To feel cheated?

[ariane5]

I really feel as if I've been cheated out of enjoying ds2 (he is my last dc). He's 13 months old and took his first step yesterday and I felt such a pang of sadness that it was the last first step I will ever see if you know what I mean.

I promised myself when I was pregnant that I would really make the most of it, planned to go to baby massage classes, walks with the pram, mother and baby groups, make home made food (avent baby food steamer/blender still in box, ds2 has jars ).I feel like 13 months has just gone and I didn't do any of the things I wanted to and feel cheated. I won't ever have another and I just feel so sad.I feel like I didn't make the most of the baby days at all.

AIBU to feel this way?

I think the guilt trip thing is very common as we feel under so much pressure to always be 'doing' stuff.

Your ds won't remember what food he ate or what baby group he attended. Most of us just remember a feeling of being loved when we think about our childhood & I'm sure you'll provide plenty of that. Don't be so hard on yourself; just enjoy each day

I just wanted it to be perfect. With dd1 I was at my mums and dh (then dp was not allowed in the house so didn't see dd much) same happened with ds1 and he was a screamer so although I adored him he was hard work and I was a wreck.
Dd2 was a lovely baby but I was so busy due to older dcs probs I didn't get to do much with her.
When I got pg with ds2 I promised myself I would really enjoy him and made all these plans in my head as I knew he would be our last (and I love babies).

Just feel so sad that he's spent so much time in buggy/playpen and that the time has flown by and now he's walking and not a little baby anymore.

I probably sound stupid, I am so emotional about it today

You are wasting emotion and exhausting yourself fretting on about something you cannot change and which your son will never remember. Is there a reason why you keep on beating yourself up about stuff?

Not unreasonable to be sad, I think it would be unreasonable to dwell on it too much. You will have done a really good job. My DS was a hugely demanding baby and I didn't enjoy that time as much as I wish I had. He may be my only child (major fertility problems) and it occasionally upsets me a bit but then I realise how pointless to mourn the past for too long - better to try to do my best to enjoy him as he is tomorrow.

I know ds2 won't remember what he has/hasnt done but I will.

I think I just had in mind that he is my last dc and I wanted to really 'enjoy' him.I don't know why I beat myself up about things, I just seem to feel as if nothing goes to plan.

But by bearing yourself up about not enjoying him in the past, I think you'll be diminishing your present joy? (Certainly that's the effect it has on me). Is there some other reason making you feel this down about this? Or perhaps natural when you feel you're at the end of this stage 'for good', but can you try to think of some nice plans for the next stage? Activities or days out etc?

beating

So, what are you going to do tomorrow? Because in a year you'll look back and think that went in a blink too

Do something or as my nan old say piss or get off the pot (real lady my nan was)

I want to enjoy him, I'd love to take him for a walk in the pushchair to the park, chat to him, put him on the swing etc etc but tomorrow like every other bloody day will just be an endless round of simply surviving the day and keeping him occupied (usually in playpen) or getting him to nap as dd2 needs so much attention.

Dh actually said a few weeks ago "If I'd known it was going to be like this we wouldn't have had another as he gets no attention".
I feel so guilty. I desperately want some time with him. I find it hard enough that I won't have any more dcs but it would be bearable if I felt I was really enjoying them all.

It sounds like life is being very tough at the moment, and has been for some time. I don't think you should or can blame yourself for that, you've got a huge amount on your plate. So it's not just the past bothering you but a worry that you won't be able to change things and give him more time in the future? Perhaps any energy you have (and I appreciate it may be a very very small amount) could be channelled to anything that will get better or you could do to try to improve things in the future - when other dcs are at school more or entirely, or could do more things independently?

I have a sister 18 months younger and there are things I'd have liked to have - was made to be the 'big girl' very early, less support as I was harder working at school - but I benefitted too (and my sister had to deal with my presence too!), and I think in a family that is life. It would be good to be fair all the time but I think attention to kids in a family of more than one child will always ebb and flow a bit.

I don't know what to do. I am very aware due to my own upbringing that I want to spend equal amounts of time with all 4 but its proving too difficult.

I have managed twice this week to play with Dd2 so feel better about that (she is 3) and I have regular 'chats' with tea and cake with dd1 (11) and in half term I painted her nails for her.ds1 is very hard work but enjoys being read to, its just ds2 who gets no attention. I really feel desperate to have some time alone with him but it never happens.

He doesn't even talk yet just says "yes" by his age other dcs saod loads/waved bye etc and I feel I've let him down by just constantly putting him in buggy/playpen but the truth Is since dd2 was diagnosed with diabetes it has got too much for me, I'm having to check her blood sugars etc through the day and its so much work that I can't give ds2 the attention I want to.

As an aside, have you considered trying to get a Continuous Glucose Monitoring system for your DD2? Not sure how easy they are to get in the UK, but it would mean you wouldn't have to test like you do now. You can set alarms for low blood sugars and stuff like that. Might be one less thing to worry about

I've heard of cgm but only alongside an insulin pump and dd2 is currently on 4 injections a day. No idea if/when she will get a pump (have to be ref to diff hosp/get funding etc and cgm sometimes not covered by funding and we can't afford to self fund it).

It is coming up to 6mths since her diagnosis and in that time ds2 has had so little attention whilst we came to terms with/learnt to manage the diabetes.

My son is an only child and I was until recently a SAHM, time out from being a language teacher. His first word was at 19 months (still not keen on waving at all!)!

I had people saying I should put him in nursery (I.e. with other children) as he was 'late' talking. I now think firmly he was doing things at his own time (at 2.7 speaks on a par with his peers, I think.

