AIBU? Or just scared?

[MinesADecaff]

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

Blimey, 'without having to provide childcare for
his DD too?'

Read that back to yourself, OP. It doesn't cast you in a good light at all.

Oh blimey, just saw that Jenai!

I was somebody's stepchild too and it was made quite clear to me that I was a nuisance and very unwanted. Those mental scars still remain. Please do not think of your step-daughter as somebody else's problem. You accepted her along with your dh, they come as a package, not separately. You are not providing childcare, you are her second mother so please act like one.

Having had a new baby fairly recently anything that keeps normality and routine is hugely helpful for the older sibling so that is worth consideration.

I would suggest maintaining the status quo and reviewing at 12 weeks. That gives you time to recover from the birth, get to grips with being a new mum, it's about the time babies naturally settle into a routine and provides a bit of stability for older sibling.

Plus you need to consider what will happen with juggling the childminder and is it going to be a pita to get another in the future?

Why don't you find a compromise? Maybe collect her for one or two of the days, might even help you and the baby get into a routine? What do you think dsd would like to do? If she loves going to the childminder, discuss this with your partner, and ask dsd what she would like to do. She may love her half sibling coming to collect her from school, and it might be a lovely time for you all to increase your bond.

You sound scared...and understandably so.

0 -> 1st newborn = massive change and steep learning curve

0 -> 1st newborn + sudden significant increase in solo responsibility for DSD (who will also probably be reeling from the arrival of her new sibling) = enough to scare almost anyone imo.

I think K8Middleton has the right suggestion, keep the status quo and review at 12 weeks when you've had time to settle from some of the emotional (and hormonal) upheaval.

Poor DSD, do you really see her as 'his' child. Her world is about to be turned upside down! OP if you for any reason you were physically unable to pick DSD up after the birth of PFB then I doubt DH would be able to go to work and leave you anyway so he would have to get her.

My timing was awful, DH works away and I gave birth to DS2 the Friday before DS1 had his first day at nursery and DD1 the Friday before his first day at school, they were both 14 days late!

You will enjoy the walk, it's a sanity preserver getting out once a day.

I agree with the posters who said pick her up a little earlier from the childminders that seems a better compromise for you, but this little girl is going to be in your family forever now please dont think of her as just his child keep that feeling in check as it might slip in as your own child and or children come along and that isn't fair

YABU to think you need 6 months to "bond" with your baby and not be able to go out in that time
I suspect you'll be glad to get out for a walk most afternoons, it can be quite claustrophobic after a few days surrounded by the same 4 walls.
Have you thought how your DSD might feel about all this ? _I'd have thought at her age she will be very excited to have a new baby sibling and will want to spend time with them, as well as you.
Logistically of course, you would risk losing the CM place, if you take her out for a few months, so you would need to think about what will happen when (if?) you go back to work, and for that reason if it might be worth either keeping the place or paying a retainer to keep the place.

You knew he had this child when you went into having yours. You knew he had the child for set times. You are supposed to be a partnership. If this was your own child you would be doing it so why not now ? Poor kid is no doubt already going to be stressed about a new sibling. You should both be doing your best to make the child involved etc. and you should be picking the child up from school. Get over yourself and get on with it.

I don't think the OP is being that U. I think having a DSD is different to having your own, biological child (in terms of carrying him/her for 9 months, giving birth etc); I don't mean that she should treat her DSD any different, but surely there's a bond with your own biological child that you don't have with your DSC? I don't have any DSC so am not trying to be goady, I'm just saying things how I see it.

I think 6 months is a little long for you not to pick your DSD up from school, but I don't think there's anything wrong with you refusing for the first couple of months. It took me 3 months to bond with my dd (she was prem, spent some time in NICU, was very traumatic & had reflux as well in the first few months). I found the early months incredibly difficult - like you OP I had no family or friends close by & DH worked long hours. The OP doesn't know how the first few months will go - she might have a c-section, have pnd or anything.

Fwiw, I think mums-to-be do put a huge emphasis on routine (dd has only really been in one for the last couple of months), some times you just have to go with the flow.

OP, you've had an unnecessary flaming on here from some posters. Personally I think you should say no to picking DSD up for the first 6 weeks & then just see how you go. You definitely need to speak about it with your DP though.

Hth

I think you'll be better for having a time you get out, pop the baby in the buggy and have a nice walk. Baby will probably fall asleep on the way, your dsd will love to show off to all her friends, and, as your baby gets older they will love to watch your dsd playing.

I found my younger two much easier to entertain because they watched the older ones. When dd1 was a baby I had to entertain her.

I'd say 2-3 weeks after baby (depending on birth) you'll probably quite enjoy doing it.

Hi OP going against the grain here, but i do not think that you should stop the CM while you are on maternity leave - your SDD's life will be shaken up enough by the arrival of the new baby so it is important to keep her routine in place. Also, you would need her to go back to CM when you go back to work. I did not cancel my childcare for my older DC when I had the younger one, although we did dO shorter days and miss some days to do things and virtually all my female friends have done the same. One friend I know did not continue the childcare, then tried to get her DD back to nursery at 4 after almost a year at home wih mum and it was a nightmare for her!

Maybe think about reducing the length of time she is at CM, but keep it in place, you'll only store up trouble for the future if not.

I would keep the childminder for one day a week if as you say she is good as you may need her later.
You might find that by picking up your dsd, that you meet lots of other mums with newborns at the school gates. It could benefit you too in the long run as you have no one close by.

Pick her up! It'll do you good to get out of the house as a SAHM and to meet new people, and baby will probably sleep anyway, so you get to bond with DSD and she gets to show off her new sister to her friends.

I think you should continue to have a childminder and see how things go. Don't say you need 6 months, just tell your DH you want the current arrangements to continue for now.

