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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my MIL is so wrong

76 replies

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 05/06/2013 18:39

My MIL is worried that me BF my 5 month old DS will turn him into a breast obsessed pervert when he is older, She also described me stroking his face with my hair (which he seems to love) as 'Grooming' him! Bizarre?

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 06/06/2013 20:12

WTF..... Your MIL sounds like she has issues......

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 06/06/2013 21:19

She's an odd one that's for sure

OP posts:

Pendipidy · 06/06/2013 23:23

Dannilion, sorry to hijack this thread, but are going to update your pil thread about the bank account ? Lots of people want to know what happened! (sad, i know!)

OxfordBags · 07/06/2013 00:26

I'd personally say something along the lines of "The only pervert here is the person who think breastfeeding is sexual in any way". She sounds like she has some proper ishooooooooos! You also ought to ask her if she knows that grooming now commonly means preparing children to be sexually abused. The woman is a stone cold freak.

And it's bollocks about giving up when babies have teeth. Absolute rubbish, no science or even reason behind that whatsoever.

piprabbit · 07/06/2013 00:48

I once had to put up with a couple of young women loudly discussing a friend's decision to breastfeed her baby (it was in the swimming changing room and I couldn't get away). They decided that she was a pervert and that they needed to have it out with her and tell her that if she didn't stop breastfeeding they would report her to SS for sexual abuse. The baby was 6 months old.

I have never been so shocked, and it proves that it's not just the older generation that has some very peculiar ideas.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 07/06/2013 01:44

Jaysus... the effects of socialisation on humans is often quite mind-boggling, but this takes the

Humans have been fed via ( . )( . ) since time immemorial. Are we all perverts, then?! Does breastfeeding girls turn them into lesbians

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 07/06/2013 09:51

Some people's opinions are pretty scary! I'd also mention that my DS has his first tooth but can't see that they'll be a problem, I'll check with MIL and get back to you!

OP posts:

Sleep404 · 07/06/2013 10:07

I wonder if she would feel the same if your ds was a girl. Is he somehow thinking you are going to turn him into a wuss. Says more about her and the rubbish in her head than anything else really.
My MIL constantly tells me how she was discouraged from breastfeeding as it was frowned upon in her day, she's not that old, but then she also has let slip that the hospital used to collect milk for mums who couldn't bf and in those first few days she donated milk to other mums. I suspect this is her feeling guilty because she didn't bf, when she sees me doing it. Silly as I would never judge anyone for their decision to bf or not. It is such a personal thing.

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 07/06/2013 10:29

Hopefully these opinions will filter their way out and by te time our DCs are parents they won't have to put up with it

OP posts:

Abra1d · 07/06/2013 10:34

Poor old Louise comes on to offer support and is picked on herself. She said 'personally' about the teeth bit.

Flobbadobs · 07/06/2013 11:16

Did you get bitten yourself Louise?
What I don't get is why a certain generation was put off BFing so badly? Was there any particular thinking behind it or was it just one of those cycles of advice that goes around? There seems to be an awful lot of real antipathy against it usually (but not always) from older people. Tis strange...

scarletforya · 07/06/2013 11:43

Not sure Flobbadobs

My Mother often used to tell us how she had to bf us as babies in the freezing cold 'waiting room' of the Hospital (late 60s, early 70s) where people were smoking! Breatfeeding was considered weird back then.

This was due to the cats bum faces of other women and staff in the MATERNITY WARD!!!

wonderingsoul · 07/06/2013 12:49

she is odd. but it hink she thinks your treating your ds as an animal.. with the grooming and breastfeeding.

i highly doubt she meant in a child abuse way.

next time i would laugh at her, tell her breastfeeding is natural and the IS the best start to give to a child, and that your sorry she is so narrow minded or jelouse to see that.

said by some one who has issues with breastfeeding, i had no milk come in with ds1 and ds2 i just felt werid and odd and didnt like it, so stopped after a day, that doesnt stop me from knowing its the best for them and that its natural.

