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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just to totally avoid this woman?

44 replies

WinkyWinkola · 05/06/2013 12:22

She used to be a friend until I realised she was taking the p*ss wrt favours from me usually school pick ups and looking after her dcs.

I called her on it and she went bonkers, trying to bitch about me to a couple of our mutual friends.

She's extremely popular (school gate stuff), needs to be centre of attention and very competitive. She has to win the mums race, attend every social and generally be the best.

All that is fine but I genuinely feel that she has competed with me in the past for friends. It's very odd. I've just backed off totally as I'm not interested in that kind of dynamic in my life. I've backed off from the friends she was pursuing too.

Thing is there are lots of social events for the school mums. I don't go to many but there is a breakfast gathering next week. I've said I'd go but now I know she's going and I'd really rather not. It'll just be her holding court which again is fine if that's her bag but I don't fancy doing that.

Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face? I will just not be going to occasions she is at. Which means school socials that happen every term. So I lose out on potential friends?

She will barely acknowledge me during term time but in the holidays always wants to book play dates. She called me 3 times one morning and then called dh twice at work because I wasn't answering. I was busy and partly avoiding.

Our dcs are the same age and friends so there are some things we are inevitably going to have to do together but where I can, I just want totally detach even if means being a bit isolated in terms of school socials.

Long and garbled. Sorry.

OP posts:
SPsCliffingAllOverMN · 05/06/2013 12:30

Just ignore her. You don't have to speak to her if you don't want to.

Mintyy · 05/06/2013 12:33

Yes, if she is always there at school things and you won't go if she is there, you are going to end up socially isolated.

ItsintheBag · 05/06/2013 12:34

Distance yourself. She rang your DH at work Shock

Smile say hi and keep walking, ignore her calls and personally I wouldn't go to any event that involves her holding court.Whats the point.

Grin to always winning the mums race.Tripwire?

Original poster
WinkyWinkola · 05/06/2013 12:34

It's hard to though because she dominates every social gathering. I think I will just avoid those then. Shame really but I find it really tricky. I'm not an adoring fan.

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 05/06/2013 12:36

Don't many people go to these gatherings?

How can she dominate the entire room?

Go and enjoy it, surely she doesn't monopolise everyone?

bowlingforsoup · 05/06/2013 12:38

Lots of women forget that high school finished a long time ago (for some)

Just distance yourself. Be polite but decline play dates and always be 'busy'

She will soon move on. These type of people always do. Lots of aquantencies but no 'friends'

everlong · 05/06/2013 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 05/06/2013 12:55

Hold your head up high and go to whatever gatherings you want to.
Make small talk if she's nearby but other than that ignore her.
Why should she push you out of meeting up with other friends

And get training for the mums race Wink

samuelwhiskers · 05/06/2013 13:07

She sounds exactly the type of toxic friend I managed to sideline a year ago. I had enough, like you so the first thing I did was to say No to her, her DC couldn't come for yet another Saturday night so she could party. She was stunned, then she tried to get me to give her DC constant lifts back from activities by telling her DC that I would take her home but not asking me... I stood up to her like you and she exploded back so I calmly told her she was unreasonable. Now we do bump into each other at school events and I sweetly smile, ask how they all are and move on to normal mums. She still dominates the events but everybody knows what she is like.

So move on, don't let her behaviour change your social life with other mums. She really isn't worth worrying about.
There is one of the these toxic mums at every school and every street it seems :)

Original poster
WinkyWinkola · 05/06/2013 13:09

She dominates social gatherings for me. If I am talking to someone, she will come over and basically interrupt, say what she wants to say and then that's that. People seem not to notice that. Everyone else adores her.

Five of us - including her - used to meet regularly by ourselves for supper. One time there was an impromptu invitation as one of the mums' oh was away and she fancied some company. Only three of us could make it. She - the race winner - couldn't. When I shrugged and said we still had the original arrangement in a couple of weeks to look forward to, she stamped her feet, burst into tears and demanded the impromptu evening be changed. This was in the school car park. The arrangement was changed. Hmm

I guess my life must be pretty empty to be concerned like this stuff but as a sahm and hoping to make new friends perhaps via parents at school, it's pissed me off. Hence my thinking I should just detach entirely.

