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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my MIL is so wrong

76 replies

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 05/06/2013 18:39

My MIL is worried that me BF my 5 month old DS will turn him into a breast obsessed pervert when he is older, She also described me stroking his face with my hair (which he seems to love) as 'Grooming' him! Bizarre?

OP posts:

Louise1956 · 05/06/2013 20:19

What does she think breasts are for? they were created to feed babies. Doesn't she know that? there is nothing wrong with feeding a 5 month old baby, or a 15 month old one come to that. personally, I think when the teeth start to come through is definitely the time to stop.

MzPixielated · 05/06/2013 20:23

BF until he's six, that'll learn her! >unhelpful emoticon

EricNorthmanIsMyMaker · 05/06/2013 20:25

I fed ds1 until he was 25 months. He's now 3 1/2 & says he doesn't remember. And he's more obsessed with his willy than my boobs now!

EdvardMonsterMunch · 05/06/2013 20:28

Ooh i love a MIL thread!
Ignore the nasty cow, she's suffering pur jelousy!
Not only have you slept n convieved with her son but you'te now the sole provider of nurishment to her DGC.
Stick to your guns and pity the poor bugger!

(Moi, bitter, mais non!)

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 05/06/2013 20:31

My family were a bit funny about this too. I BF DS until he was 13 months and he had a thing for putting his hand down my cleavage for comfort whenever if he was hurt or upset until he was about 18 months old.

I'd ruined him apparently

He's 4 now. He's not some boob obsessed boy by any means. He finds them hilarious and insists he drank booby milk with a straw and didn't put his mouth on them ever :)

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/06/2013 20:33

I'm sorry, but I'm still sniggering at what spiro recommends. Go for it.

Seriously, though, what a nasty thing to say.

Whocansay · 05/06/2013 20:35

Given that formula is a rather recent invention, what does she think people used to do? Were ALL men throughout the ages perverts, until formula was created? She sounds desperately ignorant. And is probably trying to justify her own decisions.

The grooming comment is truly bizarre. It makes her sound a bit creepy to be thinking along those lines, tbh.

I wouldn't even go the "did you mean to be so rude" route. I would go for out and out confrontation and tell her that not only is she misinformed, but also offensive and she should keep her strange opinions to herself in future.

What does your DH make of it?

greenbananas · 05/06/2013 20:35

There are all sorts of reasons that women can be a bit 'odd' about breastfeeding. Some are cultural (e.g. breastfeeding was not generally seen as a good thing in the 60s when my MIL was young).

One reason is for women being sniffy about breastfeeding is that they have suffered some sort of abuse themselves, and are uncomfortable about the physical contact. Not saying this is what happened to your MIL, am just saying don't be too quick to write her off as a loon. Do what you think is best for your child (and obviously breastfeeding is totally best if you are happy with it), but try to be tactful with your child's grandparents as far as you can.

greenbananas · 05/06/2013 20:40

Should add that my MIL was horrified by my breastfeeding and co-sleeping with DS1, because that was a very bad thing when she was young, but has completely 'seen the light' now that I am tandem-feeding both. She loves babies and is lovely enough to challenge her own preconceptions about what makes them happy. She plays with my boys beautifully for hours, but brings them straight to me whenever they start with the 'feeding cues'

I think it must be hard for MILs...

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 05/06/2013 21:04

My DH laughed his head off about the BF comment but I didn't tell him about the 'Grooming' as I felt quite weird about it to be honest. My MIL is lucky as I take things with a pinch of salt and as I'm on my 3rd DC I'm not as sensitive as with the first but really some things are a bit much

OP posts:

raisah · 06/06/2013 09:13

You should mention it to yoyr dp & everybody who asks how you are feeding your son. Say something like 'I'm bf at the moment but my mil doesnt want me to because she thinks it will turn him into a pervert & I am grooming him' in her presence so people can see what a prize idiot she is. Name and shame is the only way to deal with an idiot like your MIL.

Jan49 · 06/06/2013 09:35

The more common meaning of 'grooming' is an animal's fur, such as animals picking out bugs from each other's fur, or preparing someone to step into a role in a job. If you google it, there's a BBC article that suggests that the word was first used in relation to paedophiles in 1985 and became common in the 1990s, so the negative use of the word grooming is very recent. It sounds like your MIL didn't really mean it the way it sounds. So I wouldn't get too hung up on the 'grooming' comment.

SybilRamkin · 06/06/2013 09:59

Clearly your MIL is a product of a bygone age where bf was considered strange and unpleasant. And perhaps she's also jealous that you can feed her DGC and she can't?

She sounds a bit mental with the grooming comment, but maybe it's as Jan suggests and she meant the way chimpanzees pick through each other's hair? Still peculiar though!

You should write down these 'gems' in a book to make you laugh in later years!

Dannilion · 06/06/2013 10:10

Er, what about babies who are born with teeth or get them at a few weeks old Louise? Should they just be deprived of breastfeeding to fit in with that ridiculous idea?

Why do you think they're called milk teeth?

charleyturtle · 06/06/2013 10:17

thats gross, she is making normal parent/ child interactions sound like something horrible. my dps nan told me not to give dd a dummy because babies who have dummies will grow up obsessed with masturbation. so maybe your mil is just some batty old cow with these silly old timey (or just plain insane) ideas.

Flobbadobs · 06/06/2013 11:04

OP I would be taking every opportunity to feed your DS rather ostentatiously in front of your MIL (and I know it's childish!). As for the hair thing, babies love hair. They love stroking it, pulling it and in my DD's case rubbing it over her face when she's tired. Tbh anyone playing with my hair annoys me so I'm slowing substituting a special blanket at sleeptimes but it's completely normal! The grooming comment needs shooting down asap, it's an ignorant and insensitive thing to say at best, creepy at worst.
YANBU.

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 06/06/2013 11:11

LOL Charley Turtle that's a corker. I think you're all right, it seems to be a mix of Old Wives bizarre tales and a bit of jealously. I won't let it put me off like it did with my first DC but it is good to hear I'm not warping my DS

OP posts:

cherhorowitz · 06/06/2013 11:14

YADNBU. She sounds like a loon.

SybilRamkin · 06/06/2013 16:32

www.breastmilk.co.uk/pdfs/Start%204%20life%20-%20Grandparents%20Guide%20To%20Breastfeeding%20Leaflet.pdf

This is a link to a leaflet about breastfeeding specifically designed for grandparents by the NHS. Perhaps print off a copy and leave it lying around when she visits? Or give it to her next time she starts up?

RiotsNotDiets · 06/06/2013 16:42

Louise1956 there's no 'right time' to stop bf, and I have to agree with Dannilion, my (STBX) MIL was born with a tooth.

I would say something along the lines of "MIL, DS and I are both happy to continue bf for the foreseeable future, your comments indicating that this will turn DS into a pervert are ridiculous, unfounded and incredibly hurtful. Please keep these thoughts to yourself in future as I would not want them to affect our relationship"

witchface · 06/06/2013 16:59

Similar to a poster above my dd put her hand down my cleavage for comfort - was always doing it in fact so maybe bfing did make her obsessed ... Except i didn't bf her at all. Its obviously a built in response and as for her other comment - bizarre!

SgtTJCalhoun · 06/06/2013 17:07

How horrible.

If anyone said that to me, they'd have been ripped a new one, only verbally obviously. What a weird way to think .

SgtTJCalhoun · 06/06/2013 17:14

Actually this has just reminded me of when dd was around 2 and went through a stage of preferring to be out if her clothes, not in public luckily! but as soon as she got in the house. I remember my Mum seeing this and saying in a worried voice "she's very precocious isn't she?"

RubyrooUK · 06/06/2013 17:30

I would have also thought of grooming as monkey-like stroking and gentle picking. So maybe that was her meaning if she was confused by the paedophile comment.

My two year old boy is going through a stage of shouting "let's do kissing lots mummy" and grabbing my head then kissing me loads and loads of times on the lips rapidly and giggling. God knows what your MIL would make of that.

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 06/06/2013 18:09

She prized her sons so I do wonder why she worries about me being affectionate with mine, I think she'd love her time again maybe? I was talking to her about wills and she jumped straight in with 'We'd have him' !! What about DD's? I'm pretty sure she doesn't think I'm a perv but that BF and hair stroking will give him certain sexual preferences which is surely ridiculous

OP posts:

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