Aibu to feel ashamed of my brother and wish my mum would stop excusing him.

[DizzyZebra]

To cut a long story short my nephew was born 4 weeks ago, fairly traumatic birth, ending in an emergency section.

My 'lovely' brother bugger off the next day, and slept with another woman. He brazenly went back to his baby's mum B covered in 'love bites'.

She forgave him after a week of him piss arising around and acting in an utterly shameful manner.

This week, he decided to leave again. He said he wants his mates, doesn't want a family and be was forced here (2 hours from where we are all originally from).

This is bull. He planned the baby with her (he told me himself, and I told him he was an idiot, b was 16, he 21. His ex and mother to his first child was 15 when they planned a baby...). It was his idea for them to move here - He emotionally blackmailed B in to this. No one forced him - quite the opposite!

Anyway, he's moved in with this woman apparently (she has a kid too). After threatening various people leading to half the town gossiping because of the public spectacle he has made - he decided people must be gossiping because of me and B and threatened us both (I am pregnant too!). I am disgusted with his behaviour to his own family, children and the mother of his child. I could not be more ashamed. I'm fed up of him making us all look like something off Jeremy kyle.

I've also discovered he's been stealing from my house (I went over to help B and found things he swore he hasn't taken).

Now, my mum. I wish shed shut up about it. I'm fucking upset. I'm upset at forgiving him yet again for him to turn around and threaten me, I'm ashamed of his behaviour, the way he's treated that poor girl, apparently he's been violent too (doesn't surprise me).

But she makes excuses and goes on 'I don't want people threatening him ' -erm hold on he's the one doing the threatening. 'Why is his ex L involved she should keep her nose out' - ERM, maybe if he hasn't rang her at gone 11 telling her everything and threatening her she would have no reason to say anything.. 'Ah well he found a video of her doing such and such and getting his daughter to say bad words' '- yeah he knew about it ages ago its a year old he told me about it. 'She knows if she winds him up he'll lash out' - oh that makes it OK.

My favourite - 'I won't be happy if you report him to the police he's on a suspended sentence its not fair on me' - he shouldn't break the fucking law then! Sorry! Should Fred west have been let off as well in case his mum was upset?
I'm meant to take threats off him yeah? A man whose beaten the shit out of me several times for no reason, and attacked me when I was pregnant before? Attacked numerous women?

'People need to ignore him' - no, people should not have to walk around pretending they're not hearing the vile abuse he spouts.

I could go on I really could. Its depressing me. I feel like running far away so I'm not near any of them. The only person I care about in this mess is B and her son, and my brothers eldest child. My brother plays the victim and she buys it - I can guarantee his next move - he'll threaten someone bigger and harder, get a smack in the mouth and my mum will be blaming every fucker else.

Aibu? Sorry its long. I'm just fed up they're draining me.

Your brother sounds like a total shit. And your mother sounds ridiculous. Distance yourself from them both.

I'm feeling very sorry for the new mum in this scenario.

Yabu for staying involved in the drama.

Pull away and let them get on with their own pathetic lives.

You're pregnant and would be stupid to stick around with it all going on..

How old was your brother when his ex was 15??

Sir boob - My sympathies lie totally with B (new mum). I fetched her over to my house when he left - he didn't even tell her he was going again, just walked out while she was on the phone!
Poor thing was distraught.

Humpty - I've blocked my brother. He's buggered off 97 miles away, I've been focussing on helping B, I'm just sick of my mum bringing it up solely to make excuses. I love her and she does do a lot but I just don't want to hear it. I want b and my nephew to be secure and happy and putting this on me I feel is hindering my ability to be productive for them.

My niece is 3 so he would have been 18 when they had her - he's always maintained he thought she was on contraception but how true that is who knows?

I don't think I can forgive him this time, I've forgiven a lot has done without question - I really thought he'd changed when he and B moved in together.

I told him how upset I was and how much he's hurt us and he responded with 'I'll fucking batter you'. So I told him that's fine and any more threats I'll go to the police and blocked him. I won't engage behaviour like that.

Regardless of contraception he shouldn't of been seeing or having sex with a 15 year old.

Your mum turning the other cheek to that alone would in my opinion not want any of them to be anywhere near your children.

You need to find your own support network, change your number delete facebook and have a relationship with your nephew & niece and that be the end of it.

Do you have a partner for support?

oh dizzy. at least someone in you family has got some sense. YOU. rant away. you could also pop over to relationships and get some good advice. well done for looking after b too.

Humpty - at that time my brother lived with my dad, not my mum. They lied about her age - only I knew how old she was initially.

