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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Breastfeeding - the pressure to bottle feed from Mother in law

59 replies

josiejumper · 06/06/2013 15:33

Hi folks
Just wanted to engage in chat with ladies in a similar position to me! awaiting the imminent arrival of bubba no; 2. my DC is 3 years old, and DH is looking forward to the imminent arrival and time off work to watch all the summer sports!!!!
The MIL pressured last time by 'snidey' comments about breastfeeding. I managed to BF for 16 months only because i'm dogged and was determined to do everything humanly possible to try and prevent eczema and allergies (his father's are awful!!). I was very careful throughout pregnancy not eating nuts, blah blah and was keen to wait to 6 months before weaning etc. My son was born in the hot summer of 2010 and if i had a £1 for every time either my mum or my MIL told me to give my BF baby water in a bottle i would be a very rich mummy indeed!! My MIL alwys said 'my boys turned out alright and they were bottle fed' - debateable as both were on solids by2 1/2 MONTHS OLD, and now both have autoimmune bowel or skin problems. Ok not proven but thats my theory......
there is so much documentation about the pressure to BF, but i just wanted to start a thread about peoples experience from the opposite angle.... and what we do about it.
Anxiously awaiting the day this baby arrives and i am asked to go upstairs to feed him as 'father in law' gets embarrrassed!..

your thoughts welcome xx
JJ

OP posts:

motherinferior · 06/06/2013 15:36

Can you sweetly suggest FIL leaves the room if HE is embarrassed?

monsterchild · 06/06/2013 15:39

Just say what I say to my DM, that she was following the medical advice of her day, and you're following the medical advice that's being given to you!

She probably feels some guilt about not BF, don't get down or judgy on her, she was doing what she thought was best for her babies. Making her feel bad about it won't help anything.

And I would use FIL's embarrassment as an opportunity to escape for some one on one time with the little one!

UniqueAndAmazing · 06/06/2013 15:42

"debateable as both were on solids by2 1/2 MONTHS OLD, and now both have autoimmune bowel or skin problems. Ok not proven but thats my theory......"
tell her that.

My mum constantly made comments about Bfing (and still tries to when she rings me)
I say firmly "I breastfeed my baby. that's my decision and I am not discussing it with you".

just say that and repeat as necessary.

FIL can leave the room if he's embarrassed (interestingly, I can't decide whether my dad was bothered or if he only was because my mum was, but he ignores it now (at the beginning he would leave the room for a while))

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/06/2013 15:44

FIL gave me some shit about still BFing DD at 9 months. I smiled sweetly and told him the WHO says two years. He did this face

OTOH my DM is very supportive having regretted not BFing my DB and I.

Flosshilde · 06/06/2013 15:45

My FIL gets embarrassed but I just stay put and he leaves the room. His problem to deal with, not mine. No one can force you to go upstairs, particularly in your own house.

Well done on getting to 16mo with your first. I was asked if I needed to give water in hot weather, by my mum as well who bfed both of us and I just said it was no longer recommended and left it at that. Don't engage - I know easier said than done.

Minifingers · 06/06/2013 15:56

Lots of people of that generation have regretful feelings, maybe a bit of anger and feelings of inadequacy which are aroused by the sight of a mother doing what they couldn't/chose not to/were told not to bother, to do. If you understand this and have a bit of compassion about it, show some understanding that these comments are rooted in ignorance, fear and embarrassment maybe it would be easier to cut your MIL some slack.

Original poster

josiejumper · 06/06/2013 16:07

Thanks for advice; i would just rather have the direct discussions with MIL rather than the rolling of the eyes and the snidey comments. i will sit tight and maybe the 3 year old will distract FIL. I could never actually have a conversation with MIL about her feelings of 'potential guilt, anger or inadequacy about BF' as she truely believes bottle feeding is easier cos you can 'pass the baby round' while you get on with things. I dont want to pass my baby round; i will proably just keep stum, and use the argument of bottle feeding costs approx £50 a month; that'll keep FIL quiet!! There is a leaflet for nhs breastfeeding guidance for grandparents which i have randomly found; its really good. might have to leave it laying around!!
I have never tried to make her feel bad, and wouldnt say anything to put down how she did it, so i dont see why she has to do that to me. Her son wont speak up, so it may have to come down to me if it gets that far. hopefully my 3yr old will lighten the mood!!

OP posts:

Loulybelle · 06/06/2013 16:12

Dont let anyone stop you breastfeeding if thats what you want to do, my DD wouldnt latch on, i was so sad, i really wanted to breastfeed her.

TheBookofRuth · 06/06/2013 16:12

I think a lot of grandparents can get a bit jealous of bfing mums, because the baby spends most of their time with mum and they have fewer opportunities for cuddles. I had to physically take my DD off my MIL a couple of times when she was crying to be fed and MIL was determined not to give her back!

Ragwort · 06/06/2013 16:19

You need to be assertive, say something like 'it is my choice to breast feed, medical guidelines thoroughly support breast feeding and I do not want to have a discussion about it. If you continue to suggest different methods of feeding my baby then I suggest we don't meet up for the next few years' . Then change the subject. Repeat as necessary.

Why won't your DH speak up, he should be supporting you?

I am truly amazed that so many people receive 'comments' about their chosen method of feeding. no one ever, ever spoke to me about how I fed my baby. I did not invite any discussion. I chose not to breast feed in front of elderly relatives, or many people for that matter, but I was more than happy to use it as an excuse to retire to a private room .

