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to think that having a hard time doesn't mean you have an excuse to treat people how the hell you want.

46 replies

wannaBe · 06/06/2013 09:03

Yep, thread inspired by another thread (although not about) but have seen this come up so so many times before?

Someone is rude/obnoxious/miserable/horrible/nasty and people say ?you don?t know the details. Perhaps they are mentally ill/bereaved/had a row with the husband/the wife/lost their job.? I?ve even seen ?They have a disability, that in itself is hard enough (I am talking physical disability here not a LD where someone potentially has no control over their behaviour).? I even have a friend who goes to the other extreme and says things like ?it?s amazing they are such a lovely person/so well balanced, considering everything they have been through.? Hmm

So some people go through a hard time, but don?t we all sometimes? But we don?t all go around telling people to fuck off or being generally nasty/obnoxious and hope for no comeback on the basis that ?you don?t know what they?re going through.? Well by the same token the person being told to fuck off might be going through a hard time too but seemingly nobody takes account of that.

It just strikes me that we have become a society that justifies bad behaviour on the basis it might have a root cause, which in turn leads to more bad behaviour because it has become unchallenged.

It is never justified to be rude to people unprovoked. Most of us go through hard times, and most of us just don?t behave like that. We need to stop justifying nastiness and stand up to it. Oh and ?might have a mental illness? is a bit of an insult to anyone who is genuinely mentally ill and doesn?t go around abusing the general population.

Now, I have a disability, am going through a divorce so have recently become a single parent so by definition you must all agree with me or I might kick off. Wink

OP posts:

ShadowStorm · 06/06/2013 10:05



SPsCliffingAllOverMN · 06/06/2013 10:08


Someone I know had a bad time and proceeded to treat his gf (my friend) like shite. When I told her she said 'oh well this has happened to him'. I told her well I couldn't care whats happened to him, that gives him no right to act the way he does towards her.

Apparently I'm heartless Hmm


ChewingOnLifesGristle · 06/06/2013 10:09



EagleRiderDirk · 06/06/2013 10:10

too scared to disagree Grin


HighInterestRat · 06/06/2013 10:10

YANBU, I've had some pretty shit time of it on occasion and have always managed to be nice. I dread to think what certain colleagues' lives must be like to make them as they are. Grin


TheSmallClanger · 06/06/2013 10:12


There is one vicious, unhelpful, obstructive colleague at work who has been creating lots of extra work for everyone and being horrifically rude. She has been using the excuse of a bereavement, to justify her nastiness and refusal to perform various tasks, for over a year now. In fact, we are now in the "don't you KNOW it was the anniversary of X's memorial service yesterday??????" phase.

She was a pain in the arse before X died.


Oscalito · 06/06/2013 10:12

Yanbu. Some people have a very tough time of it and still manage to treat others with respect. Others are just badly behaved.


lizzypuffs · 06/06/2013 10:13

YADNBU. We all have ups and downs in life but there should be no excuse for treating others so meanly.


StupidFlanders · 06/06/2013 10:13



lurkedtoolong · 06/06/2013 10:14

If someone is going through a tough time I tend to give them a little bit of leeway. But generally I think you are NBU. I once told a woman in a wheelchair that there was no excuse for how rude she was being and my mum told my aunt (who had always been an aggressive and rude woman) off severely when she called a hospice nurse "a fucking stupid cunt".

If someone's behaviour is completely out of character at a time of stress then I will let it go, but we make too many excuses for bad behaviour.


EagleRiderDirk · 06/06/2013 10:15

clanger do you work with my ex boss? sounds similar


Pfaffer · 06/06/2013 10:15

YANBU. I've just been on the receiving end of some random nastiness from someone who isn't coping with a few things.
Of course I don't know the half of it, but neither does she.
We're all weighed down by something. We don't all go around being shits. If I feel unable to deal with people well, I take myself off and deal with myself.


youmeatsix · 06/06/2013 10:16

can you all come round to my house? especially you wannabe? my mother is having a hard time health wise (not life threatening, more prolonged) she has gone from non judgmental lovely lady to someone who has alienated everyone she knows almost and treats us like rubbish now Sad i fear the very few people in her life will abandon her completely, and i feel i cant as i am her only "child" Sad the moment you say anything she flips outs (irrationally so)


cory · 06/06/2013 10:17

I remember talking to dd about my own teenage years and how I was
an anti-social prat who didn't care about the feelings of others a bit of an independent loner.

Dd (a wheelchair user at the time, with severe anxiety issues and totally dependent on the support of her friends) looked at me thoughtfully and said "oh well, you could afford that".

Harsh though it is, I recognised she was right. Because life has treated her unfairly, she can't afford to have fewer social skills than other people; if anything she needs to have better social skills to make it a level playing field. So this is something I have always tried to work on; to give her the skills to make things easier in ways in which it can be made easier.

I too have tried to work on my social skills since life started biting us on the bum.