OP posts:
londonlogin · 05/06/2013 13:13

Back off the social stuff for a few weeks, it's nearly the summer holidays. Come September the anger will have gone and the socials will then be easier if you go but just feel pity for her unpleasant ways.

We have a woman like this at my school, she has shown me a very ugly side to her character so I've just totally backed away, like you I've no interest in an emotional school gate rollercoaster. One of the sadest points for me was realising that some of the other women actual do enjoy all the drama. I feel a bit isolated too but I figure she'll do it again and I don't really want to be associated with her. In real life someone said she would always apologise even if you're not in the wrong, I think rather less of her for that too.

Mums race - Bear trap, the night before dig a big hole and cover in leaves, she'll tumble in and you'll cross the finish line and receive a well done sticker for your efforts.

everlong · 05/06/2013 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WinkyWinkola · 05/06/2013 13:16

I don't run in the mum's race. Ever! Grin

OP posts:
samuelwhiskers · 05/06/2013 13:17

Maybe people do notice her behaviour but are too polite to say anything.
Don't think your life is too empty and that is why you are concerned about her because some of us are just more sensitive than others! Detach yourself for a bit, then you will be able to think more clearly but don't not go to social events because of her.

GooseyLoosey · 05/06/2013 13:22

There are a group of mums like this at one of the dcs' schools. I go to socials, but have several friends who I know share my views and I make sure that at least one of them is going too. You will not be the only one who thinks like this.

DameFanny · 05/06/2013 13:22

Sounds like its her life that's empty if she needs to control 'friendships' that much

YouStayClassySanDiego · 05/06/2013 13:27

She sounds like a loon but I still don't think you should let her drama llama antics stop you from socialising.

I don't think your like is empty, still think you should go.

I would also make sure I took my running spikes and won that race, after stocking up on the Tena Lady of course! Wink

DogCatDogCatDog · 05/06/2013 13:29

urgh, there is a mum like that at my DC's school. She has to be in with everybody, and everything has to revolve around her. She really loves herself and thinks she is better than everybody else.

I agree with the others though; you should still socialise and go to things, just make sure you give this woman an extremely wide berth!

YouStayClassySanDiego · 05/06/2013 13:30

*life not like is empty Blush

Original poster
WinkyWinkola · 05/06/2013 13:32

I'm pretty certain she's adored. Loads of friends, real friends. People are so willing - eager - to do stuff for her. She's always getting people to do stuff for her like errands, pick ups, drop offs.

She annoys me now and I get low after these social occasions because I feel inadequate and unlikeable. Poor poor me. Blush

I am upset that I made a Freshers Week error, so to speak, by befriending this woman (we were good friends until I realised how she was treating me like her staff) and feeling like subsequent friendships are sabotaged.

One mutual friend said that Race Winning Mum simply isn't aware of any of her clumsy ways and that it's just the way she is.

Never mind

OP posts:
DogCatDogCatDog · 05/06/2013 13:35

Winky, the mum that I know is like that. Everyone adores her. I think it's because she thinks she is something special and so everyone else assumes she must be.

digerd · 05/06/2013 13:36

I don't understand how anybody can like her. But have met some people with "charisma" < manipulating others with their big personalities/acting skills> who have adoring friends.

I have always been able to see through these people and don't get caught in their web. Find your own friends that you do like.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 05/06/2013 13:39

In your OP you mentioned that she tried bitching about you to mutual friends.

Did that bitching work or are you still friends with those women?, if you are then they ignored what she had to say so maybe others just prefer to ignore her as well.

She sounds like a Wendy.

Do you not meet up for supper with the others any more?

DogCatDogCatDog · 05/06/2013 13:40

I always see through that type too digerd. I think lots do but it's almost an 'emperor's new clothes' scenario. Someone is fawned over by a few so others do it too to keep in with the action, even though they may see through the person

Original poster
WinkyWinkola · 05/06/2013 13:43

The bitching to other two friends didn't work. One friend was so very upset by it that she dropped both of us. I was Angry that she had been involved. It's smoothed over now. The other friend to whom she bitched about me is the one who said Race Mum is oblivious to her behaviour.

We don't meet much for dinner anymore. It's been sullied by my row with Race Mum. But I couldn't put up with her anymore.

OP posts: