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To feel a bit naff to still have my ex H's name when he's about to remarry?

25 replies

KrispyCakehead · 05/06/2013 14:43

We've been divorced several years.. no real issues between us now.. frequently need to liaise with each other due to the DC..

This name thing has only just recently started to bother me even though he's been planning his wedding since last year.. DD is a bridesmaid so it (the wedding) is hot convo..

I haven't thought of myself as MRS B since the divorce.. or before even, because I took 2 years to instigate the divorce due to not wanting to cite the reasons (his adultery), for the sake of the DC.. so I am MS B (even though, yes I know, MS sounds like a stunted wasp noise...) generally. except of official stuff like for the bank. (Hate being called MRS B tho.. makes me a bit sick..) But then I started thinking.. ..his new wife (a nice lady.. I like her much more than I him!) IS going to be MRS B... she will be entitled to the name.. and here I am.. stuck being a sort of "hanger on MRS B". Bit sad and pathetic.. no?

But worth name changing? (If onlt it was as easy as on MN!) And what to? I haven't had my maiden name since I was 19.. and got married for the first time. (NOT to Mr B!) Subsequently, I already have a different surname to my oldest.. but the same name as DD and DS2.. which I guess I quite like. I have had this name for 16 years now.

I don't feel I SHOULD have this name now though.. I feel a bit as if I don't have one at all.

I have a DP.. committed, long term.. but marriage not on the cards. Think I am done with marriage (so I tell myself Blush)

OP posts:

Flyonthewindscreen · 05/06/2013 14:46

Did you like your maiden name tho'? I would probably take that surname back if I was in your circumstances.


burberryqueen · 05/06/2013 14:47

(Hate being called MRS B tho.. makes me a bit sick..)
best choose another then....what if you decide together on a new name that you will all have? What is wrong with your own name?(the one you were born with)


LadyBeagleEyes · 05/06/2013 14:53

I kept my married name after my divorce because of the sheer hassle of changing it.
I would quite like going back to my own name but I'd have to change my passport, my bank accounts, my contracts with things like Sky, my phone bill, my utility bills, my name in the phonebook, my NI etc etc.
Is there a simple way of doing it?


ImABadGirl · 05/06/2013 14:53

I still have my ex-hs name and he's getting re-married soon, doesn't really bother me as I've had his name since 2002 so it's my name now, although I am Miss H as opposed to Mrs H


Boosiehs · 05/06/2013 15:00

One issue to consider is that you won't have the same name as your children, neither with DP.

I know from a friend that this can cause issues when trying to get through borders, as the ignorant border officials think you are trying to kidnap your own kids.


financialwizard · 05/06/2013 15:03

You're not wrong. I always find that getting back into the UK is more difficult than getting out!


KrispyCakehead · 05/06/2013 15:14

DP IS a border official Wink Thus may or may not help...

Becoming MISS is an idea. Detaches from exH.. and better than the stunted wasp I think Grin

OP posts:

sparechange · 05/06/2013 15:14

Would you mind having a different name to your DCs? (Assuming they have his surname?)


KrispyCakehead · 05/06/2013 15:28

I don't mind my maiden name.. but it is just that it feels as if I haven't been "her" since I was a child (I WAS one.. got married for first time at 19.) Although.. I am musing now.. I suppose it would be nice to have my dad's name again. I lost my dad two years ago now :(

I guess I like having the same name as the 2 youngest DC.. but not as their father..


OP posts:

TooOldForGlitter · 05/06/2013 15:30

I changed my name back to my maiden name after I got divorced. Personally couldn't wait to get rid of the wankers surname Grin but I must admit I don't like not having the same surname as my daughter so in hindsight I wish i'd not changed back.


TooOldForGlitter · 05/06/2013 15:30

and I now see that isn't what you actually asked in your OP so I will slope off Grin Blush


Dahlen · 05/06/2013 15:39

It's not just your XHs name though is it? It's your name. You have just as much ownership of it as he does; it doesn't become any less yours simply because you're divorcing. To suggest it does suggests that women who change their names are mere appendages of their husbands and have no identities of their own.


KrispyCakehead · 05/06/2013 15:39

Quite a valid comment TooOld! I am just mulling it all over really...

OP posts:

KrispyCakehead · 05/06/2013 15:41

Do I tho Dahlen? I own my identity yes.. but it IS his name? That I took? When I wanted to be his wife.. which I no longer do.. nor am...

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 05/06/2013 15:57

I still have my ExH surname, it is the same name as our DD. She is now 18 though, so having the same name as her is less important. I quite fancy changing my name to my DPs, which the little ones have, but not marrying him (divorce being more expensive than name changing).


Loulybelle · 05/06/2013 16:05

My mum is still Mrs C after 17 years, and shes been with DP for 15 years, she will only change it if she marries her DP.


Dahlen · 05/06/2013 16:07

Name is fundamental to identity. I wouldn't change my name unless I saw it as being 100% mine once I had.

That said, given that children nearly always reside with the mother following a split, I think it would be far more sensible for men and children to take the mother's surname.


Astley · 05/06/2013 16:13

My mother still has my Fathers name, despite being divorced 22 years and hating him with a passion. He has a new wife who also has the same surname. I must admit I think it's a wee bit pathletic of my Mother and not a little bit creepy. She hates him, yet has kept his name long after they divorced and long after their children left home and got new names of their own!

I think she partially does it to piss off my step Mother though Hmm


MissStrawberry · 05/06/2013 16:13

Are you still a Mrs if you are divorced?

Would Miss ExH name be acceptable or would you prefer Miss Something else or Mrs Something else?

Just general musing, not specifically asking the OP.

Dahlen, your idea is an interesting one but also sad in that divorce is a consideration when naming children (I know it happens and sometimes is the best thing and both parties want it.)


Jan49 · 05/06/2013 17:18

Maybe compromise by keeping "his" surname but using Ms or Miss?

Do you actually know what his next victim wife intends to call herself once they are married? She may not intend to call herself Mrs B. But you can call yourself what you want. As you like having the same surname as your younger children, it sounds like keeping the surname and changing your title is a good idea.


ecclesvet · 05/06/2013 17:49

I think that surname came to him through hundreds of years of births and marriages, and it came to you the same way too. Just because he happened to get it 20-30 years earlier than you doesn't make it 'his'.


takeaway2 · 05/06/2013 18:45

I am Dr mydad'sname and mrs dhname. My friend at work is dr ex dhname which she's had since she was in her early 20s (and she's now in her late 50s, married recently to her new dh and her children all grown up and recently married themselves). She's not changed her professional name and I don't think she's known as mrs new dhname.


MadameJosephine · 05/06/2013 19:12

I still have my married name and I've been divorced for 12 years during which time exH has been married and divorced again. Tbh I don't see it as 'his' name anymore as I've had it for 20 years now it's mine!


fedupofnamechanging · 05/06/2013 19:13

My dh only has his particular name because his dad was adopted. If that hadn't happened then dh would have a different last name. Lots of people are given names by people that they don't share a biological link to and so acquiring a name via marriage doesn't make it less yours than someone who was born with it or got it via adoption.

I think if a man is happy for you to change your name to his upon marriage, then he should accept that it becomes yours for as long as you want to use it. You may share the name with him, but I bet you are not the only people in the world to have that name, so don't think of it as his alone.

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