Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to expect H to eat his evening meal while its still hot?

67 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 07/06/2013 21:13

This evening, as an example, i had cooked for him pork chop, new potatos, carrots and green beans. He was on the phone to his mum. I had salad as didn't get chance to eat it for lunch at work today so cooked specifucally for him. Went through from kitchen with my meal. Ate it. Took plate to kitchen. Came back. Still on phone to his mum. 10mins later got off phone. Started looking on internet. Couple more minutes 'is my dinner ready dear' yes it is. 5 more minutes and i tell him it will be cold. Eventually he goes and gets his meal and eats it cold. This happens ALOT. Quite often i will be in the kitchen cooking, he will stand and talk at me about what a crap day at works hes had (another story) i will say 'dinner at 7.45.....dinner in 10 mins.....5 mins....i'm dishing up. At which stage he goes upstairs and spends 10 mins getting changed and having a wash. By which time i've eaten alone. Is it me?? In my family as a child, when dinner was ready yiu bloody well went and ate it, immediately! Its rude to do itherwise. However i know my mum thinks a lot of things are rude that other people don't.

OP posts:

FantasticMax · 07/06/2013 21:52

I would be livid, DH does this sometimes and I always make it known how rude I find it. However, would never cook
DH dinner unless I was having the same thing, that bit seems weird. He should sort himself out.

FWIW, DH does more of the cooking than
I do. He didn't actually take an interest in cooking till we got together, prior to that he was very much a "bung a chicken kiev in the oven" type of guy. Buy your DP a cookbook and tell him to give it a go!

FredFredGeorge · 07/06/2013 21:52

Well, as you were happy to eat your dinner without him, then he was not being unreasonable to delay eating it until it was convenient so YABU about this evenings meal - especially as he was more than happy to eat it cold.

But in general it's pretty rude not to eat together when you have the opportunity, so in the general case YANBU.

And how to get a partner to cook - say, it's your turn...

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/06/2013 21:54

You need to stop mothering him.

How can you bear to have sex with someone who can't even look after themselves? He is like a child. You make his packed lunch for him????????

Fakebook · 07/06/2013 21:54

How rude! When I cook my dh comes and helps finish off making stuff so we all eat together. Same when dh cooks, I'll help plate up or make a side salad or something.

No one eats alone. No one eats cold food.

You need to have some serious words.

VinegarDrinker · 07/06/2013 21:57

Totally agree with Ali

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 07/06/2013 22:07

I'm not happy to eat alone but on most occasions we have the same and i don't want my meal to go cold. On this occasion, having not had lunch, i was pretty much starving by 8pm.

Yes i make packed lunch for both of us most days. Honestly, when we first moved in together, he didn't know how to work the washing machine, the bloody toaster (do i just put the bread in it?) or grill things in the top oven/grill (gas mark 3oven, door open as if using grill, ate pretty much raw meat....) so like i said we are making some progress but i think i do need to have seriouswords

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 07/06/2013 22:18

When I was working ft and STBX was the SAHP I still cooked about 95% of the time because for me, cooking is a nice relaxing activity so that was my wind down. I put the radio on, the kids know to stay out when I am cooking and I get half an hour to myself at the end of the day. The days I didnt cook, we had takeaway. So I would probably cook in the OPs position.

But asking where his dinner is (which pisses me off anyway, it'll be ready when its ready, constantly asking wont make the potatoes cook quicker!) when it has been sitting on the plate for half an hour would drive me mad! Apart from anything else, I know it will taste delicious when freshly served, but utterly revolting when cold and congealed, its an insult to my cooking!

I think I would say that as he obviously doesnt want to eat at the same time as you, you will cook your own meal when you are ready and he can sort himself out. See how long it lasts before he is suddenly ready to eat a meal with you, especially if you create some gastro feasts for yourself and he left with microwave lasagne!

Bogeyface · 07/06/2013 22:22

Wow! Forget being pissed off with him, give his mother a bloody good slap! To be fair to him, why would he know how a toaster works if his mother always made it for him, who would cook,clean or whatever if some other silly bugger is prepared to do it for them? I wouldnt!

I think a serious but kind conversation along the lines of "real men can look after themselves, real men can look after their wives/children just aswell as women can, I really fancy "real men"" :o

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 07/06/2013 22:26

Gastrofeasts! I'd be having a bowl of cereal or jacket spud! can't be bothered to cook for myself mostly. This is the issue - i do like cooking and do make an effort. Tonight was a 'quick' dinner. (i say that because to many people i know pork chop pots and veg is comsidered an effort....) but it happens regardless of whay i put on the plate - microwave curry or the results of two hours in the kitchen.

So i do like to cook but if it was just me i would rarely bother. It annoys me to take 30 - 60 minutes out of my eveing for him to leave it to go cold. I don't care if he is happy eating cold food. It pisses me off!

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 07/06/2013 22:27

Indeed bogetface. Bless he would probably be taken in by it too. We don't currently have children but this is one thing i do not want future children to pick up from him. I guess i need to get him trained before we have any children!

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 07/06/2013 22:30

So dont cook for him. Just dont do it.

Why do women think its ok to bring up useless sons? I would be fucking embarrassed if either of my sons where that gormless! My eldest is disabled, he has Cerebal Palsy which means his left hand and arm are pretty much out of the equation. He cant weight bear and has little control.

