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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not ruin my mum and dad's third holiday in a row?

41 replies

NarkyNamechanger · 05/06/2013 18:43

Massive dilemma to answer.

A couple of years ago my mum's best friend died whilst they were abroad and I felt I had no choice to tell them. The funeral was to be couple of days after they got back so I wanted to give her time to get her head round the news. They were also both close to the bf's dh and I knew they'd want to call him and offer support.

Then last year my nan was taken seriously ill. She lives in another country and my dad ended up flying from his holiday to his mother to visit her on her presumed deathbed (she actually pulled through).

Then Monday they went on holiday again and much joking has taken place about what bad luck my parents' holidays are. My mum is feeling quite sensitive about this.

I've just received news that another family friend has died- they are close on a day to day basis but I know they'd go to the funeral and visit the family etc.

Wwyd? I can't bring myself to make that call a third time but my brother doesn't think it's our decision to make and they should be told.

OP posts:
Original poster
NarkyNamechanger · 05/06/2013 18:44

They aren't close on a day to day basis

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 05/06/2013 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadgersRetreat · 05/06/2013 18:47

a good friend of mine died when i was away once and my sister waited till i got home to tell me, and i was v grateful she did.

k2togm1 · 05/06/2013 18:48

Will they be back before the funeral?
Will it mean you have to lie, I.e are you due to contact them during their hols?
If not, I wouldn't tell them.

Bogeyface · 05/06/2013 18:49

If they arent close then dont tell them. Your mum will be very upset and realistically what can they do? Nothing. All that will happen is that they will have a shitty time on holiday.

Keep it to yourself and sit on your brother until he agrees to do the same.

Shellywelly1973 · 05/06/2013 18:49

Will there be much time between your parents returning from holiday & the funeral?

If there are a few days or week, I would wait until they come home. Your parents can't do anything to change the situation & its not a relative. Let them enjoy their holiday.

EndlessInanity · 05/06/2013 18:49

Is the funeral while they're away, or after they get back?

roundtoit · 05/06/2013 18:50

i would not tell them whilst they are away. You say they are not close on a day to day basis so do not tell them.

Panzee · 05/06/2013 18:50

It really depends on your parents. I would want to know. BadgersRetreat prefers to find out when she gets home. What would they prefer?

cupcake78 · 05/06/2013 18:51

I'd wait! There is nothing they can do about it. Let them have their holiday and then tell them.

If the funeral is before they come back can another member of the family go to represent them so to speak.

Original poster
NarkyNamechanger · 05/06/2013 18:52

They only died this morning so no idea about funeral dates but I doubt they'd miss it.

We haven't arranged to talk just 'you have our mobile numbers if you need them'.

OP posts:
dopeysheep · 05/06/2013 18:53

I wouldn't tell them. Unless they will miss the funeral if they would defintely want to go.

What can they do? Nothing except ruin another holiday.

BackforGood · 05/06/2013 18:53

I wouldn't disturb their holiday. Tell them when they get back. It's not like they are going to be making the funeral arrangements or anything.
tbh, even if they weren't going to be back in time for the funeral, I'd still leave it.
Both my Mum and my Dads funerals were during holiday time of year, and we wouldn't have expected any friends to cut short their holiday or anything-it's actually quite nice to get some visitors after the funeral, when it tends to go a bit quiet.

Justfornowitwilldo · 05/06/2013 18:55

If they won't miss the funeral by being away I would tell them once they're back.

EndlessInanity · 05/06/2013 18:56

I'd tell them when they get back, then. There's little to be gained by telling them now.

SauvignonBlanche · 05/06/2013 18:59

I'd only tell them if they might miss the funeral.

Methe · 05/06/2013 19:00

I wouldn't tell them. If they weren't close why would you?

BeckAndCall · 05/06/2013 19:03

Are they likely to find out by accident eg facebook which would be a shock for them. If that's likely, I'd tell them. Otherwise, I'd let them have their holiday.

Pragmatically, depending on their age, there is a time of life when these things do happen on a regular basis, so they can be kind of expecting it from time to time ( but only if your parents are the age of mine - 80s. If they're in their 60s, scrub that)

Original poster
NarkyNamechanger · 05/06/2013 19:04

Close as in they've known this person 30 odd years.

Confirmed my thoughts that I should wait until they get back. I doubt my brother will actually tell them, he's too lazy (a student and much younger than me!)

OP posts:
Original poster
NarkyNamechanger · 05/06/2013 19:05

They are in 50's and no not on Facebook (which incidentally is how I found out)

OP posts:
NorbertDentressangle · 05/06/2013 19:08

Is there a chance someone else might contact them to let them know (via text/mobile)?

specialsubject · 05/06/2013 19:09

DON'T tell them. As always there is nothing they can do, but if they are not going to be needed for immediate family support (which is the only reason you pass on this news to someone on holiday) then there's no point.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 05/06/2013 19:14

I would want to know. Came home from one holiday to find my grandmother had died - wish I'd been told as I had to go straight into work and found out in the baggage hall at Heathrow. Not good.

Personally, I'm with your brother.

Crikeyblimey · 05/06/2013 19:14

My Aunt (my mum's sil) died when mum was on holiday. I was all for getting in touch and telling her. My sisters talked me out of it as mum was going to be back a couple of days before the funeral. I'm glad I didn't tell her. She told me it was the right thing to do as there was nothing she could have done to support her brother and she would have felt helpless.

As they are friends but not that close with the deceased, I'd leave it.

Plus - they might never go on holiday again.

How sad for them :(

Hissy · 05/06/2013 19:17

This is not family, it's a friend.

I'd be the first to say they need to know if it were a relation or very close friend, but if they will be back for the funeral, then no, don't tell them. Let them enjoy this holiday.