To expect DP to take the time off work he's been offered?

[InViennaWeWerePoetry]

DP is currently working abroad. For a few weeks now we've known that there was a possibility we would be given custody of my friend's DD; this went ahead at the end of last week. I knew DD fairly well when she was younger but she doesn't remember me from then, and she hasn't met DP. She's been with me a few days now and is settling in well under the circumstances. When it became clear this arrangement would be going ahead, DP requested some time off work to come home and yesterday was offered 5 days off (a minor miracle given it's normally an absolute nightmare for him to negotiate time off).

He's now told me via text he won't be taking it after all, which means he won't be meeting DD properly- they've said hi to each other on skype a couple of times- until he's due back from working abroad at the end of August. We've recently relocated because of my work, which means I haven't got much in the way of support down here, family live 4 hours one way and friends 3 hours the other. I will cope and it will all be fine, it's more the fact that he could come back for a few days but he won't IYSWIM. AIBU to be fairly fed up with him?

Far more detail is needed here.

What are the exact cirucumstances of your friend's dd coming into your care? You say you've known for weeks it could happen, that's not that long for a situation so life-changing. Has a tragedy or illness precipitated this happening (my truly deepest sympathies if so)? If yes, was there a prior agreement in place that you and the dp would take the child in in the event of something like this occurring? Or has he been asked to take in the child of your friend as a result of a sudden, unexpected occurence, and perhaps pressured by a tragic situation and/or your desire to take in the girl into making a massive commitment he's not really comfortable with?

His not wanting to be there now suggests he doesn't really want this to be happening. Did he make the decision to adopt her entirely freely? I can't see why he would say yes, and say yes because he truly wanted to make this girl his daughter, if he doesn't want to be there right now.

Is/was your dd's biological mother his friend too? That you imply he's never met the child before suggests not.

If all this the case (and I'm extrapolating from limited information) then you need to cut the guy a LOT more slack for agreeing to parent your friend's child, upon YOUR wishes.That he's reluctant to come home now suggests that it is not something he wants anywhere near as much as you. He is hugely sacrificing to agree to this at all, and I hope you haven't pressured him into feeling obliged to do it, and that you're aware of how much you're imposing on him here.

Hand on heart, do you think he's happy about it all? He's already relocated purely for the sake of your career recently (though you clearly feel that it is you the move has been harder upon, and that he should make an extra effort to oblige you as a result). Is it all that important to you how he feels really?

If I have the situation completely wrong and in reality he has been massively enthusiastic about taking the girl in up until this point and is suddenly abandoning you now that it's become real, then I apologise so much for being rude above, and I'm a twat, and YANBU at all. But forced to draw my own conclusions from limited info,this is how it reads to me. You need to clarify these things before anyone here can give you a worthwhile opinion. You are very vague on the crucial details.

Wish all 3 of you the best in what must be a very hard time in all your lives.

On the info given, I think it's terribly selfish of him tbh.

Calling someone who has agreed to commit his life (once the OP goes back to work) towards a child that he has no obligation, filial or sentimental, towards. that he's never even MET, "terribly selfish" is just...

Gobsmacking.

I really can't disclose the exact circumstances of DD coming into my care, it will blow any anonymity out of the window. I will say it's a private fostering arrangement, it's delicate, and I am the one with custody, not DP. However, given we've been together 3 years and so this would have undoubtedly had an impact on his life one way or another if it went ahead, we discussed it together. He insisted he wanted to be involved and was enthusiastic at the prospect of becoming a father figure. At no point was he pushed into this- I offered to move out if he didn't want to be involved so closely, he insisted he did. He's known from the beginning that I would be entering into a private fostering arrangement initially and progressing to special guardianship/ adoption long term, so it's always been clear where this is going.

It's not as simple as he relocated for the sake of my career- we both used to live in London (albeit separately), the whole time we've been together he's been working for periods of a few months at a time abroad then coming back to the UK in his periods off. I then got a job elsewhere in the UK, so moved up there. We then discussed moving in together, by which point I was living where I do now, so if he was going to move in with me when he's not abroad it would have to be here rather than in London IYSWIM. I did NOT push him into moving in together, he was actually the one who brought it up. The fact is that he insisted he wanted to be involved and would be supporting me in this, yet suddenly seems to have had a change of heart. If he doesn't want to be involved, then I'd rather DD knows whether he's going to be someone who lives with her or someone she sees from time to time sooner rather than later, especially given the circumstances.

My plan to speak to him today has failed, I've got his voicemail every time I've tried calling him and had a text saying he 'needs time to think things through.' So I'll take that as a definitely not coming

Oh, Vienna, I'm sorry that you haven't been able to talk

So the situation was made very clear to him, the emergency exits clearly pointed out, and he still reacted by telling you how much he wanted to be like a father to her and rejoicing?

Ah, that awkward moment when you realise you've been sticking up for really is a complete dickhead.

Really sorry for my post, I had it wrong entirely. I presumed you were sparse on the details because they reflected badly on you. I didn't think about the anonymity angle. Bit ashamed.

He may yet step up to the plate. It's disappointing to say the least that he hasn't come home (and refusing to talk to you now really compounds it) but it's fixable, and the test will be if he fulfils his commitments childcare-wise once you're back at work. Once he's spent time with your dd and properly feels like a dad he'll find prioritising her a lot more automatic in the future.

Good luck :)

Any update on this? I hope you managed to have a chat with him.

Thanks usererror- he's not taking the time off but we have resolved our differences and he's agreed to spend as much of his eventual time off doing family stuff as possible. Even if he were to change his mind now and decide he get want time off he's left it too late for it to be arranged, so it's definitely going to be end of August before he comes over. He's sent DD a postcard though and we're going on the hunt for one of where we live to send to him this weekend- I'm hoping I can kill to birds with one stone there as DD could really do with the extra writing practice So not the best possible solution, but I'd say it has worked out OK. Thanks everyone for your support on this thread.