much hassle is a really strange thing to say about something like this.

Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 07/06/2013 21:49

He is a 10 hour flight away in all fairness. I'm trying to justify it now. He was not forced into this arrangement, it was a decision we both came to together.

DD is 7 BTW.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfAllan · 07/06/2013 21:51

Yes, he is far away but it's not like he didn't know that when he booked the leave.

He is about to be a key figure to this girl, he needs to get on a plane even if he just vegs with her and some DVDs for a couple of jet lagged days.

Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 07/06/2013 22:27

Managed to speak to him. It would seem that I am the one BU to expect him to come home, because it's a long way for him to come for the sake of a few days, he's going to be tired and it seems like a lot of hassle for what it is both for him and for work Hmm He's rather put out that I feel so strongly about it.

OP posts:
iamadoozermum · 07/06/2013 22:46

He's looking at this the wrong way though, IMHO. It isn't about him, it is about helping to settle a young girl into her new family situation. Not coming back shows a lack of commitment and empathy. It's not about the time, but about what coming back represents to you and her and the new arrangements.

mumofweeboys · 07/06/2013 22:46

I can see both sides. It would be nice to have his support but he is essentially only going to be home for 3 days as having to fly for 10 hours which wouldnt be enough time to get to know her.

I would keep up with the skype even if he just has a short conversation with her about what she did at school. He could also write to her or send postcards about where.he is, his work so she can get to know him that way.

mumofweeboys · 07/06/2013 22:47

Encourage her to email him/write too about herself.

formicadinosaur · 07/06/2013 22:48

I think you should use the time to build your own relationship up whilst encouraging him to skype every other day or so.

Or could you fly up to see him July time for a long weekend?

maddening · 07/06/2013 22:48

Yanbu - a lot of hassle for a quick holiday for his own benefit but this isn't a jolly and it isn't for his benefit -it is for dd's benefit - and is the kind of thing you do when you become a parent - it sometimes requires selflessness - as much as it enriches your life - it isn't always about what is easiest and most fun for you.

He should do this journey because he needs to meet a little girl who has just become a big part of his life - it will show her that she is important and that he welcomes her in to his family.

formicadinosaur · 07/06/2013 22:50

Or what about some kind of online or mobile game they could start beween themselves just to feel some kind of connection

Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 07/06/2013 23:06

The difficulty with going out there to see DP is that I'm back working FT from mid July, can't negotiate time off as I've just had 3 months off. So the options are DP comes over for a few days now or we leave it until he finishes his current contract at the end of August- not ideal but there isn't a way around it. Which is why some support now would be nice.

The postcards and the games are good ideas though, thanks- will try and find something they could do tomorrow.

I'm starting to feel guilty now for bringing him into this- he did agree to it, he was given a choice and a few weeks ago he was looking forward to it. It's also worth pointing out that he's used to working abroad for a week, coming home and going straight back to work here, so he's not unused to short trips over a long distance if that makes sense.

OP posts:
UserError · 07/06/2013 23:10

I agree with those who've said it's not about him - it isn't. This is the start of this little girl being welcomed into your family. You won't get this again. It's not like she's a newborn who won't remember. This has got the potential to send the message to her that she just isn't that important to 'Daddy'. She's bound to be nervous about everything anyway and having your DH there at the start could potentially alleviate months of her worrying about what he'll be like.

Ok, yes, he'll have to go back almost straight away but at least then he'll have met her, she'll have met him and he'll exist as a real person in her mind that she can write to/Skype and look forward to him coming home.

It's really, really not about him and slightly worrying that he can't see this.

Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 07/06/2013 23:39

Thanks usererror I'm slightly worried about his attitude too Hmm Possibly a case of getting cold feet maybe, I don't know. Going to try and talk to him tomorrow when he's had a chance to cool off, no way I'm going to get any sense out of him now.

OP posts:
UserError · 08/06/2013 00:19

I hope I didn't upset you with my comment, I'm not very good at interpreting the frowny face smily! Thanks

Do you think maybe he's burying his head in the sand over it all? I mean, it was all abstract before and now it's real and really happening and happening NOW and he's just having a bit of a wibble. Maybe he's playing it down in his head and minimising it with weird logic - if it's too much of a hassle for him to be there, it's not that important. Or maybe he's just failed to engage his brain.

Either way, I think you're amazing for doing this and I really hope you can talk properly with your DH about it and explain why you think it's important for him to be there.

UserError · 08/06/2013 00:21

Also, it's not my story to tell so I'm being scanty on the details, but I know someone who adopted two family members and their partner had a massive wibble/disengaged their brain in the beginning. Have you spoken to anyone else in a similar situation?

NatashaBee · 08/06/2013 00:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 08/06/2013 01:05

Ah no sorry usererror, the frowny face is at DP, not you! I'm not sure I'm very good at using it either! Not directed at you at all, don't worry.

I think didn't think he was getting cold feet before, now I do. We haven't been properly living together very long and a lot of our relationship has been spent at opposite ends of the country/different countries, so I do wonder now if he feels like it's all moving too fast. That said, he didn't have to go along with this, I gave him the option. He could have said he wasn't comfortable with it and would live somewhere else when he was at home at least at first, but he didn't.

I actually have a friend who was adopted by grandparents around DD's age who has been brilliant, we're trying to work out a date for her to come down for the weekend. Different circumstances but similar enough for her to be really helpful IYSWIM. I would imagine it isn't unusual for DPs to get cold feet in this sort of situation, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating! I'm tempted to let him phone me tomorrow and take it from there.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 08/06/2013 01:11

A ten hour flight will leave me floored for at least 3 or 4 days each way. I suffer really horrendous jet lag.

Cut him a bit of slack maybe because he may just think it is not going to be beneficial for someone who feels spaced out and not with it, to meet her for the first time like that.

SuperConfused · 08/06/2013 09:58

I think he is being massively unreasonable. I travel a lot for work, I once went to the Philippines for 5 days for a conference and with connections that involved nearly 24 hours travel each way. I also suffer jet lag. If I'd do it for work - and I suspect your husband would, if we're honest- then of course I'd do it to welcome a new child into my family. My understanding is if it were a formal adoption you'd both get aroun six m

SuperConfused · 08/06/2013 09:59

Onths off, for the reason that the new child needs to know her re carers. I appreciate this may not be permanent, but at seven this is such a big upheaval I think it's the least he could do.