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Will I ever get over this.

34 replies

justanotherNC · 06/06/2013 23:56

Christmas time My DH accused me of having an affair. I would never do that.

Things have been fine since, but i am still angry that the man i married could have so little trust in me.

Is there a way i can overcome this.

OP posts:

thebody · 06/06/2013 23:58

Need more information really op.


justanotherNC · 07/06/2013 00:00

There isn't much more information.

It was a complete random question.

OP posts:

thebody · 07/06/2013 00:04

But he must have had a reason to day this? Was it a stupid joke then or a serious accusation. If the latter what evidence did he have? And with who?

You got to have more than your post or it doesn't make sense.


quesadilla · 07/06/2013 00:06

Really need more info. If there were circumstances which could have given some people cause to suspect you were its one thing. If it was totally unjustified and unprompted that's another. Also depends in how he went about accusing you.


justanotherNC · 07/06/2013 00:10

It was serious.

There was no evidence because I know that I didn't cheat. I did go off sex for a while and lost about 2 stone in weight, new hair style and got loads of new clothes. That was all to make me feel happy.

OP posts:

Hissy · 07/06/2013 00:10

Usually those that accuse are either abusive, or they are having an affair themselves.

What's going on around this OP?


FiaGrace · 07/06/2013 00:11

Has he ever had an affair?


McNewPants2013 · 07/06/2013 00:11

there has got to be more to it.


Hissy · 07/06/2013 00:13

Ah. X-post.

Well it is said on here that if a man did all that, that he could be about to be, or actually cheating.

If there is no basis or truth, then your H needs to be sat down and asked why he's so insecure atm.


justanotherNC · 07/06/2013 00:14

I don't think he would have an affair, that has never entered my mind.

He is not abusive, i am normally a person who can just let go and move on, but why is this so hard to overcome.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 07/06/2013 00:17

Sorry but as soon as I read your op I thought "He is having an affair". When my ex was cheating he was on my back all the time accusing me of flirting, not loving him blah blah, because he needed to justify what he was doing by convincing himself that I was the problem. And that he judged me by his own standards.


KeatsiePie · 07/06/2013 00:17

Did he tell you that the weight loss and other positive life changes (congratulations on all that by the way! Well, except for the going off sex) were the reasons why he thought you were having an affair?

I would think that if those were his reasons and he explained that and you reassured him, everything should be fine. I get it that it was not pleasant to be asked that but I can see why he asked. If it were my DH it would mean that he was feeling a lot of distance between us and it was worrying him, so I'd have some sympathy for that.


thebody · 07/06/2013 00:19

You went off sex, lost 2 stone, brought new clothes and new hair style. Mmmm. If my dh did this I would also be a bit suspicious.

He may feel you are as my gran would say.'smelling yourself'

Not wanting to have sex can obviously make the other party feel unloved and unwanted.

He needs reassurance that you still want to be with him.

Probably a bloody stupid remark but probably his inner fear.

Talk to him.


justanotherNC · 07/06/2013 00:22

I did say tell him that KeatsiePie.

After a few long conversations, I did manage to reasure him I wasn't having an affair.

I just can not get over the lack of trust in the first place.

OP posts:

KeatsiePie · 07/06/2013 00:29

Ohh, I see. And of course what you asked about was how to get over being angry re: his question, sorry.

Well, there's nothing wrong with being angry about it. Even with some reasonable basis for it, of course it could still feel really shocking to you that he would even ask. If you normally think of your relationship as very solid and very much based on trust then that question can easily feel like a huge insult and also somewhat foundation-shaking.

I don't think you can get over feeling this way by yourself. Since you were able to talk about how he felt, seems like now it's time to talk about how you feel. Can you just sit down again and say look, that really made me angry and hurt, and I can't get past it so we need to talk? Maybe you need to tell him how angry you are, maybe you need him to say he's sorry he suspected you and he should have known better. Again, if it had been my situation, I would have expected a serious apology from my DH as soon as I had reassured him. And then a good talk about why we've been distant. Feeling angry like this is bad for both of you, so he needs to help you with it.


justanotherNC · 07/06/2013 00:36

I just need to know he trust me. I have changed since he asked me.

I feel like i have to explain where i am going and with who. I think you are right, I think a calm talk is in order.

OP posts:

KeatsiePie · 07/06/2013 00:43

Wait, for the last 5-6 months you've felt like you have to explain where you're going and with whom in detail? Are you feeling like you have to carefully illustrate to him how nothing's going to happen when you go out? You shouldn't have to feel like you need to do that. So that's important to talk about too -- where is that coming from: is he acting like he needs to hear all that, or are you just assuming he needs to hear all that, or both. Hopefully afterward you can both relax some, this sounds like it must feel very tense. Good luck.


justanotherNC · 07/06/2013 00:51

I am assuming.

OP posts:

justanotherNC · 07/06/2013 00:53

Thanks for answering to this thread, I really need to get some sleep so any other answers will be read in the morning.

Good night, i hope you all sleep well.

OP posts:

Notasleepyet · 07/06/2013 02:11

I asked my DH at Christmas if he was having an affair. He was working very long hours, lost about 3 stone, bought lots of new clothes and was too tired to talk or have sex often.

The question didnt come from a lack of trust, it came from feeling neglected, unloved and unappreciated. He didnt talk to me about why he felt he needed to change and felt harrassed if I complained about spending so much time alone. Everything pointed to him having an affair and, without effective communication and time spent together, my imagination went wild.

We made a huge effort to spend some time together without the dc's and talk properly. He told me how he felt and why he needed to change his lifestyle, I told him how neglected I was feeling and how scared I was that I might lose him.

The thing is that had I not been feeling so unloved and neglected then the lifestyle changes he made would not have been an issue in the first place. When someone has feelings of insecurity it powers other negative thoughts and behaviours.


justanotherNC · 09/06/2013 00:29

My point is he should not have even asked me, I am angry at the lack of trust and that he would think that i would have sex behind his back just because i was off sex.

I want to move forward from this feeling, because i love my DH and this is eating me up.

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 09/06/2013 00:37

Maybe he whined about the lack of sex to someone else and then in conversation he brought up the weight loss and new clothes and they put 2 and 2 together and they can't do maths well.
It's one of those things people say that those having an affair do isn't it.
Weight loss
Working out
Buying new clothes (well the old ones won't fit what else can you do)
Lack of intimacy with your partner.
He may well have been at his wits end worrying and had to ask.


justanotherNC · 09/06/2013 00:46

I just don't know how that taking care of myself and going off sex could lead to this :(

i have put the weight back on, because it has made me feel so bad.

OP posts:

justanotherNC · 09/06/2013 00:47

It has not improve our sex life either.

OP posts:

KeatsiePie · 09/06/2013 01:31

Yeah, I bet it hasn't helped! I'm sorry about that.

I think you are just too angry and hurt to be able to look at this from his point of view.

But he didn't ask you out of malice, or for amusement; he must have been really worried. That doesn't mean you're wrong to be angry. You don't have to put your feelings aside. I'm just saying this is why I think it would help to sit down and talk, maybe even with a counselor.

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