Sleep404 · 07/06/2013 13:22

Her comments are just misguided and stupid. My MIL is one for making stupid statements. The way I deal with it is to make her look stupid in front of the rest of the family. This may seem mean but I get fed up of being the butt of her comments. A good example, on holiday recently, we walked past a black man selling leather bags. MIL immediately turned to me and asked where he was from. I burst out laughing and said, "I can't believe you asked me that. Next thing you'll be asking me if I know him". At this point DH piped in with, "yes mum, because Sleep knows all about HER people". Key lots of backtracking by MIL.
And yes she has asked me before if I knew a west african man at her work who wasn't even from the same country as me.

VisualiseAHorse · 07/06/2013 13:32

I'd be tempted to say...

"well, you must've BF your son for years! He can't get enough of boobs!"

phantomnamechanger · 07/06/2013 18:01

OP, I think your silly MILs comment about breast feeding probably reflects your FILs attitude. And may even be why she did not BF her own.

I know someone who actually divorced her DH because he was "jealous" of their baby boy being BF from "his" boobs. To him it was akin to her having it off with another man. But her sticking to her guns and getting shot of him was a rare thing because in her day women did as their husbands said and it was deemed understandable for a DH to use his weight and slap her about if she dared disagree.

I know young people who honestly think it is wrong to BF a girl because it has lesbian connatations - which by the same reckoning would mean that BFing a boy was also a sexual act.

For the record, it feels nothing like breasts being played with or even sucked by a man. I have BF my 3 kids for 5 1/2 years altogether.

phantomnamechanger · 07/06/2013 18:06

sleep -people don't do that just about skin colour - the number of (usually older generation) people in our family up north, who think we must know everyone who lives in London, cos we're in Kent and thats like the next village! Oh and cornwall too - as it's practically next door. They won't have it that we are nearer to them in York than we are to their old friends in Cornwall!

miffybun73 · 07/06/2013 18:12

YANBU, what a very strange thing to say.

WoTmania · 07/06/2013 18:16

YANBU these kind of comments drive me nuts it's equating breastfeeding with sexuality and it really isn't about sex.
FWIW DS1 and DS2 were both BF to just over 1 yr and just over 4 years. Neither one of thus far appears ot be heading for 'breast ossessed pervert' status.

WoTmania · 07/06/2013 18:17

and really...what does she think men used to be like in the days when breastfeeding to 2/3 years was quite normal?

IneedAsockamnesty · 07/06/2013 18:34

If she was referring to monkey type grooming why would she have said it like an insult?

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 07/06/2013 19:02

I asked her why her FF son loves breasts so much and she said 'well I suppose it's because he had a big breasted sister' ! From knowing her I don't think she was referring to primate type grooming but more (as other posters have suggested) that she doesn't understand the meaning of grooming but feels like I'm conditioning him to find boobs and long hair attractive?

OP posts:

OxfordBags · 07/06/2013 19:26

WTAF? Her son likes breasts because his sister has big ones?! Erm, wouldn't that be pretty incestuous and fucked-up?! Either your MIL has some serious issues, which aren't actually funny and AIBU-worthy, or she is incredibly thick and suffers from appalling engages-mouth-before-brain-itis.

All mothers condition their sons (if they are heterosexual) to vaguely prefer a certain type, regardless of being BF or FF, and same goes for dads and daughters. It might be physical looks, ie Mum is a petite blonde, son likes petite blondes when he is a man, or it might be personality, ie Dad is a wise-cracker, daughter goes for funny men when grown, that sort of thing.

In one way, OP, this is weirdly positive - your MIL is so odd that you can pretty much discount everything she says on the topic. But it must be fucking annoying, and it's also quite sad for her that she thinks something like stroking your child's face whilst feeding him has some sort of sexual element to it. And surely FFers stroke their child's face when giving them a bottle?

candyandyoga · 07/06/2013 20:57

She is fucked up! Issues or what!

IfNotNowThenWhen · 07/06/2013 21:31

How bizarre, I only BF for a year, but I remember towards the end of that year bf ing ds in front of my friend and her going "Oh gross! He is really big now!"
She doesn't have dc's though, and for her breasts are purely sexual. It can be hard to explain to people who haven't done it that bfing is not a sexual experience!
Just ignore the crazy MIL.

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