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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Breastfeeding - the pressure to bottle feed from Mother in law

59 replies

josiejumper · 06/06/2013 15:33

Hi folks
Just wanted to engage in chat with ladies in a similar position to me! awaiting the imminent arrival of bubba no; 2. my DC is 3 years old, and DH is looking forward to the imminent arrival and time off work to watch all the summer sports!!!!
The MIL pressured last time by 'snidey' comments about breastfeeding. I managed to BF for 16 months only because i'm dogged and was determined to do everything humanly possible to try and prevent eczema and allergies (his father's are awful!!). I was very careful throughout pregnancy not eating nuts, blah blah and was keen to wait to 6 months before weaning etc. My son was born in the hot summer of 2010 and if i had a £1 for every time either my mum or my MIL told me to give my BF baby water in a bottle i would be a very rich mummy indeed!! My MIL alwys said 'my boys turned out alright and they were bottle fed' - debateable as both were on solids by2 1/2 MONTHS OLD, and now both have autoimmune bowel or skin problems. Ok not proven but thats my theory......
there is so much documentation about the pressure to BF, but i just wanted to start a thread about peoples experience from the opposite angle.... and what we do about it.
Anxiously awaiting the day this baby arrives and i am asked to go upstairs to feed him as 'father in law' gets embarrrassed!..

your thoughts welcome xx
JJ

OP posts:
ipswichwitch · 06/06/2013 18:18

I had lots of pressure from MIL about quitting bf for ff (and weaning early and just about every parenting decision we've made so far!) the reasons just got more ridiculous until I refused to discuss it any further. I bf DS until 16 months, which I never told her til recently - the horrified look was priceless!!
I'm already getting PA comments about "you're not going to bf the next one are you" and I'm only 12 weeks pregnant. I had taken her along to a bf group last time in the hope she would understand it a bit better. Sadly it didn't work. I feel your pain op, I really do

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 06/06/2013 18:19

I agree with BookofRuth, I think they do find it hard because they can't do it, you can see from my other thread that I'm getting some v odd comments from my MIL re BF she has always been putting pressure on me to wean onto solids since 8 weeks

ilovecolinfirth · 06/06/2013 18:46

Blimey! 16 months? That's brilliant! I planned to go to a year with my first but gave up at 9 months.

Your MIL sounds like mine. She sounds like she has issues with the way that she did things. Maybe the fact you are doing things differently to her makes her feel uncomfortable. Her problem, not yours.

I'd tread carefully with what you say though as although you feel criticised, maybe she feels criticised too.

X

SirBoobAlot · 06/06/2013 18:48

Tell them to sod off, and tell HIM to leave the room if it makes him uncomfortable.

idiuntno57 · 06/06/2013 19:10

I am sure that I have said this before on MN but my MIL used to stand over me when I was BF DS and tell me that he wasn't getting enough. She practically cheered when I had to give up because of drugs for PND.

I haven't really ever forgiven her

GoodbyePorkPie · 06/06/2013 19:15

idiuntno that is dreadful, I feel angry just reading that. Having to deal with that along with PND is utterly shite.

idiuntno57 · 06/06/2013 19:22

yes. But it's a few years ago now and I have managed to restrict my visits to IL recently (not DC's visits - just me). Still makes me angry when I think about it though.
Angry

idiuntno57 · 06/06/2013 19:26

BTW josie when I was still able to BF I did it in front of them - at dinner table, out and about, wherever...nothing like rubbing noses I am not sure it is fair to make you go and hide if you don't want to

Good luck. BF is such fun and so convenient. I was utterly miserable when I had to give up

MrsKoala · 06/06/2013 19:29

I always fed upstairs at PILs, as DH asked me too and it's their house etc. But never would have at home - altho they have never deigned to visit our home so it wasn't really an issue.

I had a lot of family saying DS was starving, it would be easier to FF (mum meant easier for HER if i ff) etc. At 8.5mo Ds sadly self weaned and people kept saying 'fgs koala, i think you've done your bit now' 'no one can say you didn't put yourself thru enough' as if it had been some awful chore rather than one of the most special times in my life. Some people really do see it as a chore - but i didn't.

One of my mum's friend when i saw her when DS was 8mo shouted at me in front of loads of people 'oh fucking hell koala, why don't you give up breastfeeding as a bad job. you've never taken to it and DS hasn't either' Shock I struggled at first as i only feed from one side and DS struggled with reflux. But seriously WTF! She was really angry too, foaming almost.