You're doing a fantastic job by the sounds of it spending quality time with each - and tbh at his age he wouldn't get as much out of your undivided attention as the others (think they would be more likely to feel or remember being 'left out' ( though I don't think you are doing this).

I think of my Grannie -she would never have thought she should spend time with one child one-on-one (she had three), or 'quality time' at all. But she was a loving mother, adored by her children and much missed by us all since she died last year. There's too much pressure on mothers nowadays to make every moment amazing and enjoy it all -but some movements aren't amazing, and some things aren't enjoyable - they provide the shadow to the light (I think). Mothers a hundred years ago would not have thought they needed to do so much playing with their children (if any) and everyone seems to have done okay since. Try not to worry - your children will have happy memories of all the things you have done and will do with them, and being loved, as they obviously are.

Thankyou for being so kind. I am just in such a complete muddle.

Everyday is hectic and overwhelming.I tend to over think things and worry too much.
I don't want to waste every day being so unhappy.

Overthinking and worrying and wasting the day...sounds like me! You need to be kind to yourself, as you would be to a friend in the same situation. Have some flowers , and FWIW the days I listen to uplifting music are so much easier to get energised and happier in. Carrie Underwood's 'Wasted' is good!

All of your children will benefit greatly from the strong family bond you all have. There has to be a downside to all of that and that is less individual attention on each of them than you would probably like to give. Swings and roundabouts. I think you do amazingly well in difficult circumstances. Enjoy what you have been able to do, none of us can do it all.

Could you and DH arrange things so that you each spend two weekend days per month spending 1:1 time with your children? (i.e. Every Saturday, one of you looks takes the reins at home while the other spends two hours doing something individually with each child, and you alternate roles each week.)

Beyond that, I think you do need to make a big effort to talk to/engage your DS2 as part of the other things that you're doing - people will mistake it for Loud Parenting, but it will help hugely with his language acquisition and make you feel less guilty.

The rest is par for the course with a biggish family, unfortunately (especially when you've got the added pressure of adjusting to accommodating a recently diagnosed medical condition). It will get easier as they get older, and then the advantages of having siblings will become more obvious .

Also - I'm sorry if that sounded unsympathetic or critical of the huge effort you're already making, I didn't mean for it to but my default setting is "unvarnished pragmatism" with things like this!

You didn't sound critical at all. I think I need some no nonsense advice.

Dh struggles immensely with all 4 dcs on his own as all have health needs. I am more used to it although its still very difficult.

Managed to get dd2 to pre school for 1.5hrs this morning so took ds2 to the park but he fell asleep! Still I felt a bit more like a 'normal' mum just being out with him.I m going to try this afternoon to sit dd down with some painting and play with ds2 before older 2 are home from school.
Dh often has to work weekends so its quite difficult and in august he's away for 10 days on holiday and I am absolutely dreading it no idea how I will give them all the time they need.

Trying to make the best of things and enjoy today ratjer than panicking about next couple of months. Its so hard.

He is only 13 months old - you have loads of time left to enjoy his childhood. And honestly, your baby won't remember - all that baby massage stuff is for the parents really. And baby groups should be illegal - they are horrific.

Fwiw, I took my 4th dc to baby massage and it was bloody awful. Once one baby started crying they all did - my newborn dd was singularly unimpressed! I think I only went twice because it was not fun at all!

It is very easy to get bogged down in the day to day stuff and stop enjoying your children, so I think you need to make a conscious effort to say bollocks to the washing up and go to the park. Even if you did the washing up, there will always be more later - it can wait a bit.

Why is your dh going on holiday without you, especially during the school holidays?

I can't imagine how hard it is to keep on top of everything you do. You need to as kind to yourself as you are to your children!

re your dd, 6 months is no time at all to get to grips with diabetes (I have been diagnosed 10 yrs and still make a mess of it!). Things will hopefully get a bit easier on that front when you all get more used to it.

Dh is going on a camping/fishing holiday, his brother and a few others go each year and for some reason they asked dh (knowing full well our problems) and mil/bil have really piled on the pressure "you MUST go you deserve a break" etc etc etc.

I wish he wasn't going and I've told him I'm not happy and it has to be a one off he is NOT going every year like they all do.
I am dreading it. A whole day on my own with dcs is hard and we share the nighttime duties (they don't sleep through) so no idea how I will cope alone. Its hols too so won't even have school/pre school so otll be all 4 24/7. They are lovely dcs but hard work.

I didn't have a bad day at all today. Got a £3.90 paddling pool from tescos and sat in the garden with them all.I had made some sugar free ice lollies from dd2s squash so she was happy to have a treat and it was a lovely couple of hours. Dd2 had been to pre school for 1.5 hrs this morn (despite an after brek bg of 19.8 and being in a foul temper and floods of tears due to it)so I took ds to the park.
I feel a lot better. I want to enjoy things more but some days I feel overwhelmed and just cry, days like today I'm ok.

Don't worry so much about his speaking. My dd is 14 months, and doesnt say all that many words, but we (and nursery staff) consider her to be doing pretty well! If your ds says "Yes" or some version of it in an appropriate context, then he is communicating and using language, so that is all good! And you mention he is walking, so that's great (mine isn't) Playpens are fine in that they allow baby to play, but keep them safe. My dm would literally have NO concept of a playpen being a bad thing for a baby. Also a jar - I ate nothing but jars. But I turned out fairly OK, am fairly slim and eat healthily, etc. Basically, love your kids and eschew guilt!