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To think I should be able to contact DP birth father

49 replies

beautybox2 · 05/06/2013 19:17

I am really upset about this, it has caused a row between me and DP This evening.

DP father walked out on him and his sister and his mum when he was 11. He's now 22. I've been with him 7 years and heard bad things about him, in particular nasty things said about DP, SIL and MIL.
SIL wrote to him afew years ago and apparently got a horrible letter back, I haven't seen it myself.
I never wanted to contact him before but since we have had DC I'm curious to know more about him, he's got anew family now and lives far away. I wonder how a man can walk out on his children without even a explanation. I want to know answers and I know it's not really my place as DP isn't really interested, although deep down I think he is.
I wrongly messages SIL afew days asking for his address so I could write to him and see for myself what response I got.
I've heard nothing from her till today. She first rang DP saying I shouldn't have asked her and had a go at DP when in fairness it had nothing to do with him, it was my curiosity.
I should have asked DP if it was ok to message her but only told him afew I had. I didn't think it would cause this much trouble.
I look at it like this, my birth mum and dad are a waste of space. If my sister were to come to me asking to contact them I would say yes, she has to find out for herself what they are like, it's her mum and dad too.
I realised I've touched a nerve here and honestly didnt mean to cause all this, I've since had a message from SIL saying its not my place to write to him I'm upsetting her and her mum and that she doesn't want me to contact him. I cant anyway as they are the only ones who have his contact details. I'm just sad as il never know for myself Sad I feel like there's something missing, I don't want him to be involved in DCs lives but just even a letter to say F off then I know I tried?
This is going to cause so much tension now and I'm scared to contact either of them again after this. AIBU

Help Sad

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 05/06/2013 19:47

I'm not at all surprised its caused an issue and in all fairness if I was your dp it would have been a deal breaker for me.

You do not invite someone who is related to him into your life when to do so would cause a perfectly reasonable person whom you claim to love so much hurt. Its wrong its over stepping and its involving yourself in something that is not yours to step into.

Xales · 05/06/2013 19:48

The difference is if your sister asks it is because she wants to know about her birth parents.

Your P does not. He made that choice long before you came on the scene for what sounds like bloody good reasons.

Respect your P, his decision and feelings. Apologise wholeheartedly to everyone you have upset without a single but and back off.

inneedofrain · 05/06/2013 19:52

Look not the same

But my dear lovely wonderful EXDP was conceived during rape. I knew this and some of his friends may have known (its not something you actively discuss, but they made the odd comment that made me think they knew) when he died, a ramdom ex girl friend took it apon her self to look for, find and contact his biodad to findout more about him? WTF! I was not polite to the arsehole that turned up at MY door, when she gave him MY address, nor was I polite to her. Infact I screamed at her and told her to F of and not ever speak to me again.

This is not your place to interfer. If DP wants to make contact you support him, if he doesn´t you support him. If you are concerned about gentic health / family history you talk to him. you DON¨T go round contacting people behind other peoples back.

NOW i can see that you didn´t do it out of nastiness or vindictiveness but you have upset people and you need to appologies and talk to your DP about this.

Blu · 05/06/2013 19:55

Ok, let's look at a way forward

I think you need to have a deep honest think about why you thought you could act on this. Is it your own situation as an adopted child and you were projecting or couldn't cope with the idea of an abandoning parent? Did you think somehow you could heal things any give your kids a biological grandparent? Do you feel you can't know your DH if you don't know the details of his life? Or what? You use the word ' curiosity' twice but surely it can't be just that? The family situation is hardly a tourist attraction!

When you understand why you made such an inappropriate move, you could apologise openly and honestly. You could explain why you felt compelled to do it, and apologise fully for upsetting them, and show them that your apology is not 'sorry I was out of line BUT....' But 'sorry I was out of line, the reason I did it is this, and I was wrong to pursue it' . Be honest, be sincere in your apology and you should be able to move on.

Buy WHY having seen Pear mice: half a tinned pear turned into a mouse with flamed almond ears and a licorice bootlaces tail
A blancmange made in a rabbit mould, pink and with green jelly forked round the edge.
Individual trifles with hundreds and thousands on top, or jellies, but they must be in those square waxed paper dishes.
Meat paste sandwiches
Egg and cress finger rolls
Orange or lemon squash

1960show upset your SIL and DH are , are you posting in AIBU Looking for agreement that you should be free to contact this man ????

Think about how you can understand their upset and listen to how they feel.

Good luck, I hope you can regain the trust of your SIL and DH through your acknowledgement of what you thought to do.

Blu · 05/06/2013 19:58


I have never seen that para a out mice!!! Or been on any threads about party food today!

Ignore as appropriate!!

Rainbowdrop8 · 05/06/2013 20:00

What blu? Pear mice sound amazing though ...

StrawberryMojito · 05/06/2013 20:07

You crossed a line. I have no contact with my father and I would be furious if a dil of mine took it upon herself to try and trace him. If I thought him worthy of being involved in my child's life, I would contact him myself.