Do what you want OP. :)

SirBoobAlot · 06/06/2013 19:36

Your DH asked you to feed in another room, MrsK? Shock

Gemd81 · 06/06/2013 19:37

My own dad walks away to another room if I bf even though I am wearing a cover and every time I go to feed my dd 2 my mum and dad both say 'again'. I am like yes breastfeeding is on demand and its bloody hot so if bambino wants it hourly she can damn well have it hourly FFS wots the big deal I don't have an issue with it - I am gonna start flashing the whole room my boobies! HeheheWink

NoWayPedro · 06/06/2013 19:47

I'm sure you've got some stock answers up your sleeve and don't care what she thinks.

Well done for feeding DD :) I don't mean this to sound narky but can you just consider how you phrase your post as this is how BF/FF bun fights starts: "do everything humanly possible to avoid allergies and ezcema". Some can't BF and some do and still get allergies. Advice changes all the time on weaning as well especially from years ago.

Good luck :)

MrsKoala · 06/06/2013 19:55

Yes SirBoob. They are very conservative and we have a strained relationship so DH asked if i'd feed in our room when we visit in case they kicked off and we were banned for another 3 years Shock. it's their house, i could hardly say no. I wouldn't do it for them anywhere else. That's why they only see us at their house, we have to follow their rules. They wont leave home in case someone says no to them. it was a relief really.

Chottie · 06/06/2013 20:05

I am so shocked at some PiL and P's reactions to bf. I'm just wondering what age they all are? I'm in my late 50s and bf both my children, my DM bf 2, Mil bf 7 ditto GM, so there was nothing but support for me.

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/06/2013 20:24

I had this from my baby's own dad, apparently I was depriving him and his family of the opertunity to feed the baby,

Quite surprisingly his own mother jumped in one day when he was being spiteful and told him in no uncertain terms that bf was best I was clearly doing well not struggling with it and he should thank his lucky stars I was doing my best to give our child the best.

She did ask several questions about additional water and amount of feeds but in her day that's what they said 4 hours between feeds and cooled boiled water in warm weather, she was also very quick to activity seek out info about current advice, in all other areas she was a bit weird and stalkerish ( not being unkind she was stalking us) but with that she was ace and it stopped most of the really anti stuff from dad.

Fil at first was a but unnerved but he soon got used to it.

My mum on the other hand whilst being openly supportive if asked makes comments like " so what are the current guidelines re length of time" umm same as when your other gc was born last year.

But her views on it chop and change depending on what other mums ( ones she likes more in the family) are doing with there kids.

My eldest was bottle fed because I was very young and couldn't get past many of the barriers to teenagers bf back then I was a crap mum and putting myself above my baby's needs because I only lasted 3 weeks ish with bf but dc was the only gc so nothing to compare to.

My next child born a few months after my nephew his mum had huge problems resulting in not being able to bf but when I did bf I was putting my own needs over baby's by doing it for to long and rubbing it in her face.

I learnt with her what ever I did was going to be wrong so why fret I just got a bit more confident and stopped letting it bother me fought her nonsense with facts info and disdain. It works.

thebody · 06/06/2013 20:40

Yes not a generational thing thank you.

My mil and dm bf in the 1950s and supported me.

There are very many young mums now who choose not to Bf so lets stop the silly older generation bashing.

Op just ignore them. Don't explain if argue and certainly don't leave the room to bf ffs.

Where's your dh in this anyway? Tell him to control his parents.

maddening · 06/06/2013 20:47

tell her if she doesn't shut up you'll tandem feed baby and dh to make up for the fact she didn't

thebody · 06/06/2013 20:51

Maddening, made me spit out my tea!!!!

LucieLucie · 06/06/2013 22:21

So basically your Mil doesn't want you to feed your baby from your breast but wants you to put it in a bottle so the baby can be fed by other people ie HER!
Jealous and controlling by the sounds of it. You need to get your man to step in here and lay some boundary s.
Well done you for providing what you believe is best for your babies.

anxiousmess · 06/06/2013 23:21

My mil refused to look at me when I discreetly breastfed and when I finally found the courage to tell her about my pnd she said 'it will go away when you stop doing that' with a nod to my general chestal area. For the record : the pnd didn't go away when I stopped.
Anyway... Enough about me, tell her or tell dh to tell her to mhob!

Wholetthedogin · 06/06/2013 23:28

My lovely but rather uneducated mother said to me that if I continued to BF DD she would end up with a boob fixation and turn into a ............ wait for it ........... lesbian! That is the truth. She actually thinks that.

Do what is best for you and your family and if it all gets too much come on here for a little moan and we'll support you!

Loulybelle · 06/06/2013 23:47

Whole, does she think that gay men exist because the werent breastfeed as babies.

Wholetthedogin · 06/06/2013 23:54

louly I have no idea where she gets her ideas from. I have tried to explain the facts but she just doesn't get it!

Loulybelle · 06/06/2013 23:56

Its very strange theory, Whole xx

thebody · 06/06/2013 23:58

Whole, ...just scary really isn't it!

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