Yeah my partner is angry at the threats and stealing and is pretty disgusted with his behaviour in general and has also been supportive of B.

Thanks Susan, its just getting me down, I feel like my mum just dismisses me too when it comes to this shit. If I said or did half the stuff he does shed disown me - she screamed at me for confronting my own ex about his shitty treatment of me - I was embarrassing her apparently and obviously wanted my ex back?

I think I'm just going to keep quiet and not mention it and have a week to myself completely, I've been on the verge of tears since I saw her earlier out of sheer frustration at her excuse making

I'd think about cutting your mum off too. It would upset her if he was reported to the police? Did it not upset her when you were beaten up by him?

A mother who favours her violent son or partner over the safety and happiness of you, her daughter, is not a positive presence in your life.

that should be your ex partner, not her partner (though I imagine she does/would do that too)

Sounds like your brother sees treating people like shit only for them to excuse his bollocks (your mum and B) as a reflection of what a fantastic person he must be for them to keep coming back.

Distance yourself in your head so you refuse to allow him to wind you up (you can only be angry if you give a fuck about him), cool and calm, and then you can look on it from the outside and not get so involved.

Try to keep lines open with B though, even if you think she's making the wrong decisions, you could be invaluable support for her, and you want to keep seeing your lovely DN.

What would your brother do to your mum if she didn't back him up?

Is she actually a victim herself and being manipulated by him into feeling she has to or she'll be for the high jump?

Or she could be seeing herself as his only ally in his off the rails world, and the only one who can bring him back on track given time?

I know I wouldn't give up on either of my DDs if they went through a bad patch when they were young, but I hope I'd be realistic and not think the sun shone out of their bums regardless. But privately admitting it to yourself (given she may feel partly responsible for his behaviour) and publically letting on to other people how you feel, are two totally different things.

Good point agent

Your brother sounds like a nasty violent thug.
Did you report him to the police when he beat you up when pregnant?
he needs imprisoning until he's too old a frail to be a danger any more.

He has attacked numerous women
He's a thief
He's unfaithful (unfortunately not against the law)
He also seems to be a pathetic bully, threatening and sleeping with people who are much younger or otherwise vulnerable and presumably weaker than him.
Why is he still on the streets?

Agent - the second one. That. Its not like she favours him, more like she thinks he needs her more to behave etc. Its strange.

Waffle - it upset her the time he kicked me so hard in the stomach I bled for weeks(vaginally). When I was pregnant I can't remember if I even told her, I went to a women's hostel.

Stealth - because no one seems to take it seriously. I really thought he'd changed. He seemed to calm right down when he moved in with b until the end of her pregnancy when he started being like this again.

It upsets me that I don't think he'll ever change. I had a good cry about everything, just having cuddles with dd and going to town in a little while for some shopping.

This man is extremely abusive.

Family members (particularly parents) turn the other cheek because they're in denial their son is a monster.

He needs to be off the streets. He kicked you so hard in the stomach you bleed vaginally?! Holy FUCK.

Agree- w-aaay beyond AIBU, poor you OP, he is a violent thug. You should have nothing to do with him. Your mother has issues, clearly.

Personally I would concentrate on my nephew and niece and my own little family and leave your mum and your brother to ruin their own lives.

Sounds horrible op - but next time anything happens I would be reporting to the police and set out all the previous violence and threats.
Your brother sounds vile and seems to think he is beyond reproach.
Good luck

Poor thing op- I agree about reporting it ( kicking you when pregnant so you bled ).

Actually I disagree for waiting for a next time. Report him, you'll have doctor's reports to back you up.

If nothing else, it will mean the cops will keep a serious eye on baby mum B and DC.

Many of my mates are cops. For all the bad press they get it's a lot like a prison hierarchy (ironically) Attacking a pregnant woman? Not on. He'll be at the bottom of their food chain.

You can make your choices whether to see him or not. But you cannot make your mothers choices for her - which is what your OP was originally about. Mother/Son bond, a very difficult one to break. It takes a very hard mother to disassociate from her children no matter their 'crimes'

It takes a very strong mother to see what their child is and get them the help they need, even against their will, be it rehab, prison etc.

That's a hard mother.

Oh, and this mother isn't protecting her daughter or her grandbabies. So she's pretty much just a cow.

Is moving away an option? Do you have supportive family/friends in another area?

Could you suggest to B that you both think about making a clean break and getting yourselves and your children away from this vile man and his apologist of a mother?

And yes, report him. If it's a pattern of behaviour, they might well be able to charge him with harassment, as well as any new individual incidents.

Should be in fucking prison. Loathesome.