My mum has cancer; AIBU in dealing with self centered twunts?

[AaDB]

We found out recently that my mum has cancer and operations and treatments are happening really fast. Times like these bring out the best and worst in people. AIBU in dealing with the following behaviour:

My DM did not want to tell anyone. My DF didn't agree and has told her siblings , one of whom keeps visiting and crying.

A family friend is calling her and seems to be asking for details. Knowing them, I presume this is for gossip fodder. They have called three times and have been informed by her each time that she doesn't want to go into details.

I think her wishes are the most important right now and can't understand why others are acting like this is happening to them. MY DM isn't very good at dealing with conflict and has asked me to intervene. I'm going to call later and tell them to back off. I can be too blunt but think this situation calls for that approach. AIBU?

YANBU at all

Not unreasonable at all, this is about your mum, not then, and if its going to take being blunt to get what she wants then be blunt!
I hope your mum has a speedy recovery btw

YANBU. Be as blunt as you want, thats what she wants you do do. for you and your Mum.

Of course YANBU.

Sorry that this is happening, but yes your DM deserves to have her wishes and feelings respected. So I agree you should be blunt, tell them to back off a bit.

YANBU. But I suspect your mum won't want you to alienate anyone either - probably why she wanted to keep it quiet for now. Go as gently as you can, and best wishes to you and your mum. It's a tough road to be on.

YANBU. Just tell them to back off. Your DM needs time to get her head around things and deal with it in her own way. With things moving so fast as you say, it's a lot to take in.

Too late to keep things quiet; it is now common knowledge. There is no putting that shit back in the horse. I'm not worried about keeping the peace or alienation. My siblings are more diplomatic and so I assume she is asking me because I am direct?

I am furious that these people (including my dad) are putting themselves first. I can understand siblings and friends being upset. I cannot understand; not abiding by her wishes; weeping/wailing and inquisition. I intend hope to state the obvious without opening a can of whoop ass.

Why do people act this way? I'm truly baffled.

We aren't particularly close but I think the only thing to do it to put her first. I am sad that this is the case but it won't change.

Why do people act this way? I'm truly baffled.

They panic, they listen but don't hear and then they react how they think they would react in the sick person's (in this case your mum's) place (so they did for details because they think they'd tell everyone or tell people because they need to tall things through to cope) or alternatively they just don't think (they just react).

I can only understand up to a point. Breast cancer especially, can make woman think about their own health

I can't understand why you would bother the person with cancer with your emotional garbage as soon as they get out of hospital.

AaDB

What you know and what you can understand are often 2 different things - especially in a situation like this. They're probably doing ti for 1 of 2 reasons:

1. They're self-centred, narcissistic jerks
2. They think they're expressing how much they care/how concerned they are.

You will likely never fully understand it, especially if you deal with situations very differently.

Oh, and I hope your mother recovers well - she's lucky to have a DD who will stand up for her when she needs it.

YADNBU.....

for your DM.....and for you too AaDB

Take the best of care.

Personally I wouldn't give a crap about offending anyone else-unless they are willing to be helpful, positive and supportive, they can fuck off a very far fucking way!!

I've been in your position OP, far more times than I care to remember over the last 3 years. My family call of The Rottweiler, because I'm the one who steps up and bars all the whingers and wailers from taking centre stage.

From my own experience, your mum needs to tell her mate that she doesn't have the energy to speak to her right now, but that she can get all updates from you. I can guarantee that her friend won't get very far with you. Her sibling, same thing, but in a more diplomatic way-mum finds it very difficult to see you upset, please try your hardest to be positive next time you see her.(unless your not fond of her, then feel free to tell them to feck right off)

Dubs, I'm coming from a place that doesn't give a shit about their feelings. How dare they act this way. I appreciate the suggestions.

Andro, I think it's number 1; they are emotional vampires, keen to insert themselves into the centre of drama. That remains baffling. There is enough bad news to go around. I'm not sure why you need to leech off a situation and thereby make it worse.

It didn't happen when my Dad had a heart attack and bypass. Maybe it's a cancer thing?

all. I'm still but will have a think about what you have said.

AaDB I am so sorry to hear about your mum, to both of you.

I agree with you that they are self-centred, and yes cancer does bring out the worst in some people. When I was diagnosed 2 years ago (in remission now) two family members would ring me to speculate as to what might have caused my cancer, it drove me nuts - how was that supposed to help me? They also called me to cry down the phone at me, as if my cancer was worse for them - what would happen if I died etc!

I'm afraid you are doing the right thing - fuck their feelings and look after your lovely mum. I wish you both all the best for her recovery.

Oh sorry I got so cross for you I forgot to say YADNBU

And I would tell them straight not to cry in front of your mum. I told my relatives they were not allowed to cry in front of me - anyone wanting to sniffle/wail had to go elsewhere.

