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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a bit selfish (over holidays)

36 replies

SenoritaViva · 05/06/2013 11:32

DH is antipodean, this means that most of our holidays are spent visiting his family, we went at Easter which was lovely but due to being such a long way, accommodation etc it always leaves us quite short on money.

Last year a good friend of DH's was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Very sad and DH booked a ticket and flew to see him, he lives in Kenya (not where DH is from). Now DH is talking about going again which I have no problem with and first prize would be to take all 4 of us but he doesn't think we can afford that. So, he suggested he takes DD (6) and not DS and I. I'm not keen, he says great opportunity for DD which of course i can see but I feel that either we all go or just DH. Am I being selfish? DS is under 2 so we'd be saing 1/3 if I'm left at home. I have had a holiday seeing his family this year, so it's not as if I've had nothing. Am I standing in the way of an opportunity for dd or am I right in feeling that it shoukd be a family holiday or nothing (but DH)? His friends don't know dd - if it was to see his family I'd understand as they have an emotional tie with her so if I had to stay at home no problem (and have done this in the past).

I'm fine to be told to stop being miserable, I can't really decide so leave it to the forum..

OP posts:
Dahlen · 05/06/2013 11:35

Sorry, I'm a bit unclear. Is your DH going to visit his terminally ill friend or just returning to Kenya because he liked the country?

If the former, won't that be a bit horrible for DD? IF the latter, I think you should go somewhere closer to home as a family.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 05/06/2013 11:36

I'd let DD go.

It'd be lovely for DD and her dad, and you'll have it easier just looking after DS. DS should be too young to feel left out, too...

It's a shame you can't all go, but as you have had a holiday recently, and as it's because his friend is dying, I think I'd let him and DD go and stay back this time.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 05/06/2013 11:37

Good point, Dahlen.

I presumed DP was going back to visit his friend again, and that he isn't so ill that it would be really traumatic for DD.

If he's just going because he likes Kenya, go somewhere cheaper so that you can all go.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 05/06/2013 11:40

It is to see his friend. I hadn't thought that it might be traumatic for DD. they didn't think he'd live till January but he's doing OK. There's no knowing by October though

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 05/06/2013 11:41

Personally, I think you go as a family or just your DH goes to visit his friend.

SoupDragon · 05/06/2013 11:42

I really don't think taking a 6 yo that far to visit someone who is terminally ill is a good idea at all.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 05/06/2013 11:45

Caja - DS definitely won't be left out. Selfishly I will though and DD has had a lovely holiday already this year. I'd rather we all went somewhere together cheaper and DH went alone.

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LIZS · 05/06/2013 11:47

Is he really going to be able to give 6yo the attention she needs and a memorable holiday while visiting a sick friend ? Was the purpose of last year's visit to say goodbye, if so it seems strange to do so again. Wouldn't she need jabs and possibly anti malarials too ?

MyLittleDiva · 05/06/2013 11:48

I wouldn't be happy with this, I would want a family holiday together and would not like dd to be so far without me at that age. You are not being selfish at all.

CloudsAndTrees · 05/06/2013 11:52

YANBU. I wouldn't want my DH to spend that amount of money when it could pay for all of you to have a lovely holiday.

If he hadn't already been out once to see this friend since his diagnosis, then it would be different, but he has already been once. I would say if he wants to go alone, then that's fine, but it does mean that he has to sacrifice the next trip to see his family. He can have one or the other, but not both.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 05/06/2013 12:02

Mylittlediva. I wouldn't like DD to be that far away but DH is a great dad and would cope fine (I would be miserable but that's my problem). She would be missing school too; she'd learn so much from a trip but I feel it's another reason to say no.

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Original poster
SenoritaViva · 05/06/2013 12:05

LIZS - they had an amazing time last year, a huge group of them went (all uni mates) so it was the holiday of a lifetime. I don't think it will be quite the same this time round.

There's also a jealous bit of me since a few years ago DH went to India to meet up with his sister and I got left behind then. I feel that a pattern is starting a bit.

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 05/06/2013 12:07

I would feel the same way too OP. Not sure if that makes me selfish too.

flanbase · 05/06/2013 12:07

he can go but alone & then you can all have a holiday together.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/06/2013 12:10

I wouldn't be happy either.
If you can't all afford to go then none of you go.
You all go on a cheaper holiday - SIMPLES!
YANBU - tell him you want a holiday together - ALL OF YOU!

BarbarianMum · 05/06/2013 12:12

I'd vote for dh to Kenya to see friend in Oct (but don't book now - it may be that he needs to go earlier if he wants to say goodbye Sad) plus a family holiday for the 4 of you.

Yes it would be a great experience for your dd, but so would a week at the seaside. That's the advantage of being 6.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 05/06/2013 12:15

I'm not sure we could do much more if he went to Kenya. I'm fine with that, we've had a holiday this year and a few weekends camping leaves me pretty happy.

When I was a child my parents did not put huge emphasis on holidays, they chose to privately educate us and we had very few times away. I think DH and I have slightly different views on holidays therefore.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 05/06/2013 12:15
Original poster
SenoritaViva · 05/06/2013 12:17

Barbarian - yes that is how I feel exactly! Don't know why I couldn't say so so succinctly! DH values our seaside less though, not quite where he grew up (idyllic!). But two weekends camping recently and DD was in her element!

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Original poster
SenoritaViva · 05/06/2013 12:19

Yes, it's not a case of DH not going, if it's important to him then he must go. I'm happy with that, I wouldn't dream of making that ultimatum.

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thenightsky · 05/06/2013 12:28

I'd be a bit pissed off, given he went to India without you too.

tanukiton · 05/06/2013 12:33

umm, tricky. It sounds like nobody is sure of the purpose of the holiday.

If it is to see a dying friend; alone would be best. What condition the friend would be in is hard to say and your husband might be torn between looking after his daughter and being at the bedside of a very sick friend.

If he wants a dd and me holiday that is fine too but it needs to be dd focused and within the family budget.
Really you got to sit down and chat.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 05/06/2013 12:40

Tanukiton - good advice. I think he feels I see her every day whereas he's working, although being at home isn't always quality time, it's mostly chores, homework etc

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WilsonFrickett · 05/06/2013 13:16

If his friend is that sick then he shouldn't take DD. He should be prepared to spend lots of time doing nothing, being with his friend. There's a lot of silence towards the end, just... sitting. Being. It's not necessarily difficult or traumatic, but it's not something that a 6 yo would be able to do naturally.

He should go to Kenya on his own for a shortish time, then a cheapo family holiday for all 4 of you. I'd probably take DD out of school in this situation too, but then I'm crazy like that saying that's the only way the family could afford a break due to bereavement overseas.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 05/06/2013 13:21

I don't think DH is really facing the fact that his friend is unwell or has thought that he might be immobile by then. We saw him at Easter and he's up and about and you'd have no idea that he has a brain tumour. He's gone beyond his 3-6 months to live by a long way but I don't think there's any doubt that at some point the cancer will take over. I think I need to gently talk to DH about this.

DH has just sent a text to say sorry for being a shit (he wasn't) but I think we'll find a solution for all if us.

OP posts: