to think that having a hard time doesn't mean you have an excuse to treat people how the hell you want.

[wannaBe]

Yep, thread inspired by another thread (although not about) but have seen this come up so so many times before?

Someone is rude/obnoxious/miserable/horrible/nasty and people say ?you don?t know the details. Perhaps they are mentally ill/bereaved/had a row with the husband/the wife/lost their job.? I?ve even seen ?They have a disability, that in itself is hard enough (I am talking physical disability here not a LD where someone potentially has no control over their behaviour).? I even have a friend who goes to the other extreme and says things like ?it?s amazing they are such a lovely person/so well balanced, considering everything they have been through.?

So some people go through a hard time, but don?t we all sometimes? But we don?t all go around telling people to fuck off or being generally nasty/obnoxious and hope for no comeback on the basis that ?you don?t know what they?re going through.? Well by the same token the person being told to fuck off might be going through a hard time too but seemingly nobody takes account of that.

It just strikes me that we have become a society that justifies bad behaviour on the basis it might have a root cause, which in turn leads to more bad behaviour because it has become unchallenged.

It is never justified to be rude to people unprovoked. Most of us go through hard times, and most of us just don?t behave like that. We need to stop justifying nastiness and stand up to it. Oh and ?might have a mental illness? is a bit of an insult to anyone who is genuinely mentally ill and doesn?t go around abusing the general population.

Now, I have a disability, am going through a divorce so have recently become a single parent so by definition you must all agree with me or I might kick off.

wannaBe, I do not class what you did as rude. You were just being assertive, and rightly challenging the woman's perceptions. Equally, Sir Boob wasn't rude either, she was on the receiving end of quite nasty rudeness.

YANBU

I work with a lady who's daughter is ill at the moment. Apparently this gives her an excuse to throw a bowl of hot food at a college. Everyone has to walk around her on egg shells.

As my mum says, 'everyone has a sob story, what makes yours so special? Just get on with it' (she's a tad blunt though )

She threw a bowl of hot food at a college?

YANBU. I would always make some allowances for a person who's going through a tough time but, in my experience, if someone is usually nice and polite and pleasant, their reaction to a difficult time is not to suddenly turn into a snappy, unpleasant, rude cow. They might become a bit quieter or a bit more distracted or want to left alone a bit more but if its not really in you to be horrible to people I don't think it's a trait that suddenly comes out because your mum has died or your child is ill or your DH has been made redundant. I really don't.

YANBU. If I go through a hard time in the future I would like to think that it would make me more sensitive to how others might be feeling, not less! I can't predict how I might react if something really dreadful happened, but if I treated someone like shit then I would appreciate being pulled up on it, as I would hate to sink to that kind of level.

I've had a couple of not-so-pleasant times in my life. And sometimes, I have a really low day where I just want the world to get stuffed. But I try hard not to take it out on others. I'll be quiet and bite my tongue if something inappropriate wants to come out. Sometimes I'll be a bit snappy, but I always apologize immediately. I really don't see the need to make other people feel bad just because I do.

There are lots of people who are much, much worse off than I am in various ways, and I can totally understand people snapping or being short with others. I don't get being rude and violent.

vintage has hit the nail on the head

My DS has a grown up step son. He has 'anger management' issues. Well that is Ok then, tell that the casualty nurse that he tried to hit.

YANBU - we are constantly excusing people's behavior but some people are just not very nice.....

YANBU - it's not on but neither is pushing someone to the point where they snap.

When I worked at a college we had two students who were in wheelchairs and both were rude and aggressive towards staff. I don't know whether anyone thought that being disabled made their attitude acceptable and I did hear complaints from colleagues about their behaviour. I got accused of being disablist though (despite having a disability myself) for saying that one of them had made a nuisance of himself (after he'd driven a my colleague to distraction with his treatment of her).

YANBU I completely agree with vintage. You don't just turn into a raving bitch because you are having a hard time. The people who do are very often the ones who would act like that all the time if they thought they could get away with it.

However, mental illness is a tad different. I have borderline personality disorder and although most of the time now I can recognise when I am becoming unwell and take some time to myself to avoid upsetting others, this was not always the case. Before I became more aware of my condition I behaved in an appalling manner and couldn't see that what I was doing was not normal. I couldn't see that the way I felt about things was completely irrational and that the way I subsequently treated others was not right.

I dont feel I am a nasty person and have worked very very hard to change my damaging behaviours but even to this day I sometimes only realise I'm becoming unwell when others start reacting badly to me.

So although I agree that just because someone is having a hard time they shouldn't be excused, sometimes a person with mental illness may really not be aware that their behaviour is unreasonable.

YANBU

I like yearofmes mums response

Yanbu although it's worth mentioning that when i haf severe depression my behaviour came across as rude but i genuinely couldn't engage my brain to respond appropriately. My sister said it was as though my personality had disappeared. I'm lucky that my genuine friends made allowances for this.

YANBU.

I get so fed up with people making excuses for bad behaviour.

gruntfuttock yes, when it happened I wrote an AIBU but thought better of posting it as i would of been sacked if outed, which was a big possibility.

It was awful I couldn't believe it, I was like this for hours. Everybody just said, oh that's just what she's like, stay out of her way

I agree tbh. to some extent.

I have a few mental health issues , I'm classed as disabled, I'm a single parent, away from ex abusive husband, chasing the bastard him for divorce, all DC have issues but it still doesn't give me the right to go around being nasty.

Although I have woke up before during a v v down phase, opened my screen came here and been a bit narky, I came back and apologised.

YANBU.

I do agree with others that some MH issues do cloud people's clarity of how they are coming across to others. I am bi-polar and when I'm in a manic state I can get extremely shouty and rude. I shudder at the memories of some of the things I have shouted at friends, family and total strangers, including people who were trying to help at the time (doctors, nurses, police etc). Fortunately, my memory of those times is quite hazy, and I haven't had an "episode" for 5 years. Thank fuck for that.

YANBU.

I lost my boyfriend, my job and our home within 4 weeks. (10 weeks ago)

I was, understandably, devastated.

The amount of people (strangers) that have said cheer up, it may never happen astounds me and I want to scream at them or tell them to fuck the fuck off. But I have been brought up with manners. They don't know my circumstances. And it would be rude. So I just walk away crying.

Completely agree with Pfaffer.

Up to a point. It is only kind and compassionate to be forgiving of others when their circumstances are difficult.

I have a physical disability and mh issues (same as Heffalump). I've been very good about not getting inappropriately angry even though I feel it, since I started to have therapy some years ago.

I do still get distressed, especially on the monthly visits to hospital that I need (I have a hospital/doctor phobia as well) but I've never been rude, awkward, violent or aggressive. It's not appropriate.

I did get a bit snippy on several occasions with members of the public (mainly retired women) who made pointed remarks about my dd2 being in a (major) buggy, but she had a serious hip condition and wasnt allowed to weight bear. But they should have kept their noses out - one old dear though was lovely and sat beside dd2 in the buggy/wheelchair spot on he bus and listened to her reading book! Even more impressive was that dd2 had found a friend there who spoke Gaelic (my dc are bilingual and attend a Gaelic medium school) and who then wrote to the head to compliment my dd (who was in uniform) and the school in general. That was appropriate. Not the ones chucking her under the chin and saying in a fake cheery voice "aren't you a bit big to be in a pushchair!"

YANBU, rudeness is never justified.

But, and it's a big but, I do think there are occasions where it's worth saying that someone might be going through something difficult and that may be a reason for negative behaviour. That's not to justify it, it's to understand it. Especially in situations with strangers doing minor things lies being rude in their tone of voice or abruptness, or something silly like not holding a door open. Compassion goes a long way, both for the rude person, and the person who has had someone be rude to them.

If someone is randomly rude to me, it helps me to remember to be open minded and be aware of the fact that I don't know what else has happened to them that day. It's not for their benefit, but it is good for me not to take it personally, and to put it down to the possibility that they are having a hard time because then I can forget about it and count my own blessings.

When it comes to physical disability, I have a huge amount of admiration for people that can remain pleasant the majority of the time. In my old job I used to have to do a lot to assist disabled people, and they could often be quite rude when I had to do something for them. But then it could have been the 15th time that week they have had to explain to someone how they want their tea to be made, when all they really want is to be able to do it themselves.

I have a friend who is almost completely paralysed, so needs help 24/7. It amazes me the way he can have a new assistant every week and still be calm, patient, polite, articulate and pleasant every time he explains where everything is in his house, how to work his washing machine, the best way to get his jumper on him etc. Its never ending for him, and actually, I think it would be understandable if sometimes he got frustrated and came across as rude. To say that it's never justified to be rude is right, but it also takes something away from the truly admirable quality that he has that allows him to never be rude.

Agree with Clouds re; to understand, not to justify. That's a big thing.