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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this just unbelievably cheeky?

27 replies

emsyj · 05/06/2013 22:24

Sorry, yet another wedding invitation thread (must be the season...)

We have just received an evening only invite to DH's friend's wedding which contains - a request for 'monetary gifts'!!! Shock I thought these were a Mumsnet Myth, so I was briefly quite excited when I saw it...

The couple in question were invited to the whole day of our wedding (we didn't have evening-only guests) and they formally accepted, then only one of them turned up on the day. No apology - just, 'Oh yeah, A had to work' Hmm. Rather rude... Had we known A wasn't coming, we needn't have paid for all her food and drink for the day... No gift or card on the day - they left a home made card in our porch whilst we were on honeymoon. Fair enough - we didn't get married for the gifts and we aren't in need for anything. But it is rather galling to then receive a demand for cash when it's their turn...

Sorry to go over a subject that has been done so much on here recently - but this just did strike me as being particularly cheeky. It is also rather odd, given that DH's friend has been talking about the forthcoming wedding for some time and mentioned that we would be invited on at least 3 separate occasions. Plus they sent us a 'Save the Date' - is that usual for an evening invite? Confused

So AIBU to find it cheeky and to just ignore the invite, not buy a gift (normally I would send a gift and card for a wedding that I couldn't attend) and spend a few moments huffing and hoiking my bosom at the rudeness of it all?

OP posts:
HollaAtMeBaby · 05/06/2013 22:26

YANBU. They'd get neither present nor presence from me.

OhTheConfusion · 05/06/2013 22:27

Huff and hoik away!

maddening · 05/06/2013 22:27

selotape a pound coin in card?

yanbu - definitely don't feel duty bound to give anything.

squeakytoy · 05/06/2013 22:34

"But it is rather galling to then receive a demand for cash when it's their turn..."

Presumably they sent this out to all guests, not just you.

"It is also rather odd, given that DH's friend has been talking about the forthcoming wedding for some time and mentioned that we would be invited on at least 3 separate occasions"

erm, you have been invited... to the evening reception

WorraLiberty · 05/06/2013 22:37

I wouldn't ignore it...that's rude.

Just RSVP and tell them you can't make it.

renaldo · 05/06/2013 22:41

That is really rude and grabby. And I hate evening invites.

Original poster
emsyj · 05/06/2013 22:43

I don't consider an evening invitation to be a 'wedding invitation'... If you're invited to a wedding, you go to the wedding! I know there's a lot of debate on here about evening invites and there's a firm divide between the 'I never go to evening do's' and 'Evening do's are great' camps. I personally only go to evening do's when it's the only celebration or the only UK celebration (e.g. if someone gets married abroad and has a 'do' afterwards). Anyway we can't go to it as it's an hour away from home and we have an ebf baby who won't take a bottle. Well, DH could go alone if he wanted to, but he's not a fan of weddings so he wouldn't go unless I chivvied him along (which I don't intend to).

Yes, presumably they sent their request for cash to all guests - that doesn't make it okay in my eyes though.

OP posts:
Original poster
emsyj · 05/06/2013 22:45

"I wouldn't ignore it...that's rude."

Yes, you're right. I will (grudgingly) RSVP. Grrr!

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 05/06/2013 22:52

Yanbu

The evening do issue wouldnt bother me, the save the date card would piss me off as would the cash request.

I would go with a card and eat my body weight in buffet.

Or id decline if i couldnt be arsed.

cherryade8 · 05/06/2013 22:53

Yanbu. Very grabby.

MousyMouse · 05/06/2013 22:55

a small amount and card should be enough.
imo a wedding gift should (by and large) be equivalent to to value of the meal...

Original poster
emsyj · 05/06/2013 23:06

"a small amount and card should be enough."

Do you think we should be sending a card and gift?? Confused We aren't going to...! Is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 05/06/2013 23:11

if they only sent you a card, no gift, then I think it's perfectly reasonable to only send them a card.

Ordinarily I'm one of those people who says 'I don't give gifts to people just so that I can get one of equal value in return' and that is generally my opinion, that a gift is something freely given, with no strings attached.

But since this sounds particularly grabby, if it was me I'd make an exception Wink

IneedAsockamnesty · 05/06/2013 23:18

You don't send a save the date card unless you are wanting the guest to save the date I.e the entire day and evening or at least most of it.

Yanbu if no save the day card an evening invite wouldn't phase me but you certainly don't ask for cash from a guest you cannot even be bothered to invite to the entire date after you have told them to save it.

RafflesWay · 05/06/2013 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 05/06/2013 23:25

If you go just leave a card, there are no rules tat you have to give money, especially if they did not get you anything

Strokethefurrywall · 06/06/2013 03:20

Don't go, send a card and definitely don't send a gift. Not even a "nominal" amount.

WineNot · 06/06/2013 08:13

Deary me...

Clearly mine and my husband's wedding would have sent half of Mumsnet apoplectic. Who knew?

Accepting an invitation then turning up is the height of rudeness.

As for the rest? Go, don't go. Get a gift, don't get a gift. It's up to you. You've decided not to go. Problem solved.

27cats · 06/06/2013 08:19

I agree this is a bit naff. I would send a basic RSVP decline and then a card only. And I wouldn't give it any more thought, you have a baby to concentrate on and 'friends' like this are not worth too much brainpower! Smile

StealthPolarBear · 06/06/2013 08:26

Accepting then turning up is rude? Really?

Problem is op you have presumably 'saved the date'. So what will you put in the response card?

englishteacher78 · 06/06/2013 08:26

We sent save the date cards to whole day people. Our 'evening' people tended to be mates that we wanted there but had no room due to family demands at the breakfast they all knew when it was anyway!
Our 'gift list' link to honeymoon website only went out with day invites - as you say rude and grabby to assume presents! A few evening people asked for the details and then we gave them.

GingerCurry · 06/06/2013 08:29

Yanbu

I would not be attending or contributing to their greedy ways.
I cannot stand the rudeness of some brides and grooms these days

They might get a card. Tescos does a nice value range for £1 that I really like on these occasions.

MrsWolowitz · 06/06/2013 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whocansay · 06/06/2013 08:36

The evening invitation wouldn't bother me, but you don't ask for gifts from evening only guests.

If you want to go, go and take a card. If not, just send a card wishing them well. I would doubt they're being rude deliberately. I think people get so caught up with the idea of 'their day' that they forget how it actually impacts on other people.

ExscooseMeMrOfficer · 06/06/2013 09:01

I wouldn't go tbh I would just send a card and no money. Whilst I have always believed you don't give to receive some people take the piss and you have to draw a line somewhere. We had friends like this who we always bought presents for their children and had one as a bridesmaid at our wedding. They didn't even bother buying us a card and were guests all day, then after years of buying or giving money to their children we had our guest child and they didn't even send a card the same for Christmas etc. we don't speak now which is unfortunate but I don't think people like this are really friends.

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