My mum has cancer; AIBU in dealing with self centered twunts?

[AaDB]

We found out recently that my mum has cancer and operations and treatments are happening really fast. Times like these bring out the best and worst in people. AIBU in dealing with the following behaviour:

My DM did not want to tell anyone. My DF didn't agree and has told her siblings , one of whom keeps visiting and crying.

A family friend is calling her and seems to be asking for details. Knowing them, I presume this is for gossip fodder. They have called three times and have been informed by her each time that she doesn't want to go into details.

I think her wishes are the most important right now and can't understand why others are acting like this is happening to them. MY DM isn't very good at dealing with conflict and has asked me to intervene. I'm going to call later and tell them to back off. I can be too blunt but think this situation calls for that approach. AIBU?

That ring theory piece was great.

I do wonder if there's something about cancer that really offends people. My dm had cancer last year, one of her friends was all 'woe is me, I can't possibly deal with you having cancer' wtf?

I'd try to forgive your dad, as another poster pointed outh he may be reaching out for support for him.

Everyone else, be blunt, get angry with doom mongers and gossips. YANBU

The ring theory is great. It clearly identifies a correct way to deal with other people's sorrows.

I understand that my dad may have felt deprived of support. It was three weeks from diagnosis to major operation and he should have respected her wishes for the time being. He has form for doing this kind of thing; I love him dearly but he is a pain in the arse. He didn't agree with my choice of wedding dance song and so tried to get another song played on the night.

I don't care that she is sister/aunt/friend. I totally agree with the ring theory and am furious that people are dumping their nonsense.

melika for you.

As of earlier today, things look very positive. I'm trying to concentrate on that instead of the fact that some people are arseholes.

I've had (and survived) cancer myself, and have been through close friends having cancer, and my cousin is currently terminally ill with it, so sadly lots of experience.

Firstly, yes, cancer (or any serious illness) will bring out a host of emotional vampires. They feed off health problems, disasters, and love having gory details. Give them an inch and they will insert themselves like bloodsuckers. Don't give them the inch - politely but firmly tell them to Fuck OFF. One of the nice things about cancer is that you quickly develop the ability to do this without worrying.

Secondly, there's a whole group of people who are genuinely and desperately concerned about your mum, and are wanting to help. Best advice - set up a blog with privacy settings and invite all relevant parties to the URL. Explain that ALL relevant health updates will be posted there. In this way, everyone gets a chance to know at the same time and you and the immediate family are saved from the emotionally draining and tiring job of phoning to give the same information several times over. In the blog, you can set out things like Mum has been today to see her consultant. She is likely to be having an MRI and a CT scan next week, are there any volunteers to drive her to these appointments? This way,s you can start sharing out the load and believe me it is a load, and people do genuinely want to help.

However, DON'T wait for people to magically know what needs doing. You need to tell them. So this can be things like mowing the lawn, getting in groceries, accompanying your mum to appointments, changing her library books, etc. Spell these out in as much detail as possible - you'll find that folks will be really glad to have something specific to do rather than the vague and annoying "is there anything I can do to help?"

Other tip - which sounds horrendously ungrateful - get them to co-ordinate sending flowers. I was inundated with flowers when I came out of hospital - there were so many it was overpowering - and we had to buy extra vases and they were everywhere. Far from being welcome, the sheer amount was awful. However, later on in my treatment, there were lots of times I'd have loved flowers ot cheer me up.

Make sure your dad is being looked after - possibly ask one of the male members of the family or one of his close friends to make sure he gets a regular night off or the chance todo something he enjoys. The main carer has a tough job.

Good luck to you all xxx

I agree you need to be firm. Your dad sounds a but like FIL. When MIL was told she could not come out of hospital due to an infection he said "but what will I do? And the cat has been sick on the stairs" DH had to have a firm word with him.
Hope your DM gets on ok.

Cabbage beat me to it. Comfort in. Dump out.