To not want my DD to sleep over night at her grandparents?

[elvislives2012]

Had my first baby last year and am going back to work soon. My parents are going to come down and stay overnight with us one day a week to look after DD, DD will then go to nursery one day a week and then my in laws have said they would look after her another day. The rest of the time my DH&I will be looking after her.
My DH (and his mum has offered too) thinks that she should stay overnight every week at his mum and dads house as it gives them more quality time with her. I think that's too much.
Background info: my DN originally stayed with them overnight when my sister in law went back to work, but now stays there twice, or often three times a week. I'm keen for this not to happen.
I've suggested she stays over once a month if they want her for the evening and morning too. A compromise I thought but my DH thinks I'm bring a bit PFB. Who's right?
I am really lucky and very grateful to both sets of grandparents to be helping us out like this and I know a lot don't have this opportunity!

If you don't want to do it, then don't do it. I wouldn't have wanted my babies away overnight every week and grandparents don't need that level of quality time. Especially if they have the baby all day while you work.

It is nice that they are helping you out with child care, but it doesn't give them rights over your baby. If you think they will be arsey about you not being happy with this, then your best bet is to pay for child care and have it on the terms you want. Then you can just visit your IL's as and when it suits you, without a feeling of obligation.

I would try it once and if my DD didn't like it or the GP's thought it was too much, leave it.

Thank you. I don't see why having her overnight is such a big deal to them all. Added to that I may still be bfing her. Although she does take a bottle really well, I think I'll struggle bring away from her all day and then not being able to feed her either

I?d say entirely up to you whether you want your baby to stay away overnight or not.

Wondering what has brought on the suggestion though ? several possibilities spring to mind ?

• Your parents ?get? to have her overnight, so your in-laws are feeling left out
• They had DN overnight, so feel they ought to treat the grandchildren equally (or maybe DH feels they ought to)
• Is it logistically awkward to get to and from their house? Perhaps it?s something that in a few weeks of doing it, you?ll be desperate just to get home and put your feet up (i.e. they think they are being helpful?)

do not even get me started. MIL has been hankering to snatch LO from boob and have her all to herself since she was born. literally.

over.my.dead.body.

I appreciate the odd childcare they offer and I know take since LO is older, but overnight stays aren't happening yet and certainly wouldn't on a once a week basis.

nip it in the bud now. say no

Personally I think its nice, I've always had DC stay at grandparents regularly.

People say grandparents don't need that but I think it depends what kind of relationship you want them to have, grandparents are really important to us so I cultivate the relationships.

Also it means you get a baby free night, can spend time with your DH, have a night out or just get things done which can be awkward with a baby.

If you don't need them to have her overnight then don't do it. I work and time with my kids is precious, particularly now I share them with my ex.
Just say no, you miss them when at work and want to enjoy their company when you can.
The offer is nice, but it should just be an offer not a persistent badgering.

There will come a point at which you feel OK with your DD staying away overnight. When that time comes you can go ahead but, until then, if you want your baby with you every night that's your call.

I think they probably haven't realised that going back to work is a big change in your relationship and one which you won't relish. When you're anticipating missing her during the day the last thing you will want is for her to be away from you at night too.

Maybe once you've been back at work for a while and it all feels more like normality you'll feel different. In the meantime I think you're very generous offering an overnight once a month.

If your DH thinks you're being PFB explain to him that your maternal instincts are what have ensured that your DD has had the loving care of a mother 24/7 for the first year of her life and she couldn't have had a better start. He can't pick and choose which bits of your life he wants you to feel the need to be with her. You have spent a year looking after her every day so you get to choose when is the right time to let go a bit more than you absolutely need to.

Grandparents are there for fun and treats. Once a week stop overs are neither. That's quasi parenting.

Mil has had her go. Don't back down. I'm behind ya!

Mine stayed with their Gran overnight only after grandad had died - he wouldn't have coped at all (much older and infirm) - but now their gran loves to have them for a little sleepover - not too often I like spending time with my kids and it feels wrong to take advantage..

They were - and are 10 and 12..

Regularly is fine but once a week is above that.

My parents had both my children overnight once a week during term time from about 14 months until they started school because they looked after them for me whilst I was at work the next day. They continue to have a very close relationship and love staying there in the holidays. It has never been a problem for us.

Agree with wishiwas.

