AIBU? Or just scared?

[MinesADecaff]

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

YANBU. I think I would say I want maternity leave to be used to get to grips with the new baby and everything else to stay the same for now, and a new routine can be established once maternity leave is over and everything is settled and back to normal.

"AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?"

I would say you are unreasonable yes. His daughter is your stepdaughter, and will be the sister of your new baby.

If your stepdaughter was your own child would you feel this way too?

I think you are being a bit precious. I do think you need a couple of months to get to grips with being a mum to a new baby but after that, its just down to routine. My concern would be that if you stop the childminder, she'll fill the space and then he will have to find someone new for his daughter when you go back to work. I would think it better for the sake of your step daughter that she continues with her current arrangement and then she doesn't have to make any changes. Can you leave your baby with that CM when you go back to work?

As a compromise, why don't you go and pick up step dd from childminder a bit earlier so you, she and the baby get used to bonding and being on your own and managing and she doesn't feel left out. There is a big risk she could start feeling excluded and actually she needs to feel very included. That way, she's 'helped' with baby, been a 'big sister', yet still retains continuity of care when she's got a lot of change ahead.

YABU What would you do if she was your daughter?

in my opinion yabu, all you need to do is put the baby in the pram, walk to the school and collect dsc. I never understood the attitude of oh I have a baby so all tasks will be much harder, it is a baby not a lion, everyday life can continue.

You may well enjoy the walk and the baby may well be entertained by watching dsc play.

First few weeks YANBU, six months YABalittleU.
This is an excellent opportunity to make your future with your step daughter much easier. She will be able to be involved with her half sister in a lovely natural way and it will go along way in avoiding any potential jealousy issues for you all to deal with when she realises that she has to share her Dad with this new little person.
Is Pat leave still a fortnight? Thats too early. Ask him to sort out pick up for another few weeks and then ease yourself into it. You don't know how you will be feeling in the weeks after the birth. Pushing yourself to do too much could make you ill or exhausted!

I was already to say YANBU until you said '6 months or so'

I figured you meant 4 weeks.

I mean, its only a couple of hours between having her at home and him coming home, and its only 3 days a week.

YABU.

*all ready

If her step-daughter was her own child then she wouldn't have to get to grips with being a new mum and cope with a newborn for the first time as she would already have done this first time round

Her concerns are how she will cope with a newborn. None of us know the answer to this until the time comes.

Op, you are not being unreasonable to feel apprehensive and scared. Hopefully it will all go swimmingly and you'll pick it up very easily; many of us do.

Agree 6 months is a little long though .

You won't need that long, honest.

You might enjoy the opportunity to get out and have chat a few times a week. I do get where you are coming from, maybe say not for the first six weeks til you've had 6 week check and then take it from there.

6 months is far too long - YABU

A month or so is plenty of time. She's your dh's DD and should treated as one of your own. Step parent thing aside, I doubt you'd carry on using a cm for your own DD if you were on maternity leave, so the same should apply to your DSD.

I don't like this 'his DD' business, she's part of YOUR family.

Just to add don't be scared, what are you scared about? The baby might need a feed so you stop and feed it, the baby might have an poo explosion so you change them, they might cry in the pram take a sling so you can carry them. leave lots of time, is there a coffee shop close to the school? You could go 30 mins early and if you get there early (with no stops for feeds/changes) treat yourself to a coffee/cake, the baby will probably be asleep in the pram after the walk.

Your dsd will probably be really proud to show her friends her new baby sibling and the school gate mums will love to have a look at the baby, hearing people say your baby is cute is the nicest feeling as a new mum :)

I was supprised how fast I felt normal after birth, I had a vaginal delivery with a 2nd degree tear but 2 weeks after I felt great. Everyone is different but you may well be supprised by how quickly you feel good.

Well that's the thing. I've never had a baby before so I don't think it's fair to ask me what would I do if DSD was mine. Obviously if she was mine I'd have been through it all before and would know what to expect with a newborn.

I thought six months was reasonable. Maybe it's not.