My great model is my MIL. She is widowed, in a nursing home, paralysed from the waist down by cancer, in pain, unable to perform the most basic functions without waiting for a hoist- and she is the warmest, most caring person you could imagine. If I could grow up like her, it would be wonderful.


Latara · 06/06/2013 10:22


Good and thoughtful post by Cory too.


confusedmuch · 06/06/2013 10:24

yanbu, I have disabled dc and stbxh, often hear the opinion that stbxh must be so because of stress caused by disability etc - no it is because ex is a twunt and was long before before dc got sick (stupid me for thinking he just needed to grow up a bit). I sometimes do not have good days - on those days I keep my gob shut so the most rudeness that will occur is someone thinking I am a bit quiet (and everyone is entitled to quiet days!). I have never and will never go around swearing at people because my life is different (as opposed to stressful, perception is key) to theirs and if I ever feel the need to I will have a moan to my friends instead like everyone else should! My neighbours on the other hand got a bad diagnosis last summer and have spent the past year targeting my house for want of a better stress outlet. I don't take the bait but do think they need help and do not accept that their bad behaviour is down to family illness and the resulting stress, they are just badly behaved.


picnicbasketcase · 06/06/2013 10:25

YANBU at all.


SirBoobAlot · 06/06/2013 10:39

Depends. It's not my automatic thought when someone is rude, but if it's someone I know with a health problem I'm more inclined to be a bit more patient.

On the other side of things, I have several health conditions, and sometimes I am a complete bitch when they're flaring up. Either because I'm in pain, because I'm confused and overwhelmed, because my MH filters are kicking in, or because I'm just bloody fed up. I'm snappier with people when I'm in one of these moods, especially with strangers who think it's okay to start asking me questions about why I'm so young and using a stick / chair. I'll answer that I'm disabled, but in a 'closing the conversation' type way.

That said, if I am rude to someone without meaning to be, I do apologise.

So it's not reasonable to accept any negative behavior aimed at you because it might be X Y or Z, but it's also reasonable to think, after having retaliated, that maybe things aren't all rosy in their world if they're willing to be so rude.

An old woman once had a go at me - enough to nearly reduce me to tears - because I was sat in a priority seat (worth adding here, there were plenty of seats - she sat down next to me). When she'd finished, and I pointed out that I had a walking stick, she said "Well I didn't see it, did I?". No apology, nothing. So I replied, sharply, that no, she hadn't seen it, she hadn't looked, she had just presumed that because I was young, I was being rude, rather than actually needing the seat. Another older woman then joined in having a go at me for being 'rude and disrespectful'. I said to her as I was getting off, quietly, that next time she should think before she spoke, because the fact that I had to use a disabled seat at the age of 21 would bother me much more than it would her. I don't care if I upset her actually. If it meant that the next time she got on a bus, she didn't upset someone else, then it was worth it.


Oscalito · 06/06/2013 10:41

If I feel unable to deal with people well, I take myself off and deal with myself.

This is a good point too. When I've got PMT I try and remove myself from public as much as possible and lay low. Otherwise it can all go horribly wrong. Same with getting too hungry or tired. It's about managing your own moods and not dumping them on others (although no one is perfect, least of all me).

Very interesting point about people needing to have good social skills. A relative of mine who was very ill was unfailingly gracious and appropriate. She was an inspiration.


HesterShaw · 06/06/2013 10:41

I agree with you. YANBU.


HesterShaw · 06/06/2013 10:43

Though SirBoobalot, you had every justification for giving those two women a dressing down. They were rude first Angry


cory · 06/06/2013 10:50

It is true (reading SirBoobALot's post) that I don't want dd to be a push-over either: appropriate self assertion is another skill she is going to need more of than most and that has been a problem for her. But again, it's the same thing in a sense: she needs to give extra thought to how to get her views across effectively.


Oscalito · 06/06/2013 10:55

But in your case sirboobalot you were sitting there minding your own business and someone was rude to you. Also a complete stranger asking you why you're using a stick/chair is also rude, and if they get snapped at it's the risk they take for being nosy.


Latara · 06/06/2013 10:55

SirBoobALot i think you were a lot more polite than i'd have been in your situation; you handled those women in a calm yet assertive manner that was just right by the sound of it.


wannaBe · 06/06/2013 11:38

ah yes, sirBoob I think sometimes there is just cause. :)

There used to be a blind woman who was renouned for being rude to people on the underground. If people offered her a seat she would respond along the lines of: "fuck off, it's my eyes that don't work not my legs." the problem is that someone like her will scare people into not offering help to other disabled people in the future for fear they might offend them. Sometimes people are too forceful/rude in offering help and/or I don't need it. but I take the approach that I might not need help today, but tomorrow I might, and the person offering today might not do so tomorrow if I told him to fuck off.

I did have an experience recently where a woman got on a bus and, because my dog was slightly in the way turned to ds (with whom I had been having a conversation just seconds before, so she knew full well I could speak), and said "can you get your mum to move the dog?" I did respond "how about you ask me yourself." she didn't reply.

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