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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be able to contact DP birth father

49 replies

beautybox2 · 05/06/2013 19:17

I am really upset about this, it has caused a row between me and DP This evening.

DP father walked out on him and his sister and his mum when he was 11. He's now 22. I've been with him 7 years and heard bad things about him, in particular nasty things said about DP, SIL and MIL.
SIL wrote to him afew years ago and apparently got a horrible letter back, I haven't seen it myself.
I never wanted to contact him before but since we have had DC I'm curious to know more about him, he's got anew family now and lives far away. I wonder how a man can walk out on his children without even a explanation. I want to know answers and I know it's not really my place as DP isn't really interested, although deep down I think he is.
I wrongly messages SIL afew days asking for his address so I could write to him and see for myself what response I got.
I've heard nothing from her till today. She first rang DP saying I shouldn't have asked her and had a go at DP when in fairness it had nothing to do with him, it was my curiosity.
I should have asked DP if it was ok to message her but only told him afew I had. I didn't think it would cause this much trouble.
I look at it like this, my birth mum and dad are a waste of space. If my sister were to come to me asking to contact them I would say yes, she has to find out for herself what they are like, it's her mum and dad too.
I realised I've touched a nerve here and honestly didnt mean to cause all this, I've since had a message from SIL saying its not my place to write to him I'm upsetting her and her mum and that she doesn't want me to contact him. I cant anyway as they are the only ones who have his contact details. I'm just sad as il never know for myself Sad I feel like there's something missing, I don't want him to be involved in DCs lives but just even a letter to say F off then I know I tried?
This is going to cause so much tension now and I'm scared to contact either of them again after this. AIBU

Help Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
beautybox2 · 05/06/2013 19:18

He's 27 oops

OP posts:
Original poster
beautybox2 · 05/06/2013 19:19
  • I am adopted
OP posts:
Rosa · 05/06/2013 19:21

Sorry but dp and his family are right IMO ...if they don't want contact then your should respect that.

RedHelenB · 05/06/2013 19:21

It's up to DP not you so I can see why SIL is upset.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/06/2013 19:22

This really is nothing to do with you. You are getting your own emotions about your family mixed up with his. My DM has a father she doesn't know. I want to see if he is still around. I have told her and it is up to her if she decides she wants to. Leave this alone.

SirBoobAlot · 05/06/2013 19:23

I think you were really out of line, actually.

FancyPuffin · 05/06/2013 19:23

YABVeryU it really is none of your business.

If my dh contacted my Dad (i dont speak to him) againist my wishes I think I would actually leave him.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 05/06/2013 19:24

You should accept and accede to your partners wishes

You may long to know this man, but your partner doesn't. End of.

Arrogant of you to assume that your view, is correct and that your partner is wrong. Sorry.

You should apologise profusely.

lunar1 · 05/06/2013 19:24

If my dh went behind my back to my brother and did this i would leave him, luckily my DH is not an interfering twat. this is absolutely none of your business.

ihearsounds · 05/06/2013 19:25

Why should you know for yourself? I really don't understand what you think you were doing tbh, becuase you wanted to know the ins and outs.

It has nothing to do with if your parents are whatever, and if your sis asked you would do whatever.. That is your family.

MissMarplesBloomers · 05/06/2013 19:26

Why on earth woud you want your DC's to know someone who had caused your DP & his family so much grief, hurt & upset??!

sugarandspite · 05/06/2013 19:27

Sorry OP but you were massively out of line.

I have quite a complicated family and if my DH contacted my estranged father behind my back I would go mental.

You are new to this family and you are unlikely to understand the historic complexities of their relationships with the birth father and their coping strategies.

I think you owe them all a massive apology and a promise to respect their choices.

Pozzled · 05/06/2013 19:28

I'm flabbergasted that you thought this was ok. The man is a complete stranger to you. You have absolutely no right or reason to contact him when your DP and his family choose not to.

drinkyourmilk · 05/06/2013 19:29

I also think you were out of line. It is absolutely nothing to do with you.

yaimee · 05/06/2013 19:30

If I'm understanding this right then I think yabu.
I think your sil is right, it isn't your place to contact him and you certainly shouldn't have done so without speaking to your dp first. If I were him I would be fuming.
I would apologise to your dp and sil and wouldn't try to contact him again.
If your dp seems open to it in the future then you could bring up the idea of your dp contacting with him at a later date.

Casmama · 05/06/2013 19:31

What were you thinking!
Did you imagine that you could contact this man and he would be desperate to make amends and you would be the hero? You need to apologise and leave this alone.
How would you feel about your DP making enquiries to contact your birth parents?

ginmakesitallok · 05/06/2013 19:32

[Shock] I can't believe you were going to contact him! If do tried to contact my biological father I would leave him. Yab about as u as I have ever seen on here

Onesleeptillwembley · 05/06/2013 19:32

You're way out of order. In your DPs position I would be reassessing the relationship with you. It has absolutely nothing to do with you and your lack of tact is astounding. Comparing it to telling your sister is completely irrelevant. He's not your parent. Im1 actually shocked anyone would do this.

CloudsAndTrees · 05/06/2013 19:34

YABVVU!

Think beyond your own selfish wants for a minute. What makes you think that your SIL or DH want to be forced, by you, to be rejected yet again.
Why do you feel the need to try? It's not your place!

You say if your sister asked the same of you you would let her find out for herself, but you are not a sister to this mans children. They have already found out for themselves.

You owe your DP, SIL and MIL a massive apology for your thoughtlessness and your interfering.

GiveMummyTheWhizzer · 05/06/2013 19:35

Your way out of line, its none of your business. YABU.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 05/06/2013 19:36

He sounds horrible. Why on earth do you want to contact him anyway?

It really isn't your place. Why can't you respect how your partner, his sister and mum feel about this?

You know that he was a waste of space who abandoned his children.

What more do you need to know?

They aren't your answers to demand.

I think you really need to apologise, tbh.

GiveMummyTheWhizzer · 05/06/2013 19:36

*you're

FredFredGeorge · 05/06/2013 19:41

YABVU, whilst I can appreciate it is important for you to know about your DC's grandfather, it cannot override your own DP's choices of his actions with the family. And I'm afraid to say if it was such a deal breaker for you, you needed to consider it before you had DC.

Apologise, explain your thoughts, but accept their decisions, your DC don't need to know their grandparents, they'll not miss out.

Binkyridesagain · 05/06/2013 19:42

You're upset Shock

Do you respect you partner, do his feelings or opinions mean anything to you?

You have seriously over stepped the line and need to start making amends. Don't be surprised if your relationship changes after this.

LemonPeculiarJones · 05/06/2013 19:43

You're being unreasonable. And rather selfish.

You have no right to interfere in your DP's family situation in this case.

If you go ahead regardless, your DP has every right to dump you from a great height.

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