OP it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. She's YOUR baby and you don't want to and that's that.

It's entirely up to you, if you're not happy being apart from your baby once a week than that's fine. Personally one night a week would be a bit too much for me, even though my 16mo does sometimes go to my parents for 2 or 3 night stays.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be apart from your children. However, I have to admit that I will never understand the belief some posters have that grandparents are effectively trying to slowly steal your children away from you by asking to look after them or have overnight stays. Whatever happened to children being part of a wider family?

A mixed bag then! I think there are generally good intentions from them ie that it'd be easier on me etc etc. what I think I'll do is suggest try it my way til Xmas then review it. Glad it's not me being PFB

Maybe it makes looking after her the next day a bit easier on them, not such an early start?

When the in-laws have DD they almost always have her over night. They're creatures of habit and don't like being out after about 7 or out before 9 so if we need a sitter thy have her overnight instead.

It might be easier for their routine?

My parents got up at 6am the other day to drive over to mine in time for me to leave for my 10 hour day... when I got back about 6 they looked absolutely shattered! I'm sure they would have had a much easier day if DD had stayed at theirs. But as I said, not being with your DD one night a week every week is a reasonably big thing. I think your plan sounds good - try it your way and if it isn't working, she can always stay over. She could maybe stay once a month now?

It is if course up to you and you have to be comfortable with this.

However got to point out you are very lucky to have such supportive parents and in laws and they will save you a shed load of cash in child care.

Remember they all love your dd too.

I think it's easier for them tbh and part of it is that I do find it difficult to leave her. Going to start getting her to sleep over once a month soon I think

It is entirely up to you if you don't feel comfortable, I think this sort of thing is very personal to each person. They shouldn't push you into it but if it makes it easier for them and they are offering free childcare then obviously that needs to be taken into consideration (but definitely NOT a deciding factor).

From a young age my brother and I stayed at my grandparents overnight twice a week (they only lived a few roads away) as my mum and dad went to a theatre group.

I absolutely loved it and carried it on till I was about 15. They could have just babysat but they loved having us and we loved going there.

My mum now has my DCs and in the school holidays she takes time off work to look after them while I work and she will have them overnight the night before, it takes so much pressure off getting to work in the morning etc and I feel quite refreshed TBH. Also I would hate the thought of my parents having to get up at 6am (when I leave for work) to look after the DCs as I am out of the house at least 12 hours.

Just to add I think some of the issues around people not letting in laws have the DCS overnight is because of their own issues with them judging by some of the posts.

I don't think it needs to be 'nipped in the bud now' as they are not trying to steal your child (?) They sound really kind etc but if you really don't want to just don't and explain you are not ready. Most people would understand that.

FWIW I understand how some people feel, I would never in a million years let my XMIL look after my DCs even just to babysit, I had major issues with her. Also current FIL would not be allowed to babysit let alone overnight. I would have to trust them 100%.

Would they like to take my DS one night a week instead? He gets up at around 5 - 5.30ish every day. I'd love him to be doing that for someone else once a week!

Seriously though, it is totally your decision as she's your child.

DD stays with her gran the night before I have an early shift. Otherwise it would mean that her gran is having to get up very early to collect her before I leave. I think that it's asking too much.

I'm really grateful for the free childcare that she provides. By letting her stay over I'm just making it as easy as possible for gran to do this.

I have to admit that if DD hasn't stayed over at my parents for a few months - she tends to stay if we have a wedding to go to or massive childcare problems - I will ask if they would like her to stay a night or two because I was her to continue feeling happy and comfortable. And selfishly, part of this reason is looking to the future. Our families are close-ish but not so near they can just pop in for a day, so if they are looking after DD it's easier for her to stay with them. As she gets older and we have half-terms and holidays to cover, I want her to find staying at her grandparents a perfectly normal and fun thing to do.

I can admit I feel much more comfortable with my parents doing this than my in-laws. My MIL certainly couldn't cope with DD at all. But my SIL could, so I'm working at making myself happy for DD to spend a night there. SIL is great with her and has loads of experience with kids, I know she will be fine. And I don't think it's enormously fair that one set of grandparents get to spend so much time with her, and the others don't.

Sorry, bit waffly there, but all in all I think it's a very good thing if children are happy staying sometimes with other members of the family. And yes, the price you might need to pay for free childcare is your DD staying over more than you might ideally want.