He is currently job seeking (see "disabled" ) and makes dinner for his GF most nights. He gets extremely pissed off if he needs help. We are not talking Michelin starred food, chicken and chips, ovened fish, pasta and a simple sauce.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 07/06/2013 22:35

I know. My brother has learning difficulties and lives alone and cooks. Also preps the sunday lunch for mum every week. I am just perpetuating the damage done by his parents - dad included as he is perfectly able to cook and does. My colleagues are amazed that i'm such a pushover at home.

OP posts:

formicadinosaur · 07/06/2013 22:35

My DH is an awful cook. HOWEVER if I buy the ingredients and hand him even a recipe, he can follow it with ease.

Tell him you want to have meal times together and that you can't see the point of cooking for him if he isn't going to sit down with you. He could just get his own dinner if he wants it later.

We always sit down and eat together. It's social and a really important part of family life. We chat about lots of things and enjoy the food.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 07/06/2013 22:37

Run. Run for the hills. Don't look back.

Never ever take on the responsibility of teaching an ADULT things that adults should (a) already know and (b) should be motivated to learn for themselves.

Seriously, run.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 07/06/2013 22:37

Saying that i suppose my parents can take some credit - dad a builder, does man stuff. Mum worked sometimes (a lot at times) and not others, does 'mum' stuff. If mum was at work she left me and brother to do cooking (me) and cleaning (both of us) but not dad.

OP posts:

formicadinosaur · 07/06/2013 22:39

Take turns cooking? Maybe you could do 5 nights and he could do 2 to start with. Ask him to cook from recipes and not ready made. If he was to understand the effort and time put into preparing a proper meal, he might understand the need to share it together. But seriously don't cook for him if he can't give you his time.

Startail · 07/06/2013 22:40

YANBU
DH is not allowed to wander off when food is cooked.

My DDad never came in when he was called it drove me mental as it was always me who got sent to fetch him.

I never understood why DM didn't go on strike, My dad hasn't a clue how to cook, he would have got very hungry.

It's always puzzled me, because it was so disrespectful and my parents relationship, in every other respect absolutely isn't. DDad loves DM to the moon and back and would do anything for her and would be the first to canola he her cooking is excellent!

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 07/06/2013 22:41

Run? We have rectly got married and bought a house together three yrs ago. I'm not running! I just need to 'man up' a bit about telling him that this stuff annoys me. Oh yeah .....he has also started doing the shopping! He is actually rather good at it (and pays...)

OP posts:

Startail · 07/06/2013 22:42

??? Excellent in the typing.

Bogeyface · 07/06/2013 22:42

Actually, you do need to sort this out pre-kids because this will pervade every area of your life.

My STBX did more night feeds than me (he is a lighter sleeper and I had to take sleeping tablets), made up bottles, changed nappies, bathed them, took them out, played with them, took them for jabs etc We did 50/50. There are, every single week, threads on MN about useless me who do feck all for their children or home, literally NOTHING.

Stop being a walkover. Dont ask, dont tell, just assume.

Not "would you please do the washing" not "Do the washing you lazy fecker" but "The washing needs putting on and the bathroom needs cleaning, do you have a preference?"

If he makes a deliberate fuck up of it say "I hate cleaning the toilet too! I find that putting the bleach in while I wipe the sink makes it a quicker job"

Sorry, but this requires training and if you want to stay with him then thats what you will have to do!

Bogeyface · 07/06/2013 22:44

FFS......are you about to tell me that you dont have joint finances....? Please dont tell me that, I may boil over with righteous indignation! :o

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 07/06/2013 22:46

There is manning up to be done, but not by you.

Seriously, three years of looking after a man child and only now you're getting a bit grumpy about his lack of appreciation of your cooking?

You are a far more patient woman than I.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 07/06/2013 22:46

The 5/2 idea sounds a good one and i think i will try it. I know i shouldn't have to teach him but to be fair my mum taught me. His didn't so he needs to learn somehow.

Startail - thank you for your comment. I realise things like this sound bad written down, esp the 'is my dinner ready' comment. I am crap at saying stuff to him so it has gone on and on with me silently seething. But in most other ways he is fantastic.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 07/06/2013 22:52

Teaching him is fine. STBX couldnt cook when we got together as he worked crap shifts and generally ate microwave stuff and takeaways. So I bought him a cook book and he learned. As you say, he has to learn somehow!

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 07/06/2013 22:55

Finances - we each pay the same into the joint account for mortgage, bills etc. To start with i was earning considerably more and would pay for heating oil, shopping (anything that wasn't mortgage, council tax, water, electric, his car) i have not had a pay rise in five yrs (work for local government.....) and the cost of my very ancient horse has gone up. He had a crap job and literally no spare mobey after the joint contribution car costs etc he has a better job so i have said that we need to share food shopping and he can pay for the heating oil.

I am not only just getting grumpy - i've grumped about it all along!

He wouldn't intentionalky fuck the cooking up. I just need to tell him. I guess i just whinged at his mum one day and she said 'oh yes he was always like that' and i just had to ask if iwbu. Although when we go to my mums for dinner i don't let him do it....

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3