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 06/06/2013 16:23

You made your decision about how to feed your babies and I've made mine

Aah you're only jealous cos you can't feed him

Did you know that you keep repeating yourself about breastfeeding? Is your memory starting to go? Are you ok?

Oh do stop going on about breastfeeding, its getting boring now

The doctor says I must breastfeed

and this - www.lactivist.co.uk/milk-from-my-mum-not-from-just-any-old-cow-long-sl-org-36mths-p-118.html

GoodbyePorkPie · 06/06/2013 16:26

"she truely believes bottle feeding is easier cos you can 'pass the baby round' while you get on with things."

Is she moving in with you and planning on doing night shifts with the baby? I mean, it's not like you're going to stop BFing just so that on the rare occasions she is with you she can feed your baby. How silly of her.

I agree with whoever said that she wants to be involved and hold the baby etc. That is not a good reason to stop BFing!

Well done on BFing your first until 16 months.

WitchOfEndor · 06/06/2013 16:29

At the first comment from her look her straight in the eyes and tell her that the decision on how to feed your child is yours and your DHs and you will not be discussing it any further. Any further comments from her get this repeated. I made the mistake of tolerating my DMs comments ( we were bottle fed) because I thought showing her that I was considering her opinion was the right way to go. Big mistake on my part as she is like a dog with a bone. I am still feeding DS to sleep at 3 yo and whenever she starts I tell her I'm not discussing it.

It is your choice, if they don't like it they don't have to see it.

zzzzz · 06/06/2013 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allegrasmum · 06/06/2013 17:00

I agree with Minifingers about the emotional reasons why some grandmothers can be so snidey about breastfeeding. When I get these sorts of comments from my MIL (not as extreme as what it sounds like you're getting as she's quite mild-mannered but she has made a few comments about me being a martyr to it and going on too long), I really try to empathise with her own possible feelings about having missed out herself - not out loud if course!

In general, when facing anti breastfeeding hostility, it's so tempting (and sometimes necessary) to come out with a clear assertive response that ends the discussion but I do try to be an ambassador for BF. So I smile sweetly and sing its praises citing NHS/WHO advice and innocently say stuff like "it's just such a lovely way to bond with your baby - I really love it". Getting angry with the naysayers can attract nasty labels that compare mothers who choose to feed their babies in the normal human way to the mafia (must remember to stop putting severed horses heads in the cots of bottle-fed babies...) Whereas if you're just smiley and positive about it in public then maybe it will help to get it back into the mainstream - surely in the interests of the next generation of babies.

But I do feel for you OP on the more general issue of in-laws who won't shut up about how you raise your own children. Don't get me started on my FIL (40 years of marriage to him surely being the reason why my MIL is mild-mannered to the point of mousiness). There are people who go on and on so much and who listen so little that the stuck record approach of "this is my decision. If you keep going on about it I will be leaving now and taking my child with me" is the only way.

specialsubject · 06/06/2013 17:06

as long as the baby gets milk, isn't how that happens up to you?

ICBINEG · 06/06/2013 17:17

My parents have occasionally done the about me still going at 2 years, but were all about the support initially.

I have talked to several people in a peer support role who were being bullied by family to 'stop being so selfish' about Bfing. It is hard to keep going when your partner and both sets of parents think you are not only being selfish but judging them as inferior just because of your feeding choice....

grumpyinthemorning · 06/06/2013 17:31

I formula fed my DS, and will do the same for any other children I have, but never in a million years would I argue with someone's decision to breastfeed.

She's being ridiculous. As long as the baby gets fed, it's none of her business.

sonlypuppyfat · 06/06/2013 17:38

I loved breast feeding and found it so easy. I feed my three children until they were 2. But when my first was born I was told by my friends mum to put jam on my nipples to get him to latch on! It wasn't advice that I took.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 06/06/2013 17:46

Definitely a jealousy component and in the case of my mum (and I suspect I'm not alone) the expression of a need for validation of THEIR own choices.

Although in the case of my mum it wasn't a choice as I'm adopted (hence another layer of issues....)

So annoying though. If you can't bear it, don't even engage with the medical info. You don't owe them an explanation of any kind and also resorting to saying you're following medical advice suggests you are open to advice fundamentally, if you see what I mean. Just not theirs. Which may be the case and justifable but when it's your baby: "Because I want to" on matters such as these is all they need to know.

Nanny0gg · 06/06/2013 17:49

How old are your Mil and mum?

Because they can't be of my generation as I happily breastfed and certainly didn't introduce solids so early. And my father (in his sixties at the time) coped fine with me being the first breastfeeding mother in the immediate family and I certainly didn't take myself off anywhere to do it!

(I'm late fifties)

Tell 'em to butt out.

SuburbanRhonda · 06/06/2013 17:53

Bertha, love the T shirt in your link "Still breast feeding, still none of your business". I wish they'd been around when I was Bf my two.

My grandmother once said to me (when I was bf-ing DS, aged two), "You're not still nursing, are you?" And I was so fed up of it by this point, I just said "No" to shut her up and carried on for another six months .

heritagewarrior · 06/06/2013 18:00

I ended up taking my MIL to the BF group I went to (having primed the HV and BF counsellor who ran it) when she started going on about weaning my twins at 3 months. HV & BF counsellor gave her chapter and verse about the changes in recommendations since her day - in the nicest possible way - and she never mentioned it again!

Bobyan · 06/06/2013 18:01

I don't think you should have to say anything, their your DH's parents so he should.

flanbase · 06/06/2013 18:04

It's great that your bf. I hope you can just ignore your mil and get away to bf upstairs. This sounds perfect

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