Am I being a bit selfish (over holidays)

[SenoritaViva]

DH is antipodean, this means that most of our holidays are spent visiting his family, we went at Easter which was lovely but due to being such a long way, accommodation etc it always leaves us quite short on money.

Last year a good friend of DH's was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Very sad and DH booked a ticket and flew to see him, he lives in Kenya (not where DH is from). Now DH is talking about going again which I have no problem with and first prize would be to take all 4 of us but he doesn't think we can afford that. So, he suggested he takes DD (6) and not DS and I. I'm not keen, he says great opportunity for DD which of course i can see but I feel that either we all go or just DH. Am I being selfish? DS is under 2 so we'd be saing 1/3 if I'm left at home. I have had a holiday seeing his family this year, so it's not as if I've had nothing. Am I standing in the way of an opportunity for dd or am I right in feeling that it shoukd be a family holiday or nothing (but DH)? His friends don't know dd - if it was to see his family I'd understand as they have an emotional tie with her so if I had to stay at home no problem (and have done this in the past).

I'm fine to be told to stop being miserable, I can't really decide so leave it to the forum..

Horrible idea, given his friend is so ill. People with cancer can plateau but there is no telling how long it will last nor how slow or rapid the deterioration will be.

I think your DH should go alone, and then accept that for the future the holiday budget is for all of you and has to be shared equally.

I also think it is a bad idea to give one child that kind of trip and leave the other, actually.

No you are not being selfish - I think you have been and are continuing to be very generous. It is not unreasonable for your DH not to take DD with him - and in fact IMO (obviously I am outvoted on this one!) it wouldn't be unreasonable to be opposed to his second trip to Kenya altogether. This will sound really bad and obvs I don't know the full circs of his friendship, his friend's illness etc but you could find that he feels the need to go every year for another five years, sad as it is these illnesses aren't predictable. Sorry I really hope that doesn't upset you as it is very blunt.

Sorry - xpost as I got distracted replying. I now see your DH saw his friend at Easter as well - I definitely think he needs to re-consider his trip and as the above poster said - the holiday budget is (should be) for all of you and needs to be shared.

Yes - I do think you're being a bit selfish. You're happy about him going on his own. If he combines this with a holiday for dd, well, it's unlikely she'll be going to Kenya again and it is a fantastic opportunity for her. Ds wouldn't appreciate it now, but perhaps one day he'll have his chance. I doubt v much that he's envisaging a prolonged death bed vigil. More another chance to spend some time with his friend and some sightseeing with his daughter.

I have a friend who's taken both gc, individually, to Egypt and China, their choices. No problem with school. A v special time for all concerned.

You're the only one who'd be missing out and I do sympathise. But there's no real reason to say no. And you'll be in a very good position if something comes up that you want to do.

You sound like a very lovely reasonable family.

I agree your dh is maybe being a bit unrealistic about the purpose of his visit. Cancer is very unpredictable, and there's really no way to know what his friend's situation will be by October. I'm sure he's not envisaging a prolonged death bed vigil but that might be what's happening by then, in which case he definitely won't want your dd there.

My father died of cancer last summer, we live overseas, it went like this:

April-May, diagnosis, investigation, Dad was basically feeling fine mostly but then started having back pain and found that the cancer had spread to his spine.
June, radiation therapy, we visited for 10 days during which was mostly bedridden but improving following the radiation and really enjoyed seeing the kids.
July, more investigation, discovery that treatment wasn't working
Early August, we visited again for the death bed vigil, and I sent the children to stay with in-laws. It was harrowing enough for my mother, sister and me.

I think your dh shouldn't take your dd, regardless of the family holiday situation, unless he can book her flight absolutely at the last minute when he knows his friend's current state of health.

Is there any way that you could leave the children with a family member and you and your dh go to Kenya together? I know you said your dh is not from UK so maybe not possible, but that seems like the most logical choice to me.

There is a bit of an issue with all your trip money being used for DH. They are all understandable reasons (family, sister, friend) but what it boils down to is him deciding where your whole holiday budget goes every year.

We have a similar issue (I am the transplant in our house) but I am mindful that DH doesn't feel that his vacations are all about me.

Thyme out - thank you for offering a different perspective although there are two things I would question: I personally think a trip of a lifetime is somewhat wasted on a 6 yr old. They don't understand the value and she's had a big holiday this year. She likes travelling but one of my arguments to DH was that if she was 16 I think it would be more appropriate. I'm not against travel, she's the most well travelled in her class! I just think she's equally as happy in a tent by the sea.

Also I won't be in a good position when something comes up (likely to, friend is muttering Hong Kong to see her sister, just the girls) but there will be no money left for me to do this. It would leave me in a good position in a few years though..

Alarkspree - wish we had family support so we could go, sadly not an option. I have been dying to go on a neilsens package holiday so DH and I could have some time together and the kids a great holiday. I don't see us saving enough for next year with all these other plans and I think this would be more appropriate for dd really.

I think your DH should go on his own to say goodbye to his friend.

I dont think it sounds like much of a holiday for your daughter, and frankly I was once the little one left home with granny whilst parents took elder sibs on holiday and I've probably still got some deep issues about this still lingering on.

I don't think that him visiting possibly dying friend (who could be very ill or in hospital by then, with short notice) combines with him taking his daughter on his own as she will have to go where he goes and if his friend is very ill that will be a hospital bedside rather than seeing kenya.

If you were going too then you and your DD could 'do' kenya while your dh sees his friend... but even that is awkward if the friend becomes very sick as you'll be out having fun while your dh is facing the end stages of terminal illness.

In general i'm a fan of one parent / one child holidays and don't feel everybody has to do everything together or the same all the time so long as it works out even in the end, but not in this case .

Thanks everyone, you've been most helpful and given me and DH lots to think about.

We could always visit Kenya another time to see his friend's wife and their son who was born in January :-(