Good point about keeping hold of the CM. I hadn't thought about that. She was difficult to find too.

what if the stepdaughter was your Biological daughter would you keep her at the childminder yabu and precious it is a baby you are having parents manage to have babies and collect from schools every day, I can see for the first few weeks but realy imo this is a daft idea if you are going to be around the little girl can bond with her sibling and feel part of the family, If you would keep your own child at the child minder I still think you are being precious and U

Can you suggest the first four weeks you will not be up for it, but thereafter you can all play it by ear and depending on your health and how you're coping you are willing to help with the school run for DSD?

The DSD might be a good help after school, sometimes babies need a change of face to goo and gaa at.

Agree with Flapping's suggestion to pick your DSD up from her childminder slightly earlier. That way, you can ease into a new arrangement once you know what you (and she) will cope best with.

Aside from anything else, a lot is going to change for your DSD when the baby is born and removing completely her from an established caring environment at that time might do more harm than good. The arrival of a new baby changes routines, dynamics and priorities in the home, and that's often something that existing DC find distressing and boring (due to "shh, the baby's sleeping"/"just a minute, baby needs to feed again"/"don't do that, you'll scare the baby" etc) once the novelty has worn off. Your DSD will probably find that much harder to cope with if she has to deal with it for a full 60% of her non-school time, especially if the change is accompanied by being removed from a childminder and fellow mindees whom she likes and feels secure with.

Are you going back to work wfter ML? If you are I wouldn't change dsds routine too much as it will have to change again.

If you aren't going back to work then a few weeks to get used to baby is perfectly fair. I would say 10-12 weeks would be more than enough.

Even if you are goig back to work you could mwybe collect her one day and she can go to cm the other days.

I never understand these people who get together with partners who are already parents and then refuse the responsibility that being a step parent brings.

Your last paragraph is just a load of shit really.

• You don't need 6 months to bond with your baby.

• You're not providing childcare. She's your step daughter .

• I was picking and dropping dd off to nursery 3 days a week when my DS was 2 weeks old in freezing cold January weather.

• I'll be doing the school run 2 weeks after my third child's birth in November with a 22 month in tow.

Yes, YABU.

Most of my friends went back to work full time at around 6 months, so needing that long to be ready to pop out to pick up a member of the family seems a tad unreasonable...

Six months is ridiculous. Grow up, woman! [womanly backslap]

Could you start collecting her from school when you go on ML? I suppose that would depend on how soon you're planning to leave work though.

First few weeks would be fair enough. Much longer than that and you're wasting money and missing an opportunity to get your dsd more involved with her new sibling.

I am half and half with this. She is the sister of your baby and as much family to your dh as your child will be. Therefpre she is a member of your household and should be treated as such.

However, if you drop all childcare you will lose the place and it may not be avaliable when you return to work. It will also be nice to just 100% focus on your newest child. However, if DSD is at school all day, you will get 9-3 every weekday to spend with newborn.

Could you reduce her days at CM? Just to keep her place, mainly? And id definetly keep her with the CM for the first two weeks as I just thought my insides would fall out if I tried to do much «nice»

I think you need to see the bigger picture here.

Your dh presumably pays for the childminder to pick up his dd from school? And to collect her on his way home from work no doubt takes up his time after a busy day at work. It seems a simple request therefore for you to pick her up after school, saving money and saving him time.

Plus it's not every day, it's just 3 days a week.

I'm sorry but many of us do this every single day. Whether or not she is your biological daughter really makes no difference, you can never say for sure how you are going to be after the birth of a child - first, second, third or even fourth. Yet many mums take other children to school and back 5 days a week whilst coping with a newborn.

I would say that your dh might also be hoping that it would give you and your dsd time together. He might be worried about how she will react with a baby sibling that has not come from her mum and he might also be worried how you will be towards his first daughter once your own child comes along.

You need to have a chat with him. I would say a compromise might be in order. Ask if the childminder can stay on for the first month and after that I really do think that you ought to at least try. He is only asking you to pick her up from school 3 days a week. It's hardly a lot to ask.