It's not the end of the works though. Just apologise profusely and move on.

pigletmania · 05/06/2013 20:08

It's none of your business really, you were wrong to go behind dp back. I think you should stay out of it tbh

StrawberryMojito · 05/06/2013 20:08

Blu...pear mice Grin

beautybox2 · 05/06/2013 20:10

Thanks for all the responses, I realise I was totally out of line, and I'm very sorry for it now. I have since spoke to SIL and apologised for the upset I've caused.
I know it's going to leave things strained between us for a while.
It was my own selfish curiosity.
I didn't do it because I wanted DCs to have biological grandparents, they have a wonderful nana and a granny and grandad on my side which is more than enough.
I suppose I let my feelings of when my real parents neglected us and we were put into care to then be adopted get in the way.
DP is more than happy not knowing him and I should have accepted that this was true. I just find it so hard to understand how a man could leave his family with no explanation and I will probably never know.
I'm feeling very remorseful know isn't I am the one in the wrong and never ment to cause this.
Sometimes I just need to hear other people's opinions to put things in perspective.
I'm sure they are feeling upset as am I that this has happened but hopefully we can all move on Hmm

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 05/06/2013 20:13

I think you've really fucked up and need to fix it. Your sil is completely in the right and perhaps the reason she didn't contact you directly is she is so angry and upset, she was afraid she might say something stupid.

I still can't fathom why you thought this was a good idea.

I'd lose the defensiveness and start apologising.

wigglesrock · 05/06/2013 20:14

oh x posted. Glad you're on tje way to getting it sorted.

HollyBerryBush · 05/06/2013 20:17

I do understand where you are coming from. It is an inherent need to know where we come from to understand who we are. Any historian will tell you that.

Although it's not in anyway similar to your situation, my father was brought up by his maternal grandparents. He never had anything to do with his birth parents apart from one or two contrived meetings when he was in his 20's.

His father I can research quite easily (army records and anecdotal stuff) but his mother.... no way can I get an insight into her. DFs remaining siblings are closed and will not tell me anything I want to know.

It's annoying - I have no desire to have a relationship whatsoever with any of these aunts/uncles/cousins - I just need a tiny piece of information to drop into that section of the family tree. But I will get it in the end.

But in this instance, it is not your quest to find this person, it may become your childs quest later in life to find things out - leave it well alone and let it be your childs choice when he is old enough to bother/care.

SPsCliffingAllOverMN · 05/06/2013 20:18

You were very wrong to have done that. It has nothing to do with you. Had my ex tried contacting my bio dad or wanted to find his address like you I'd have kicked off.

MonstersDontCry · 05/06/2013 20:20

Okay, I'm going to be a bit more sympathetic to you op. What you did was still a bit insensitive but I can understand why you wanted to know.

My DP had a similar thing with his dad. His dad left him when he was a baby and he hasn't spoken to him since. DP has no interest in finding anything out about his dad which I find quite strange. I suppose it's just one of those things you don't understand unless it's happened to you. I have kids with DP now and am really curious about my DCs grandad. I'd love to write to him but out if respect to my DP and his family, I never would. Nor would I ever ask since I know none if them want any contact.

I think you need to go and apologise to your DP and his family as you were being very insensitive to ask your SIL for the address.

StrawberryMojito · 05/06/2013 20:21

Beauty box, I'm sure you're DP and is family will forgive you. It was a mistake...a big one but don't beat yourself up about it.

Blu · 05/06/2013 20:26

Good luck OP. it does sound as if the whole situation has stirred up feelings about what you suffered in your own life, and that is understandable.

Good for you for apologising.

The pear mice think so too Grin

That was freaky!

ChristineDaae · 05/06/2013 20:33

I would 100% leave DP if he contacted my Dad. He was an abusive asshole who walked out on 3 kids and left my mum penniless. I have told DP that. None of the rest of it is his business. I think you are getting your family feelings mixed up with his family. You need to apologise A LOT! I would be raging

beautybox2 · 05/06/2013 20:34

We had spoke about contacting him and he said I could but I wouldn't get a nice reply, it's the fact I got his SIL involved with out telling him.
I am so sorry for the hurt I've caused and I have messaged SIL saying that. She said its fine and wants to move on, I said that I think I've ruined thing between us and she said I haven't, but if DP wants to know what he said in letter she will let him know.
I can't believe she's being so nice to me after I caused all of this
I don't know why I did it, I just wanted answers for DPs sake but like you all say it was none of my business, someone put it as imagine DP contacting your birth parents... You're right, I would be fuming, especially when he knows how horrible they are and the things they've said and done to me in my life.
I have yet to talk to DP he's gone to bed, I'm off now to make amends.

OP posts:
beautybox2 · 05/06/2013 20:36

Thankyou monster. I'm very sorry.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 05/06/2013 21:48

I am glad you are getting it sorted. Just leave it now and keep a low profile

jessjessjess · 05/06/2013 21:54

Have you considered that maybe it's not a lack of interest from your DP but self-protection?

Blu · 05/06/2013 22:32

I'm glad your SIL. Has understood your apology and wants to move on. Pay her the compliment of believing her, and keep communicating with your DH.

drinkyourmilk · 05/06/2013 22:46

Look, you are human. We are screw up at some point. You have had a unanimous "out of order". You listened and saw it from your dps and sils point of view. Now you are trying to fix it. Nothing else you can do. X

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