When you are dealing with all the scary and horrible cancer treatments the last thing you need is other people making you feel bad for their feelings.

I'll get my coat now.

Ok op you are obviously angry too. Probably not just about the way these people are acting but about the diagnosis too so you also need to stop, deep breath.

Your father shouldn't have acted like that against your mums wishes but too late now.

Act like a gate keeper. Field her calls so have her mobile.

Tell the friend that there are no details yet as tests are still being done. Tell her sibling that her years are upsetting your dm and if she can't control herself then stop calling.

If you are staying with her don't let unwanted visitors in.

If she is in hospital only tell those people she wants to visit her.

Sit your dad down and explain this, he's probably shit scared so will need lots if support.

There has to be a strong one in any awful situation and its you op.

Well done and take care of yourself.

Svetlana thanks so much for your point of view. I'm that people on the periphery are putting themselves first but I see it isn't unusual. Glad to hear you are in remission .

My GM and GGM both died young of breast cancer. That doesn't mean my dm will. These vultures can give her a few weeks to put herself first before they ask questions+seek advice for themselves.

My uncle had been on the phone to my Dad (his bil) complaining that they should have been told before now. These are my dm's in laws and only see each other at weddings and funerals. My cousin has said she is finding me 'difficult to deal' with and she 'just need to know where she stands'. She can stand in the waiting room of her own gp to voice her concerns and cry. They can both fottfsofoawtgtfosm.

I'm more than angry, I'm furious. It may be about coming to terms with things. I think it is general disgust at how selfish some people are. They are making a difficult situation worse.

I got angry too, especially the last bout of health scare's-my dad spent 9 weeks in intensive care, and some of the inlaws thought they should be the first to speak to his doctors, one even lied and claimed to be my mum when phoning, resulting in the medical team being peeved with us, and not relaying info because they didn't know which way was up. In the end, only one nurse was allowed to speak to my mother on the phone, and she would let me and my siblings know what was happening. I was staying in the house to support her, so I was the one to answer the landline, and field calls.

We have a family member we like to call 'The Angel Of Death' (can you tell my family like nicknaming??) she only turns up when there's a serious health scare, and makes it all about her. She seems to thrive on the drama of it all, and making herself seem indispensable, when all she really does is suck the light from the room and irritate everyone. The best thing you can do is make a huge laugh out of it all, getting angry is good short term, but it can consume you too. When your mother has digested her diagnoses better, try humour as a way to diffuse the situation. It certainly helped us.

My dads behaviour was shocking when my dm was dx, he lost all brain control at times it was harder dealing with him, it was sad as it took this for him to realise just who was the stronger emotional partner in the marriage. My db wrote a note and photocopied and texted people Dm wishes, thanking them but very firmly stating we would inform them of all updates. Thought are with you all.

I have no advice, but feel for you and I am going through this with my older sis. I wish your DM and yourself all the best.

Ring theory

I think this is a good article. Print and give to them

I am sorry to hear about your Mothers diagnosis. This will undoubtably be a difficult time for you and your extended family. Try to remember that she is your Mum but she is also their sister/ daughter/ wife.

Devils advocate point of view here.

On one hand your mother has an absolute right to confidentiality however it is entirely possible that her wishes in this regard are depriving your Father of the support that he needs at this time.

This may have been why he chose to tell people.

My mother was the same. We respected her wishes for many years but in the final 6 months my Dad, siblings and I needed as much support as we could get so we told people and started asking for help - groceries/ meals/ finding a cleaner etc. . She was ill for almost 20 years, my Dad cared for her at home for 10, she was virtually housebound for 3 years and for some (close) friends this was the first they "officially" knew.

You will never understand families. I have always had a good relationship with my cousins (who now live away) yet since my Mother died in January neither of them have been in touch to find out how we are. In the run up to my Mother's death they were useless. The final events of 2012 kind of sum this up - my Mother took ill (again) on New years eve, my Dad had an "this might be it" chat with the medical staff when he was in visiting and once again discussed her DNAR/ Not for ITU status. He then passed this information on to close family by a combination of phonecalls/ e.mails.

My last conversation of 2012 (coincidentally I was ill in bed and had been for 5 days with a chest infection) was with my brother deciding which of us would drive to the hospital if we got phoned in overnight as Ma was dying.

I was therefore decidedly unhappy to get an e.mail from my cousin the next morning (she knew I was ill and had received the same e.mail we had from my Dad the previous night) asking if I'd had a fabulous New Year, she had had a party - it had been great and containing 10million photographs of her children.

Insensitive doesn't even really cover it. So basically do what works for you. Put your own support mechanism in place. Remember that your Dad is also grieving and will need his own support.

If the family aren't being helpful tell them or exclude them.

Op you are doing a great job and you are totally right.

Just be careful you take some time out to take care of yourself.

Love love to your dm.