I've only had one dc (now an adult) and I can't imagine doing the school run with a new baby, particularly in the mornings, or in fact doing anything that needs doing at a particular time!

But I agree with the poster who said it might be a good way to meet other parents with young children, just not in the early weeks.

I'd leave the current arrangement in place for the first 4 weeks. It will take you at least that long to pass through the shock and acceptance of being a mother.

Unless you plan to go back to work quite soon, however, I wouldn't leave it any longer than that or you could end up in a situation where you unintentionally find yourself resenting your DSD for intruding on your time with your baby because you've got used to it just being baby and you.

4 weeks sounds reasonable, but it also depends on how much paternity leave your DP has. You might have an straightforward birth and a newborn who sleeps loads, otoh, you might have a C-section, be uncomfortable for a few weeks with a wakeful baby and need 12 weeks' recovery.

forget of course she should bond with her baby most posters are saying that but 6 months to bond really most people can manage a school pick up and still be bonding with their baby

Like many others have said, I think you need to compromise a bit.

Thinking back to when I had my first baby, I was in a bit of a state physically and emotionally tbh and no way would I have been up to collecting anyone from school to begin with by, by six to eight weeks, I'd have been fine.

Recovery tends to be quicker with second and subsequent babies so collecting your own children from school is not the same thing - DS1 started school 3 weeks before DD was born and, yes it was daunting the first few times I did the school run (had toddler DS2 to contend with too!) but, once I got going it really did break up the long afternoon and I enjoyed it (most of the time!) however, I'd had a pretty easy birth, no stitches and my undercarriage didn't feel like it'd been run over by a steamroller like it did with DS1!

I would keep the childminder to start with and see how you go. Perhaps drop a day at a time once you are feeling more confident. I think it would be nice for DSD to have some time just with you and her new sibling.

As others have said, though, if you like the childminder, hang on to her if you are going back to work.

I was a SAHM but many of my friends continued to use childcare when they had subsequent babies - continuity for the children but I suspect the mums enjoyed it more than they admitted!

6 months is way too long. Dsd is going to be your babies sibling, and she lives with you 60 percent of the time. You seem very detached, almost as if that child is not part of your family.

Personally, I'd say you're being unreasonable.
Others will say different.
I'd be thinking about what money you could save by not paying a CM.

I have 2 teenage boys and a stepson who will be 8 when the baby comes along, this baby was badly timed and will be born slap bang in the middle of football season and also slap bang in the middle of our busiest time of year (we have our own retail business) I am hoping I may get 6 days off before I start on the school run and have a new born baby out and about watching football... But I doubt it!

It is scary when you have no idea what to expect but you do have to accept your dsd as your own now, you are a family and she needs to be part of it...

YANBU - and as for what you would do if she was your DD, then I guess would you like to keep the childminder then?

I've just had DC2 (on tuesday) and DC1 will still be in nursery 3 days a week until August, but thanks to using up holiday leave before hand and my company having a generous start to maternity leave, that's the point I won't be able ot put my share into the joint account monthly and DH's wage will have to cover all our expenses. I want not only the time to bond with DC2, but also to keep some routine for DC1 - your DSD will have a large change happening in her life, she's still quite young if she likes going to her childminders and the other mindees, it might be quite a bit to have happen all at once.

To me, as you both currently work FT, it's probably that your DH is aware that he'll have to cover all the household bills from when you go on mat leave so is trying to reduce a bill where he can.

I'd compromise that she stays at the childminders up to the point you drop to SMP, so 6 weeks (or longer if your company have a more generous system), with money put to one side in case you have a bad birth and need to extend that. (I realised i'd done our sums on the understanding our household bills would remain the same when I was on mat leave, but the month I took of holiday leave before DC2's birth was a month I didn't have to pay for any commuting costs, and my monthly rail card is normally £365 so we have that as extra money)

Are you not involved in the school life of your DSD at the moment?

I felt very isolated when I had my 1st son. I'd be working full time and then suddenly found myself at home, on my own with a newborn and few friends around.

With my second I'd already made the adjustment to being a family and so had a larger network of friends in the village. It was really lovely to know I HAD to do the school run twice a day. It got me up and out, I got to talk to adults and show off my precious boy. It was good for all of us.

I know this is your first baby, but you've had a DSD to care for, for a while now so it's not going to be completely new to you e.g. there are certain routines you must have to do.

How will your DSD feel knowing she's at the childminder when her step-Mum is at home with the new baby?

I think giving yourself some time is perfectly reasonable - your DH should absolutely not expect you to be up to this in the first couple of weeks (though you may well feel perfectly fine in a couple of days).

When is the baby due? How does it fit in with school holidays? I mean, is there likely to be a handy time when it would work out?

Forgetfulmog I'm adopted so do my parents not have the same bond with me as they would with a baby they carried in their womb for nine months according to your theory?

Fortunately you're very wrong and I am treated exactly the same as my brother and sister who are their own.

I also know of plenty of families who perfectly integrate step children in with their own and give them all the same amount of love and care. It requires a certain maturity and a lot of hard work but it is very possible and very realistic.

Plus whoever said that the second baby is easier to recover from, really? After having my first child I was back to normal and feeling ok within an hour. My daughter was an emergency C-section and it took me 6 months to recover, however I still managed to take care of my disabled son and push him to school in his wheelchair, carrying my baby on my back only a week after having the C-section.

I'm sorry op but it sounds like you're just trying to make excuses to evade any responsibility for your DSD. Three afternoons a week is nothing.

I presume this baby you're carrying will be the last child you're having if you need six uninterrupted months to bond with no other children present?

I'm afraid I feel really sorry for your DSD in all this as it sounds like you're doing your best to exclude her already.